Of Minge and Men

Something funny I find about patients is their shocking inclination ( for want of a better word ) to show us things we don't actually wish to see - and pray to God don't ever have to see again.

Patient A : Here doctor. This is the gross Coke bottle I accidentally shoved up my arse.

Patient B : Doctor, you must take a look at this. My hand got torn off during the accident but I kept the grisly dangling bits for you to see. Here's a tendon.

Patient C : I'm in pain, doc. Come see the black and blue hernia with undulating bowels protruding from my groin!

Patient D : I have some worms in my stools! Come take a look. See them wriggle!

Okay. I know I am supposed to empathize.

And I do. Seriously. But it's not show-and-tell time - honestly, you've showed it to me once before, you don't have to enthusiastically display it every day each time I walk by. All part and parcel of the job though ( patients come in all shapes, sizes and temperament after all ) and I accept it gladly.


I have a little something for you to see...
Of course that didn't prepare me for someone flashing me her privates in the ward. Really, I kid you not. Thought I was in a kinky Malaysian edition of Punk'd.

I tell ya, I never quite expected it of this sweet-looking makcik in the ward. Waved me in to her room and started telling me all about her grandchildren. One moment I'm talking amiably to her about her scheduled operation the next morning and the next minute I get a proper uninvited close-up of her minge.

Makcik : What do you think? Guess I'll have to do the operation. It's already getting quite unwieldy down there.
Paul : Uhhh.. yes. Yes. It is.
Makcik : See. It's oozing a little and..
Paul : Hmmm. You know, I think I need to go... get a pen or something.

That was before I ran screaming hurried off to splash my face with water, praying hard that what had happened was a figment of my imagination. Unfortunately it wasn't. Not the first time I've seen it of course but I never expected such a disturbing ( and certainly unwelcome ) display that early in the morning. The horrifying image was stamped indelibly in my mind - honestly, I could have sworn the entire montage of my life flashed MTV-like through my astonished eyes in that moment.

Straight boys, don't get too excited with the naughty poontang talk. Uterine prolapse isn't all that pretty.

Fortunately I was saved by a particularly good-looking house officer who asked me whether I needed anything ( thank the Lord there are handsome doctors after all! ). Of course I actually needed to slam him on the wall, grope his tight ass and stick my tongue down his helpful throat to prove my unbridled homosexuality but I refrained from such unsolicited advances. Interns get easily spooked.

Told him it was alright and let him continue his work. Didn't stop me from stealing surreptitious glances at his pretty face though - have to admit it helped blur the image of my earlier muff-diving pursuits somewhat.