Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Shawn Sparks Tindr

Never trust first impressions.

Especially those garnered second-hand from an outsider who might or might not have a personal bias that coloured their initial impression. I certainly never do. In fact I make it a point to give fledgling acquaintances second or even third chances before I summarily dismiss them from thought and memory.

Or at least from my tight circle of friends.

For instance, Stalwart Shawn who we've started seeing more often these days. Even before we actually met the poor fellow, there have been endlessly persistent rumours about his apparent douchebag qualities. Apparently gathered from some of Shawn's careless off-hand remarks on several pertinent current world issues.

Baby, you can drive my car. 

Having been similarly tarred and feathered back in school. I certainly knew how that felt. Though I'll readily admit my well earned reputation as school bitch was far from fabricated! Even Mad Madison had gotten quite the unsavoury notoriety after her less than cordial breakup but we soon had that all cleared up!

So we had to know for certain.

As it turns out, Stalwart Shawn reminds me a little of my ISO. Same brash jock affability coupled with that subtle hint of rich boy arrogance. More cocky Reggie Mantle than boy-next-door Archie Andrews which would explain the less than favourable first impression earlier.

And also explains his fatal charm with women - well he's quite easy on the eyes too - though it doesn't seem to have sparked a Tindr here yet.

Paul : Surely you can find someone on Tindr. 
Shawn : Yeah right! 
Paul : Why not!
Shawn : Come over and take a look at my Tindr. 
Paul : Is that a proposition? 
Shawn : Let's start with the Tindr first. 
Paul : Alright. 
Shawn : Keep your expectations low yeah. 
Paul : There's no one around. There's only you. 
Shawn : Precisely. So now you understand how hard it is to find straight hookups here. 
Paul : Guess over here they don't have to rely on phone apps. They can just hook up at a bar. 

Turns out when it comes to getting off, it isn't quite as efficient as Grindr.

Unfortunately for the straight boys, it's not as easy relying on heterosocial apps to find someone here on this side of the Big Puddle. Either everyone on this side is a relentlessly straight-laced prude - or they are already busy hooking up at the dozens of seedy bars here. Since tawdry extramarital affairs are surprisingly commonplace here, I tend to favour the second theory.


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Thursday, May 21, 2015

The Religion of Gymbots

Perhaps mere gymbots would be the wrong classification for them. You know the sort - you probably know one of them - those athletic, outdoorsy buddies who are desperately into running, hiking, climbing etc. Invariably waking themselves up early on the odd weekend for a fun marathon or scubadiving competition.

For them, it's practically a religion with clear and definite tenets. Yeah these active-lifestyle zealots aren't quite the same sort as you and I. In fact they don't even speak the same language.

Then again they could certainly try to convert me!

Evidenced by the time Stalwart Shane started up a conversation with Mad Madison after they compared gym schedules, with each other and also with their other robust compatriots. Don't think it would take very long before Madison finds herself converted.

Shawn : I try to head to the gym as much as I can. 
Madison : Certainly shows. You're looking great too!
Shawn : That's nothing. My friend can squat almost 110 kg and she's a tiny little thing. 
Madison : That sounds amazing. I can only do maybe half of that! 
Shawn : You should see her benchpress! 
Madison : She must be really fit. 
Shawn : Take a look. 
Madison : Great quads! You should see my friend. He joins the Ironman competitions all the time. I'm thinking of taking part one day. 

They were well and truly awed. I tried my best to follow but honestly I really didn't see the point. Might have blacked out for a moment as well but I managed to catch the final bits of their conversation as they talked about eating clean. Obviously one of the major tenets of their religion which is Thou Shall Eat Clean.

For me, eating clean is getting the dirt off my edible food.

Doubt heading to the gym would be in my fun schedule ever. If not for the ever-present fear of the impending heart attack, I doubt I would even bother. So you can already imagine what I think about getting up at some ungodly hour of the morning during a weekend just to sweat ten miles for a dinky brass medal. Endorphin rush, seriously? Sense of accomplishment, really?

Obviously it's going to take a lot more to convert me. 

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Monday, May 18, 2015

Bear With?

Like I said last week, our Grizzlylocks has quite a few friends. Make that a literal pack. Not that it bothers me like it does Diffident David who finds himself irrationally jealous at times - though he might not care to admit it. The problem for us comes with trying to decide who actually knows.

When we first met Grizzlylocks some time ago, his irrepressible flamboyance pinged even our rusty gay-dars. Only the ever-present beard left us in slight doubt of his homosexuality though all that was all put firmly to rest when we heard Grizz attempt a reasonable impression of gay icon Judy Garland with her now infamous Trolley Song.

Clang clang clang went our gaydar indeed. Since that particular discovery, Grizz has lost no time in emphasizing his pronounced gayness, ringing out with merry showtunes and enthusiastically tapdancing at almost every opportunity. Letting his freak flag fly as it were.

However what might seem patently obvious to us is often quite downright murky to some. In fact according to a mightily insistent Grizz, most of his friends are still in the dark about his sexuality. Which is all fine by us since coming out is totally a personal decision.

Only thing is it's really hard to keep track of who knows.

And who doesn't.

Paul : Wait, lemme look at the list again.
Kat : So we think Jeremy knows.
Paul : But his wife doesn't. Jake doesn't know either.
Kat : Neither does Joe. 

Especially since Grizz doesn't seem to be hiding in the closet in the least. Talk of hot boys and gay porn randomly pepper his everyday conversation with very little restriction which leaves us all wondering how anyone else could possibly miss the obvious signs. Sometimes we don't know whether to continue with the shockingly eye-opening discussion or help him cover up the obvious cracks in his increasingly opaque closet.

Even his far from circumspect beard finds it hard to keep up!

Friend : Waitaminute, why are you watching gay porn? 
Grizz : Umm...
Paul : He meant lesbian porn of course. 
Friend : Oh. 

Grizz : You must watch Cucumber and Banana!
Friend : Wait, why are you watching a gay-oriented show so enthusiastically? Are you trying to tell us something?
Paul : Well obviously he likes food-themed shows as well. 
Friend : Oh. 

And that's the very least of his Freudian slips. Are we seriously pretending that his bewilderingly oblivious friends don't know at all?

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Friday, May 15, 2015

Our Madison Avenue

Ever since the Roaring Twenties, Madison Avenue in New York has become almost synonymous with the American advertising industry, even serving as the inspirational backdrop for the oh-so-chic Mad Men. Even today, it's not difficult to picture beautifully appointed fashionistas flicking through Tindr with their perfectly manicured nails as they browse through the many posh boutiques and stores along this historical avenue searching for that perfect outfit.

But that's way on the far side of the globe. Here on our side of the Big Pond, our very own Madison is decidedly more ... casual.

Or at least our Mad Madison is. Fashion-wise anyhow. Her very own inimitably laidback beachwear style which she customarily defends quite vehemently with the all-too-general catch-all 'It's comfortable!'. Sure I could expound all day about purchasing fashionable workwear that still manages to provide reasonable comfort but I doubt it would lend on receptive ears.

Hmm. Perhaps I could reserve comment? 

Well at least till today when a chance meeting at a cafe with four tart young things in tees and thongs left her with a bit of sour instead. These girls were entirely reminiscent of the heinous Little Miss Socialistas I once spied on back in the city - except on this side of the Big Pond, these tart young things dressed up in rumpled tees and ratty shorts straight out of the laundry basket.

No doubt extremely exorbitant and shockingly branded but on them it could have been less than bargain basement goods. And that goes for the unfortunate Phillip Lim handbag carelessly drooping from one of the Miss Casualistas as well.

There's casual street chic. And then there's sloppy hobo wear. And for the first time, I wasn't the only one doing the venomous judging. Well, at least not much.

Madison : Oh dear, do I actually dress like them? Am I that bad? Paul?
Paul : ....
Madison : Paul?
Paul : ....
Madison : Trust me, your silence isn't helping.
Paul : I was hoping that was rhetorical. Let me take a moment, why not pose that question to Kat first?
Madison : Kat? Do I dress like them? 
Kat : .....
Madison : How about you, Sam? 
Sam : ....
Madison : OMG.

Coming from Madison who's all about casual chic, that's not exactly complimentary. All in the intonation. Since none of her all-too-judgemental friends could muster up a decently innocuous reply, it wasn't long before Madison let out a disheartened wail that grew ever louder when the Miss Casualistas started striking poses and snapping selfies.

Madison : Dressed like that? 
Paul : Well they probably always dress like that. 
Madison : I don't wear that, do I? 
Paul : You do know she has the same tee-shirt you're wearing now? 
Madison : Noooo......

Seriously, dress up people. Who are you dressing down for?

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Monday, May 11, 2015

Allura Returns to Deceive

I've always been a tad cynical.

The more outwardly saintly a person appears, the more suspicious I get. Smiley Sunday Samaritans toting portable Bibles and brollies make me wonder if they're hiding rotting corpses in their backyard. Righteous bearded clerics in their heavy robes ranting about the greatness of their religion only has me checking whether there's an armed Uzi and a heavily pregnant tween hidden behind them.

These are the ones I always keep an eye out for.

Just like the seemingly righteous Princess Allura - who has finally crawled out of the darkest depths after making her disappearance nearly ten years ago. Unsurprising since she basically killed off everyone she knew including her poor hapless fiancee. Just because.

Apparently though bad pennies keep turning up since the murderous princess from the game Trapt has made a return in Deception IV : Blood Ties. Though she now goes by the even more deceitful name of Laegrinna.

The inconsequential change of name certainly doesn't make her any less wickedly vicious. Though she might play the innocent victim all dolled up in a frilly lil dress, don't be fooled by her gentle placidity - seeing as she can barely physically defend herself - for she lays the most horribly sadistic traps known to man.

Or woman.

Not even pretty-boy looks are enough to save her unfortunate enemies. If she had little qualms eviscerating her much lamented fiancee, I doubt any of the others would fare better.

Trust me, not a ride you want to be taking anytime soon. 

This girl is a monster.


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