Monday, February 04, 2008

Not Under My Roof

I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll never be that cool dad.

Although I received considerable latitude as a teenager, I don't know if I'd be able to provide similar treatment - if I ever had kids. You'd probably think that I had the most horrible draconian monsters as parents when in reality, it was just the opposite! Strict though they were in certain matters ( our grades for one ), my surprisingly liberal New Age-y parents actually allowed my brother and I quite a shocking degree of license.

Honestly, I never even had a curfew. Like never ever. Well, not theoretically speaking since my parents never spelled it out formally in any verbal agreement. No doubt they knew that deep inside we'd feel horrible guilt pangs all over knowing that they'd predictably stay up late with the porch light on waiting for our return.

So how could we possibly party away all night knowing?

As the Catholics would know, guilt always works. I never said my parents were dumb.

Henry Tudor
I'm your king dictator potentate father!

But somehow, I always imagined that I'd keep a tighter rein. Yes, the ultimate control bitch. Somehow relying solely on their judgement seems a bit risky. No doubt after watching so many unfortunate tweenagers stumble and fall on their way to adulthood ( dozens of tragic casualties to be found in the inner city hospitals ), I find myself far more wary about the dangers. Far too many slipping into coke-dependent, sexually-promiscuous slacker mode without the proper guidance.

Hopefully by then of course I'll have a more reasonable, sensible partner to balance out my crazed Machiavellian tough-love parenting policies.

Paul : Where are you going at this hour of the night, Calvin? Getting pretty late.
Calvin : Umm... I am going to buy some groceries?
Paul : After midnight? Some fire-sale?
Calvin : Yes, I really need to get some... plaster. For my aching back.
Paul : Interesting. I thought I already had some in the medicine cabinet. Surely you mean you're going out to bail our son from the drunken orgy I expressly forbade him to go? The one which already broke our curfew set at 2?
Calvin : Ummm... seems like the police raided the club he was at.
Paul : Yes, someone tipped them off. Seemed there was a rumour that someone was ingesting K.
Calvin : OMG. You called the police?
Paul : Did I say anything wildly incriminating like that? Well it would be easy enough to track Nate with the GPS I planted on his coat.

Medieval Parents
You had your son imprisoned in the Tower? Are you crazy?

Heinous. I know. What a monstrous parent I'd be. Papa jahat. Obviously my poor son - this yet unborn Nate - would be living under the merciless boot-heel of paternal tyranny. Complete with an entire detailed constitution of laws and statutes ( and by-laws! ) governing his actions.

Then again, it's my son. So don't worry about Nate. If he was any son of mine, he'd be smart enough to know how to bend, twist and manipulate the rules to an inch without actually breaking them - probably already scheming a planned escape route out of the house ( with places of hiding in every nook and cranny ) while cooking up a thousand plausible ruses to use on gullible daddy Calvin who won't know any better.

So obviously I have to be doubly quick.


Ben said...

I am not sure if I am suppose to feel sorry for your future son or what? Hopefully, he's smart enough to sneak out and bring someone back at night without getting caught! :)

freshmess said...

So you had him named already, eh? Bet he'll be just fine, the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree as they say.

And hey, Munny comes also in black and glow-in-the-dark, and the Mini Munny (4-inches) comes in white, pink, and blue. There's also a Mini Munny with a car and accessories. Cool, eh?

Linus Linnaeus said...'s always my believe that new parents nowadays try too hard to be parents...maybe easing off is the key and you having this premature fear of being a bad father is kinda like a bad start i m sorry to say...but that have a fever :P


nakedwriter said...
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nakedwriter said...

Oedipus-Electra Incestuous Hamlet Freudian complexe hints are oozing all over that hot daddy picture with the tinge of SM in the back.

Surely a post about father fantasising will one day come?

donniestar said...

Keep it coming............

gaia19 said...

Don't be so tough of the unborn child, Paul. Your children should be able to see you as a friend and trusr you. But if you want to go down that route, the kid better be a good liar :P

Annie said...
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Annie said...

Geebees, I can't spell.. let me repost here:
Like Dr. Phil says, "Kids don't have to like you, but they have to RESPECT you." Kids have to deal with more temptations and crappy potholes than we ever had as a kid. Somebody's gotta keep a leash on them or they'll fall deep into the abyss and wonder how he got there. New generations will of course require new parental tactics. Hidden GPS in their underwear. Inserting a shock collar device in their neck. and if you have a GIRL for a kid - you're history - might as well just lock her in the basement and feed her Sarah Connor Chronicle episodes and teach her military tactics and let her think the world is violent, untrustworthy and scary.
Oh, well, it's not far from the truth, right?

Jason said...

Aha... strict papa jahat. I don't normally do the clubs till wee hours, so can I be your son? :P

dazedblu* said...

Argh, I really dunno but I have a weired feeling abt the post, seems couldn't tell what it is.

TJay said...

ROTFLMAO!!! Please! You more than anyone should know that kids are going to do just what they will but within reason. Rules and limitations are necessary but sheer honesty with them is what makes someone a good parent.

Smoothering is a different story. Need I remind you of what happens to the proverbial 'Preacher's Child or Children'. Rebellion 101!

Nate, I like that a lot! My second is my Godnephew's (Colin) and third is friend's son (Liam).

D-Man said...

Yeah, he'll have you wrapped around his finger in no time at all. It's always the 'tough' ones that are easiest to manipulate...

savante said...

Just hope the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, ben and freshmess :P But hey, he should get some traits from me!

No worries. I wouldn't dare do it alone, linus. I need someone to balance out my sheer lunacy.

GASP. naked writer, I didn't look at it that way but now that you've mentioned it...

Thanks, donnie.

Will teach him right, gaia :P

Thank God for Anniiiieeee's support :)

You have your own and you're technically too old for a spanking, jason. Unless you're offering.

God forbid but could it be I remind you of your own dad, dazedblu?

I love the name Liam as well, Tjay!

I am sure he will, d-man!