Tuesday, August 07, 2007

China Cousins

What else did I do last weekend? I found new relatives.

That's the trouble with large extended families. Nearly impossible to keep track of all my far-flung cousins, seems like someone new creeps out of the seams each time I turn around. Even my close first cousins already number in the dirty dozens - and these days the older ones my age seem to come in pairs ( hence the rapidly expanding online family newsletter ).

And they are reproducing just as rapidly as well.

Tribe
Hijinks in the tribe...

So it didn't altogether surprise me when my grandmother produced a pair of hitherto unknown second cousins out of her amazing technicolour hat when I made an announcement of my autumn trip to Beijing during dinner. Even had an address and a couple of pictures in the tattered, stained envelope she handed to me, a few sepia toned pre-war photographs of herself with a Mao-suited Communist fellow and a couple of newer ones showing a pair of smiling, rosy-cheeked China Dolls dressed to the nines.

Along with the precious envelope came a brief lecture on the importance of keeping family ties alive - and strangely enough, tips on shopping in Beijing ( should I be insulted? ). For this of course she had to resort to the recently off-the-sampan immigrant granny accent.

Paul : Good God. Who are these folks?
Grandmother : See them you must. Family is important. Your cousins they are.
Paul : In Beijing? When did I ever have cousins over there?
Grandmother : Always there, just waiting for the right time.
Paul : Spooky. So if I'd said I'm flying to an area just outside Ulan Bator, you'd have said...
Grandmother : Ulan Bator? I think I have a nephew who settled near...
Paul : I rest my case.

Looking at the pictures again, I sigh. Damn, why couldn't they be Huang Xiaoming lookalikes?

Maybe in Ulan Bator.

...***...


Didn't have much time to dwell on the china cousins since we were all too busy grilling my cousin Fabulous Fanny's new boyfriend. Hoping that she'd catch the lot of us unawares, Fanny tried to sneak her new beau in and out of the house without alerting the rest of us. Seriously. There are only so many doors - and that many relatives.

So the poor bewildered boy got dragged under the glaring spotlight. One of the downsides of getting involved with a girl from a large family - you get grilled simultaneously by thirty trained and hostile Gestapo interrogators over fishballs and rice wine. Beleaguered Bobby never saw it coming.

Relative A : Who are you? Why are you here?
Bobby : I'm J...
Relative B : Are you working? Do you earn enough to support her?
Bobby : I just started work last year and I...
Relative C : What are your intentions? Are they honourable?
Bobby : T-they are! I just...
Relative A : Stammering? Bad blood, I say!
Relative B : Why are you not eating? You hate Fuzhou food?

Take my advice. Easier getting involved with single orphans. :P

17 comments:

Janvier said...

Ahhahaha and you didn't make it any easier for Fab Fanny's new beau too we expect. :D

Medie007 said...

haha.... cousins in china huh? i think i have some erm... yam relatives in guangdong as well.. haha... not that i know them or anything, but at least i know somewhat we shared 0.00001 similarities in our blood... or shud i say dna? hahahaha....

big families are cool... sometimes. LOL

Jason said...

Big families are not too bad... can get plenty of ang pau (provided you're younger of course) :P

J.L said...

big families sometime fun and sometimes become annoying due to some bad habit.

i got big families here and is like whooa especially CNY,receiving angpau like free..many =) if you still single lo.

CTG said...

Hi Paul. Its been a while since I commented here, lol. Sorry bout that. Just a hello and are you on Facebook by any chance? If you are, drop me an e-mail at hommeducapctg@gmail.com Thanks, CTG (aka Morné)

Ganymede said...

I think my distant relatives are still on the tiny island called Hainan Island.

Place where the weather is as unpredictable as their tempers.

Ryan said...

I don't remember I have any cousins there in China. Mom never mentioned to me about that. I don't remember any of my grandparents talked about it. Well, I have had enough relatives here. Too many cousins until I don't recognize them when I see them in KL. Pathetic!

Melvin Mah said...

Big family...fun in a way I must say. I have 60+ close first cousins...hahaha and heck they are reproducing so rapidly as well. I need a calculator nex time when I see them....

And poor Bobby. He should at least prepared himself before entering the house....

daniel henry said...

mmm... i was 9 when i first meet once of my nephew... he was 24 that time... KEKEKE... gosh... i really don't know who my relatives are...

daniel henry said...

... oh and i got thai-riffic from i think onegayboy.blogspot.com... i think la... dunnoe who's blog i've been visiting lately... the other day saw one review on PRW Malaysia... but don't know who's one de... URGHS... so the amnesia...

Cyclohelix said...

have cousie's from hong kong to down under, and the weird thing is that snail-mails are used for communication up till today...lol

how i miss all spice sea cucumber fuzhou soup!

Anonymous said...

Haha... well, in my house, they get grilled by four brothers. :p Nice.

Your grandma sounds highly amusing, btw.

A Lewis said...

Man, you've got some hot cousins. Very hot. And do they always hang out in their underwear? I should tell you about a time or two with my own (female) cousin when we were young. Or maybe not. That's safer.

Anonymous said...

Sampan Granny? Was that a singing group? GRIN!

Actually, it sounds more like Yoda dispencing wisdom the she believes is essential for her Grandson to ponder... heh heh

Elliot T. McBeal said...

Why does your grandma sound like Yoda?

Anonymous said...

You've been tagged. Go read my post titled "8 Random Facts about Calvin"

savante said...

What do you think, janvier :)

You'd be surprised to find the similarities, ah bong. The ties aren't that loose after all.

True, and these days I get to keep the packets, jason.

Actually don't mind giving red packets these days, chester.

Hi, ctg!

Ah, queerant the Hainanese.

You'd be surprised, ryan. Go ask them!

I think Fanny tried to sneak him in and out oft eh place without anyone knowing, m5lvin.

Whoa, you must be one of the youngest, danielhenry!

Nah, too lazy to do so so we're now using emails, helix. Much easier and you can send to everyone on the list.

Four brotehrs. Even scarier, roxie.

Yeah, my female cousins are pretty hot, lewis. Not sure if they hang out in their lingerie though.

Nah, the Yoda accent is added on, tjay and elliott. She doesn't talk like that :P

Hey, I've done that before, I think, calvin!

Paul