Thursday, April 24, 2014

Mind the Gap

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a formerly single woman in possession of a good fiancee, must be in want of a great diet plan. Just as long as it takes to squeeze into a slinky wedding gown two sizes too small for her.  Even as far as two centuries back, Jane Austen must have realized that though she obviously made no mention of it in her famously lauded novel. But we all know even the infamously independent-minded Elizabeth Bennet must have pushed away all the fattening baked goods the few months before her wedding.

So once that much-awaited ring slid smoothly down her finger, Pretty Panacea immediately signed herself up for the predestined bridal mission of trying to slim down before her wedding. So what if the wedding date hasn't even been set in stone yet!

Panacea : I need to slim down before the wedding!
Paul : You're already skinny like a reed. Any skinnier and you'd be a two-dimensional cartoon heroine. 
Panacea : I still don't have that gap between my thighs!
Paul : I'm not hearing this!
Panacea : Not that! I meant the thigh gap!
Paul : What for? To listen to the whistling wind beneath your thighs? 
Panacea : It's a thinspiration!
Paul : Dear, you'll be in a floor-length gown! Unless you're backlit by a stadium spotlight, no one's gonna know. 
Panacea : I'll know!

Which is the gist of what we've been talking about for the past few days.

Panacea : Now imagine me in a short white skirt with that thigh gap...
Paul : No short skirts for a wedding please.

Just hope Panacea doesn't go overboard with this latest pipe dream of hers - at least not till she's left with skin-and-bones like that other overachieving bride Lissome Lorelei. Leave the boys some fleshy bits to hold on to, girls. Otherwise it's all painfully angular bony bits!

Ever been jabbed by a sharp elbow? Now... imagine that all over.

Keep telling her that her adoring Northern Prince won't give a damn though Panacea won't believe a word I say. Seriously straightfellas, does that silly little thigh gap do anything for you? I know all the gaunt gals go a little cray-cray over the gap between their scrawny, emaciated thighs - but does it actually make the boys wanna play?

Somehow I seriously doubt it.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Couple Face

You two really have fūqī xiàng (夫妻相).

Wouldn't be the first time I've heard it mentioned even by strangers - since both Charming Calvin and I have received such raving accolades repeatedly. Blame it on having similarly square faces doubly enhanced with thick-rimmed spectacles.

Took me a while to understand exactly what it meant though. Basically the quaint Chinese phrase means a couple with faces that match, denoting some surprising similarities in shape, structure or size. Questionable compliment meant to suggest a fortuitous match fated to remain together forever.

Or at least a really long time.

What do ya mean we look alike!

Usually this oft-repeated saying elicits a pained grimace on Calvin's part. Remaining together isn't the problem for him - or at least I hope. Being compared to an unfavourable troll like me in looks does.

Though I do make fun of it, I do realize that some couples do strike sparks off each other. Just a certain sparkle when two people are together that suggests a relationship altogether unplatonic. A few couples give off so much searing heat it's almost palpable, even onscreen. Sometimes the passion is clear radiating from the pages of a book even.

While other combinations simply are a lesson in sheer incompatibility. Case in point - the terrible pairing of Mina Harker and Dracula in the recent 2013 television series. Talk about zero chemistry - which I'm sorry to say no amount of lurid sex dreams would help. Sadly for the ill-matched pair, Dracula shared more heat with her stone-faced fiancee Jonathan Harker during their impassioned arguments.

Certainly lent some much-needed fire to the usually impassive Jonathan Harker. 

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Whirlwind Romance

Frequently I hear married people moan about not knowing their much maligned spouses well enough. Happily-ever-afters don't come that easily after the wedding. Obviously they didn't have the age-old adage of 'Marry in haste, Repent at leisure' hammered into them repeatedly.

Perhaps they were brought up on a steady diet of classic Disney fairytales which would explain the irrational urge to irrevocably commit to a total stranger - no matter how uncommonly handsome! - the moment he claims an introductory kiss. And yes, I'm looking at both of you shockingly impulsive gals, Sleeping Beauty and Snow White.

Even the Little Mermaid.

Aurora : But he's my true love!
Paul : Seriously. You knew all that after a song and dance in the forest? 
Aurora : But we had lots of chemistry!
Paul : That's lust, honey. You don't build a marriage only on that.
Aurora : You don't?
Paul : Not really. 
Aurora : Umm.
Snow : But my prince saved me with true love's kiss. 
Paul : One Heimlich kiss doesn't make him any less of a stranger. Do you even know his name?
Snow : Umm.
Ariel : Hey, don't pick on them!
Paul : You sacrificed everything you had for a hunk you saw lying unconscious on a beach. 
Ariel : Umm.

Not that I wouldn't have done the same. I mean, Prince Phillip from Sleeping Beauty? Hubba hubba oh come to me, you sexy man. Certainly would have slayed a dragon for him. Prince Eric from the Little Mermaid? Yeah I would have left the sea for him but I would probably have kissed him the moment I landed on shore.

But those are Disney cartoons. In real life? I think I would be a little more cautious about leaping into such monumental life decisions based solely on a pretty face, a great physique and some raging pheromones.

Panacea : I'm getting married.
Paul : You've only known him for three weeks in total.
Panacea : But it's true love! When we're together, it feels like...
Paul : Are you gonna break into song like a Disney princess? 

Although throwing caution to the wind seems to be the motto for my friends. As it turns out, Pretty Panacea - our very own Snow White actually does behave as if she lives in a fairy tale. It didn't take very long after meeting her northern prince that she impulsively decided to marry him.

After meeting him in person for a total of three weeks at the most.

Three weeks. I've had a longer affair with a frozen sandwich.

Yes, I know Panacea has been talking to her prince over the internet for almost a year. But does sharing e-mails and instant messages every few days really substitute the simple act of getting to know a person with an actual live conversation? Undoubtedly flawless internet personalities are frequently edited to present only the shiniest best without revealing any of the inevitable blemishes.

I bet Panacea never even googled his name.

Surely there is time to slowly build on a relationship before rushing to sign the marriage certificate so hastily.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Stop Calling Stop Calling

Stop callin, stop callin, I don't wanna think anymore.

Bet that's what certain harried girls in the human resource department are chanting right now. Surely it must feel like Grand Central Station over there.

Not that I care. Since I'm the one constantly placing their number on the ever-irritating redial just to get a rise from them. Surprisingly enough the annoying shrill ring doesn't seem to bother them, at least not enough for them to get off their tushies to pick up.

Even if the number doesn't belong to them.

Boy, the way you blowing up my phone 
Won't make me leave no faster

According to Charming Calvin, that seems to be accepted corporate cubicle culture. Absorbed into their generic box-like niche in the office floor, each mindless worker drone falls into a world of their own devoid of stimulus from the chaotic outside. Far be it for them to even deign to listen to the annoying ringtone from the cubicle next door.

Paul : Man, I've tried ringing a dozen times. Maybe she's dead. 
Calvin : So have I. That's why you're helping me try.
Paul : Why aren't her colleagues helping her pick up the phone? 
Calvin : No one ever does that.
Paul : Seriously?
Calvin : Never. 
Paul : So your job offer came from a girl in human resource who hasn't picked up her phone in three days. 
Calvin : Yes. 
Paul : Someone must have shot her to stop you from taking the lucrative job offer. 
Calvin : Possibly. 

Speaking for myself, I simply hate phones ringing nonstop so I feel absolutely compelled to pick it up - no matter where I am regardless of who the bloody aggravating phone belongs to.

Bloody hell, did I get your farking answering machine again!?

Absolutely undeterred - and far too used to the procrastinating, lackadaisical bunch in the government offices, I tried again five minutes after. And still no answer. Utterly incomprehensible. Surely someone must have been driven mad by the perpetually ringing telephone.

Perhaps it's fortuitous that she doesn't seem to be around. After multiple frustrating attempts at trying to reach her, I just might make her cry the moment she picks up.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Can I Play With Your 啾啾

Sounds so deliciously dirty. Especially when you realize 啾啾 is spoken as 'jiu jiu'.

Which is exactly what I erroneously imagined ( yes, yes I have a horrifically filthy mind ) when an old auntie patient of mine came by this morning. Speaking haltingly in a curious jumble of Chinese dialects, her aged arthritic fingers kept pointing right at me as she kept harping about my 啾啾. Already tasked with trying to understand her speech, my sad lack of Chinese prowess had me wrinkling my forehead in consternation in due course.

Of course if the patient had been several decades younger and more testosterone inclined, perhaps I would have offered to show my 啾啾 in a more private setting.

Paul : Excuse me? 
Auntie : You have a nice 啾啾.
Paul : Umm... thank you but it's that obvious? Are my pants a little too tight?
Auntie : No no! Your 啾啾!
Paul : Chew chew? Jiu jiu? Is that a soft toy? 
Auntie : It's that tie around your neck!
Paul : You mean the bowtie? 
Auntie : Yes!

Tend to go very formal at work hence the vests, jackets and the occasional bowtie. Which is what the old lady - probably used to the more overly casual wear in town - was trying her best to comment on.


You want to see my what? 

Turns out it's a colloquial expression frequently used by the cutesy, frequently kawaii Taiwanese for the humble bowtie. For some reason, the word 啾啾 sounds like a bird tweeting so it's basically tweet tweet around your neck. Who knows, mayhap the winged bow knot also resembles a feathered friend perched on the collar.

Now come on, how impossibly cute is that!

Saturday, April 05, 2014


Times certainly have changed.

With our equal rights advocates pressing forward with their demands in many developed countries - and quite a few developing ones - and even gay marriage gaining traction, it comes as no surprise that homos are suddenly the undisputed flavour of the month. Even a blatantly homophobic, religiously conservative country like ours has gay all over the front page. Notwithstanding the infamously neverending sodomy case that keeps getting dredged up every couple of years.

Though the government-sponsored reports are always frightfully negative, it nonetheless shines a spotlight on us like never before. At least for now.

The next most-wanted accessory for the modern girl on the move - the GBF

So is it any wonder that though the attention might be hugely unwarranted and highly undesired, we've become exceedingly notorious? Seems like almost everyone wants to know about the gays.

Girl : Hi, can I ask you a question?
Paul : Ask away. 
Girl : OMG are you gay?
Paul : Yes.
Girl : Like for reals?
Paul : Yes?
Girl : That's like totes incredible! Like I so wanna have a gay best friend!
Paul : OMG! Yay!

At least that's my reaction. Or perhaps it's the reaction of the lost generation of boys who spent their high school years miserably huddled in the proverbial closet worried about the negative reaction of their judgemental peers. So to be accepted wholeheartedly with little condemnation sounds like a vivid technicolour dream!

That's what I initially thought would be the usual reaction but these days with homosexuals going mainstream, the gay boys are actually whining over giggly girls going after the next big thing. Some might disagree but I think on the whole, the younger generation is getting a whole lot more tolerant of dissimilar mores. And it turns out the GBF is the next big trend - Gay Best Friend in case you're wondering.

But the new gay boys ain't having it. Supposedly wanting them as a GBF reduces them to the demeaning status of a shiny accessory to complement their glittering circle of socialistas.

And the boys don't want to be objectified.

Like seriously?