Sunday, August 05, 2007

Grandmother Who Cried Wolf

Guess I'm no longer the biggest drama queen in the family.

Hell, I'm not even in the top three. I'll leave it to you to decide who carries the prize though.

My grandmother can hardly be considered a spring chicken these days - and sooner or later, I know we'll have to deal with her leaving us for greener heavenly pastures. Blame it on the job. Working with death on a daily basis, I can't help feeling a bit morbid sometimes. Though she might picture seriously dull evenings strumming celestial harps in the future, I know she deserves that final eternal rest after decades of caring for the lot of us ungrateful ingrates.

By the window
Musings...

Of course I've come to realize that not everyone's quite as ready to let her go as yet.

Finding a quiet moment in the day, my grandmother tugged me back into her kitchen domain to recount a hilarious experience she had two weeks back. Practically bursting with hidden glee which boded ill for my cousins. Feeling particularly lethargic that morning a sennight past, she stayed in bed for an extra hour refusing to leave the bed - till one of my overanxious cousins came knocking insistently on her bedroom door.

Let's just say that short of a sledgehammer to the head, Macho Mike simply doesn't take subtle hints.

Grandmother : Leave me be. I'm tired.
Mike : Are you ill?
Grandmother : Just can't move.
Mike : Are you dying?
Grandmother : Yes, I am. I find my vision blurring slowly... I think I might be going...
Mike : What?! What!
Grandmother : It's time. So sad I have to go. Take my diamond necklace, give it to your third aunt. She bought it for me five years ago.
Mike : No, grandma, you can't leave us!

Seriously. And that was just the beginning.

According to my astonished grandmother, my surprisingly doltish but hugely sentimental clod of a cousin re-enacted a lachrymose sob-fest scene straight out of a Korean tearjerker, dragging her out of bed to clasp her into his beefy arms while wailing away. As everyone here would know, hysteria breeds easily and soon it spread easily to infect my female cousins who hurried into the room to join in the growing dramatics.

Stronger minds prevailed however ( though I'm not sure exactly who that was ) and they finally managed to make it to the hospital without further mishap - with my awakened grandmother protesting all the way. No doubt my cousins were standing outside the emergency room dressed in funereal black singing a mournful dirge.

Where the doctor pronounced her full recovery ( resurrection? ).

Paul : You are monstrous. Don't try that on me.
Grandmother : Tee hee. But I did feel giddy that day.
Paul : I'm sure you did.

21 comments:

danielhenry said...

wicked.

m5lvin said...

cute...

Ryan said...

Goodness! Scared the hell out of me. Should I say luckily all my grandparents had passed away? :p

Lewis said...

She's lucky she didn't have bloody ankles as they all dragged her out of bed and to the hospital. I'll be you've got a serious case of wickedness in you too....probably came straight from grandma. Bless her heart...........

drownedglass said...

Wicked! Your grandma's so beyond drama queen. She's the dowager ;-)

ikanbilis said...

empress dowager! mamma mia, if only grand mama is a bit stronger, i bet is she ready to bitchslap anyone who cross her line!

Queer Ranter said...

Wakakkaka. That is hilarious. :P

Sh@ney said...

What a great story...Devlilish I must say but entertaining...*winks*

SOLOACT said...

oh my...wicked, but enjoed it. i recount my lost of granny just few months back :(

Will said...

I want to meet your grandma

Ah-Bong said...

u are so.... sick...
but lucky u ur grandma is cute. :)

William said...

"LOOK AT ME!!!! LOOK AT ME!!!!"

All my grandparents are in the beyond too...

Sue said...

She is just too funny in a wicked way. Now we all know where you got that from Evil Paul! hehehe

TJay said...

ROTFLMAO!!!! That's freaking hilarious! Well, it's quite obvious where her Grandson gets his WICKED sense of humour. Damn, but I love it. Tell your Grandmother that I think she ROCKS!!!

I bet you sat there the whole time with a glint in your eyes and smirked.

BTW, PLEASE TELL ME WHO THE HUNK IS IN THE POST! I'm in love.

TJay

Stephen said...

Tsk, grans eh? Mine phoned one of my cousins at 2am this weekend because the batteries had run down on her TV remote control and she couldn't work out how to turn the telly off without it.

Mark said...

tee hee, i love your grandma!

Jonzz said...

Sweat... you and your grandma are birds of a feather. LOL! I think she shortened everyone else's lifespan with that act.

Annie said...

Your grandmother is wickedly funny Paul. She ought to be a supporting character in a series of funny novels about a doctor who has this crazy grandma. Reminds me of those Stephanie Plum novels by Janet Evanavich.

mstpbound said...

oh my god your grandmother is hilarious! :) i <3 my grandmother lots too, so i think i would have panicked, too... ;D

savante said...

Bad gal you mean, daniel and m5lvin :)

GASP, ryan! :)

If I was there I'd have given her a shake actually, lewis.

And you say I'm bad, drownedglass.

Nah, she doesn't do bitchslapping. She has ways of getting her own way, ikanbilis.

I found it hilarious as well, queer rant.

Can't believe old ladies can act like that huh, shaney!

Sorry for that, soloact.

You gotta be kidding right, will?

YOu mean she is so.. sick, ah bong :)

Yikes, william.

I got it honestly, sue.

Eeep. I forgot who the hunk in the post is, tjay.

Muahahaha. The perils of the older generation, stephen.

Bet my other cousins didn't think so a week back, mark :)

They certainly had quite a scare, honzz.

OMG, You're right! I shall tell her that, annieiieieie...

Nah, I usually keep calm in such situations, mstpbound. As will you once you start work.

Paul

Cyclohelix said...

been coaxed before with such acts for me to attend the final tidings...but seriously, grandmas are full of wit!