Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Holy Matchmaker II : Matrimonial Mania

I think I will turn straight.

At least for the space of one evening.

If only to get two harpies off my back. Somehow or rather the tenacious Schoolmarm Sally has found her conniving way to my matchmaking mama's side - and horrifyingly enough they have joined forces as evil spirits are wont to do, these malevolent minxes of matrimonial mania. Not exactly sure what the terrifying duo have cooked up in their bubbling cauldron of iniquity but it surely bodes ill for me.

No doubt collaborating over eye of newt and tooth of dragon while concocting an updated list of blushing debutantes - beginning with the paragon-like Miz Jadine at the top. Not sure how or when I suddenly turned into eligible bachelor Number #96 on her list but evidently Schoolmarm Sally believes so ( quite a confidence booster admittedly ) despite my manifold flaws. Why else would she continually hound me over the shocking availability of her saintly niece Jadine?

Finally caved last week after repeated admonishings from the both of them, took the offered number sullenly and shoved it in my pocket. Had half a mind to toss the number into the rubbish after setting it on fire but I figure... why not?

Cupid's Arrow
Ahem! Aim that arrow someplace else please...

Have any of you ever tried picking up a girl? Seriously. Embarassing as hell picking up the cellphone to chat up an unknown stranger but I steeled myself this evening, immediately segueing into the role of smooth bass-voiced casanova - hoping that she wouldn't uncover the baldfaced lie easily.

Jardine : Hello?
Paul : Well, hello Miss Jardine.
Jardine : Do I know you?
Paul : I'm sure you don't but I'd like to get to know you.

Just hope I didn't come off as a lecherous middle-aged twit ( perhaps she's already alerted the neighbourhood police to trace the prank call! ). But I guess I managed the ballsy hetero act well enough since I somehow managed to talk the thoroughly bewildered babe into going out with me. More like busy steamrolling over all her vague remonstrations. Drop the voice an octave, butch it up a little and censor any inadvertent mention of Barbra, Christina or Chris Evans.

Worked well enough considering.

And hey, I can pick up women! Shall practice on guys next - while Charming Calvin's away. :P

Not sure what I'm gonna do with Jardine now that I've got a seeming date with her. Maybe I could pick her up dressed in a pink feather boa and heels. Certainly would get the point across but I figure some subtlety would go over better.

Paul : How was dinner?
Jadine : Oh it was lovely.
Paul : Not as lovely as you. By the way, I'm gay.
Jadine : I knew it! Not fucking again! What the hell is wrong? Is the damned world full of gay men?!
Paul : Really? What makes you say that? Do you have a single gay brother?

Then again maybe I should keep it to myself.

17 comments:

jamie said...

Noooo!!!!! Any idea how agonising it is to have a crush on someone only to find out that he's gay? I spent a good hour banging my head against the wall!

Don't do it, Paul!!

savante said...

No worries. Will tell her for sure.

closetalk said...

ok. now DAT pic is STILL seein me drool here! :)
o, and i TOTALLY adored greg montgomery also!

EarlGreyTea said...

seems like someone's getting mor and more advanturous nowadays :p

keep it up and keep updating us ya :p

la tea de stress sangat!

Jonzz said...

LOL, the closing conversation was hilarious.

But on the serious side, I think you'll traumatize her if you ever said that.

Elliot T. McBeal said...

Seriously doc, your pics make your entries really hard to read at the work place... LOL

East-West said...

Aiyoyo,

DO not even think about it!!!

I certainly will not be pleased if my other half goes for a match-making date!!!

BTW, send me an e-mail for the name of the DVD centre :-)

Sam said...

This is going to be hilarious. :P

jason said...

Somehow reminds me about the conversation my friend and I had the other day. He asked me to date some girls. Heh...

nemesis-on-fire said...

please let us know the outcome of ur very hetero 'date'

so.... how are u planning to break it to her that u're in the other camp?

poor girl... i'd hate to be in her shoes...

what if it's like phoebe of Friends, u know, where she was really in love with a gay man? :P

William said...

Let's hope she's a lesbian.

Vengelyne said...

Will it be considered cheating going on a date with someone who doesn't tally with your sexual orientation?

This sure will be an interesting date. =)

Sue said...

Evil Paul once again to the fore!

Palm Springs Savant said...

now don't do anything rash here. no needx to go straight! great post btw..very funny. sto by and say hi sometime

Ryan said...

So does she has a single gay brother?!

You would've broken her inky-vinky heart! Aww...

savante said...

Hot pic, I totally agree closetalk!

Adventurous? But how, ealgrey? Only makan lah.

Probably freak her for life, jonzz.

Will shrink them next time, elliott :P

It's with a woman, east-west!

And scary too, sam.

So what did you feel after dating them, jason?

Will break it to her early so she won't think anything wild, nemesis. Come on lah, I'm hardy a homme fatale.

Now THAT would be hilarious, william!

Can't imagine what I'm gonna talk about, vengelyne.

Paul

YAJNAT said...

lol...imagining that conversation with all the emotions and facial expressions...makes my tummy aches in laughter...