Reason enough that you'll rarely find me during mass or services these days - apart from my personal deadly sin of sloth that stops me from going on lethargic weekends. But not for me congregating with the praying masses. I know there are those who seek comfort and shelter in the religious God-fearing community - but truthfully I find overly familiar ( and overly pious ) crowds simply terrifying. Theologically of course, we might be brothers - but hell, I honestly don't wanna get that close to all of ya.
So stay your distance, Holy Joes. I like my conversations with God to be alone.
God, is that you?
Every once so often when I feel that I need a personal phone call instead of just the everyday ongoing mindless chat, I steal into the nearest church in search of an empty pew right at the back. Brings back the times I used to spend alone in the school chapel just babbling mindlessly about my confusing adolescence - and the fact that I secretly wanted to make out with my humpy ISO.
A fact that we actually made reality the last few months of school right there in the chapel. Well technically above the chapel where the malfunctioning church organ was situated.
So you can see why I needed my scandalous conversations to be kept private. I doubt His parishioners would appreciate our homosexual merrymaking.
Trust me, most of the sanctimonious Pharisees wouldn't understand.
After all I've always been kinda irreverent about God and religion. Not only did I have an occasionally patchy Catholic foundation ( what with skipping catechism ), I also had lashings of Buddhism and paganism all meshed up into it. So you can imagine how skewed my religious view can be.
For one thing I've always thought that the Big Fella up there has a heaven ( ooh! can't very well say hell, can I? ) of a humour! How else would He make humans just as fallible as we are? No doubt God's having a jolly good laugh over our frequent mind-boggling fuck-ups.
I'm no canonized saint myself - so I do find myself breaking a few commandments here and there as well. Taking his name in vain for one. Seriously. Sometimes you just can't help it.
Paul : That's one fine piece of man ass. God, I'm sure you must have spent a little more time on that - and hot damn, it was sure worth it.
Paul : God, if I were really good for the entire next month, would you make sure that cold-hearted bitch roasts in hell for an extra week?
Paul : God, deliver me from this hellhole! Help me find a rich gorgeous boyfriend who'll deliver me from this demeaning work!
Of course the Big Fella up there doesn't respond to my inane, mindless requests ( no matter how omnipotent He might be, I bet He already has dozens of far more important stuff to cater to such as plagues and wars ). So no burning bushes or blinding flashes on the road to Damascus for me.
By now, I'm sure my sheer irreverence would drive the pious kneebenders to raising flaming pitchforks in protest. Of course I'm glad to note there are others who are able to share my sacrilegious view of God. Just take a look at the Lamb by Christopher Moore. Not only is the recent edition imitation leather bound and gilt-edged to resemble a Bible, it's meant to be a filler for the years that Jesus Christ practically disappears from the canonical gospels.
Wait a minute, where is Biff?
The Gospel of Biff, Christ's childhood friend to be exact. :)
For those who didn't have such all-important Biblical facts drummed into their heads with endless readings in school, you'd be surprised to know that the New Testament reports the birth of Jesus ( the angel, the star, the three wise men ) and then fast-forwards three decades later till the time he returns as a full-fledged adult. No mention of the years in between - apart from a brief mention of his teaching in the temple in Luke 3:23.
So what happened in those lost years between the manger and the Mount? Did Jesus get sent away to boarding school? Did he go on a tour of Rome? Did he fall in love with a Gentile? Well Christopher Moore attempts to rectify this serious lack with this hilarious tongue-in-cheek novel called Lamb which tells the growing years of Jesus with his best friend Biff. What I love is that the book humanizes Jesus - without neglecting the crucial aspect of the divine - making him a wonderfully sweet, earnest teenager eager to fulfil his role in bringing good news to the world.
No doubt the fervent Bible-thumping zealots ( who already screech in fear of the Da Vinci Code ) would find this satire absolute blasphemy! Which would be such a pity since reading this surprisingly touching book only made me far more appreciative of the life and teachings of Jesus. It ain't that easy being the Saviour after all :)