Friday, February 08, 2008

Shrooms, Secretaries and Studs

One of the reasons I usually catch the earliest shuttle back up north is to catch up on the goss. About the rest of the extended family - ie my rambunctious cousins since there's only so much you can learn on the family email newsletter. Seriously. The salacious details you find out on a Chinese New Year over tangerines, kuaci and mahjong tiles! Hotter than a contraband firecracker!

New Year Surprise!
OMG. Are you serious! Tell me more!

Westerners play truth or dare? We play kuaci or gossip. Let's start with the odd stuff.


I have a younger cousin who's deathly afraid of mushrooms. Someone explain this to me since we found it inexplicable that she'd weep piteously over a bowl of steaming mushroom soup. Perhaps a failed affair with a rabid vegetarian? A past life as a spore-bearing fungus? Vivid recurring nightmares of being chased by a veritable army of terrifying toadstools?

The list grows as we all silently speculate. A few of my gambling-crazy cousins have even suggested setting up a betting pool.


I have a cousin who's scared of her secretary.

Budding fashionista Lispy Lori found herself promoted to an exalted promotion at work. And as the new manager in heels finds herself relentlessly bullied by the secretarial pool. Imagine that! Office politics at work. Not only do they play wicked psychotic passive-aggressive games with her but they also bitch endlessly about her in the pantry. Turns out Lori might be fiiiierce at home but it seems that she's still pretty much a timid cream puff in her office.

Of course the family has ways of dealing with such nuisance. Advice we gave her aplenty and I'm sure her secretaries will find a nastier, bitchier Lori when she returns after the new year. Speak softly but carry a big stick ( and yes, have the venomous glare of Gong Li ).


I have a hot second cousin.

When my grandmother introduced this Asian God to me, I found myself gaping. How the fuck did all the good-looking genes pass me by - and slip by default to this stranger? Knowing my grandmother's penchant for hiding relatives all around the globe, I shouldn't have been surprised that she'd pulled this stud out of her hat.

Grandmother : Say hello to Phillip. He new cousin from Australia.
Phillip : Hi! Happy New Year!
Paul : Hello. You can sleep with me tonight.

Hot cousin!
Aren't you joining me in bed yet, cuz?

Damn. To find a hotter sexier version of the generally bland family looks with biceps! Think Lee Hom on steroids. Not only did I find myself placed beside this new fella during reunion dinner, I found myself drooling mindlessly like a mental patient over his enviable biceps each time he picked up his chopsticks.

I swear this new cuz Preppy Phillip could probably bench-press Macho Mike. And that's saying a lot.

Phillip : You look hot! Damned heat! You want some help getting the food?
Paul : Uh... I'm thinking of the abalone. The really big, thick abalone. I could suck on it all day.
Phillip : Sounds like you're really enjoying the meal, mate.
Paul : It would be so much better if I could take a bite out of you instead.
Phillip : Pardon me?
Paul : Here. Have a beefball.
Phillip : I already have some but thanks!
Paul : I'm sure you have balls aplenty.

Of course despite all my sultry glances over cheap beer and the steamboat, I had no chance to taste his .. meaty beefballs since he came equipped with girlfriend in tow. Can you imagine how I hated her last night? Lucky bitch. Reason enough to blast her with a dose of Avril during karaoke later that night.

No doubt his stunned girlfriend ( she's like so whateva ) must be wondering why I kept pointing at her during the vitriolic song.

Yeah. Yeah. Phillip is sort of related. Far flung no doubt ( and I certainly wouldn't mind flinging him on my bed ) but hey, I've done incest before so what's one more sin!

The Gold Coast isn't looking too bad now.


Quentin X said...

There's more where he came from. Come on over.


thanks for visiting my site..

After reading this post.. I'd say you're really funny (and naughty) LOL.

Alex said...

LOL... Please introduce the hunk to us! :P

Little Dove said...

This entry is joyously hilarious. Had me in stitches. The next time you karaoke with hottie Phillip, play Pussycat Dolls' "Don't Cha" and shake that booty...

Dont cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me
Dont cha, dont cha...

Anonymous said...

sounds as though we could all use your new found cousin... I mean we all would look to meet him!


ruff nurse-du-jour said...

seriously, who amongst any of us haven't *yet made out with our cousins.

tell, me...

can i see a raise of hands?

its like, er, our guilty pleasure!

a rite of passage, even.

and yup, that pussycat dolls dance scene would be to die for!

Ah-Bong said...


strapping.shane said...

Ooooh, an Aussie bum. :P

Don't be selfish, share the love! :D

Janvier said...

And now that grandmother is no longer keeping him in hiding, neither should you. Bring him out!

ikanbilis said...

your grandmother collect grandchildren huh?

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your fine compliments on my pics! You write darn well and I enjoy reading your blog!

Happy Chinese New Year!

Babymicrophone - Livejournal

Lewis said...

What is it about handsome sexy relatives like cousins, 2nd cousins, even brothers or uncles. Weird, those odd feelings we get.

bibliobibuli said...

this was such fun! loved hearing about the gossip and flirtations over the kuachi. happy chinese new year.

Cyclohelix said...

It's time to do that 'bonding' with your hot cuz, date him! date him! movies, ice-creams, booze and sugar :)

Annie said...

Duuude, what are you? An American Hillbilly? Cousins? Seriously? Eeeww .. Is anything sacred?
Oh, forgot who I was talking to.

LOL! You're quite the SHOCKER dear. Mind your manners and stop calling the girlfriend bitch.. she might bite.

Ban said...

We want pictures! Pictures!

Daniel Henry said...

say hello to new cousin. LOLs.
wouldn't new cousin be like a toddler?

TJay said...

James and John would be so proud!!


Jason said...


savante said...

Ooh. Don't tempt me, quentin.

Thanks, kris :)

He flew back on Sunday, alex.

Actually I did pussycat dolls with his girlfriend rina, lil dove :P

Preferred him to be NOT my cousin, chris!

Guess I'm not alone in this incestuous pleasure then, ruff nurse!

See, ah bong!

I wish he would share the love as well, shane. He only shared some fishballs.

Broght him around penang, janvier.

I believe she does. It's a hobby of hers, ikanbilis.

Thanks, babymicrophone.

Well they are close and available, lewis!

It was a fun time for all, sharon.

How to date him, helix? he's in a different country! And he's a cousin!

Yeah, anniiieeee... so hillbilly of me :P

You know I don't take pictures, ban. But I wish I had.

He's definitely not a toddler, daniel. All man, I assure you.

They certainly would, tjay!

Don't be envious. I can't date him either, jason.


D-Man said...

Ah yes, my first was a step-brother. And my step-brother in-law (?!) tried to sleep with Troy and I at a reunion. What is it with these steps?!