Friday, May 11, 2007

Match and Monogamy

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be :)

Seems like I've inadvertently stumbled into the dusty pages of a Regency novel where delightful soirees and civilized tea parties form the norm for the privileged few. In truth, it seems as if I've actually gotten myself trapped in the clutches of the notorious matchmaking mama ( or aunt as the case may be ). Not that I hold any expectations of ever possessing said good fortune but in these days of stubbornly unmarried ( and unmarriageable ) singles, perhaps there is a pressing need to lower the eligibility bar. A scarcity of landed lords and gentlemen wandering around these heathenish parts after all.

What have I gotten myself into again?

Being of a friendly sort, I easily welcomed a dear old colleague when she made an appearance at my workplace. Demanding, frustrating and prone to fretful crotchets, Schoolmarm Sally hasn't made herself all that popular at her previous workplace but I find her irresistibly endearing nonetheless.

Of course that's when the dictatorial Sally's venting one of her trenchant opinions on someone else. Like an irresistible force of nature, she pleases no one and finds nothing pleasing in return.

Except for her niece.

Yes, there is a catch here. Seems like her unprecedented visit to me wasn't without premeditated reason. Sally has in her possession - amongst other material objects she's collected with her rumoured vast wealth - a darling niece who has been left supposedly on the shelf whilst obediently tending to the altar of family duty.

At least that's what I gleaned from her facts.

The mention of her beloved niece's name left me immediately wary and as I checked out the closest exits, I could see exactly what Big Bicep Barry meant about being hounded by ambitious matchmaking mamas. Is it possible they assume I'm such a mutton-head that I can't find a mate on my own? As Sally started her loudly enthusiastic spiel on her paragon-like niece, I had a suspicious inkling that I could be the sole survivor on her rapidly shrinking eligible bachelor list - no doubt most of the other gentlemen have gotten themselves otherwise engaged, transferred to places unknown - or even worse expired from the shock of her audacious advances.

Obviously I'm made of sterner stuff. Or so I thought.

Paul : That's all very nice, Sally but I don't see what this all has to do with me.
Sally : The poor girl just needs to get about, see new people.
Paul : It's not the 1800s. Lots of ways to meet people nowadays. Speed-dating? I'm sure the internet is full of wonderful sites for people like her.
Sally : Internet? Perverts all of them! What about you? You could bring her around after all.
Paul : Bring her around?

That explosive interjection I made out of astonishment was obviously taken as ready assent - and I stared agog as she peremptorily pressed an embossed namecard into my hand. Took me only a second to note the name of the unfortunate ( and possibly oblivious ) career girl being peddled off by her pimp of an aunt.

Paul : Sally, I'm involved with someone.
Sally : Don't see no ring on your finger and you can certainly make new friends.
Paul : I'm dating a guy!
Sally : You just haven't met the right woman.
Paul : Yes, that may be so but I don't think...
Sally : Oh, look at the time! So sorry I have to rush and go. I've already given her your number by the way.
Paul : Hmmm.. I need to get an Engelbert Humperdinck ring.

Hmmm... what a clever, manipulative shrew - and the freak didn't even bat an eye over my attempts at coming out! - and yet I find myself quite in helpless awe of her Machiavellian machinations. Obviously my seeming decrepitude hasn't stopped the ambitions of the unholy matchmakers. My mother would certainly have liked her.

Nothing can work out obviously since I'm not in active search of a beard. :) But it's always good to meet new people.

Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love.


Linus Linnaeus said...

well....i have friends in singapore who are dying to be hitched(you can read it in their jitterish single character) but won't admit to it...hence why they are not attached...i guess you become more appealing if you flirt flirt abit as bimboish as that may sound...

make the best out of it...take it as a compliment that you're actually considered as a decent guy and an option for her niece...and use it to tease your boyfriend... :P

savante said...

Tease my boyfriend? I bet he'd be doing his own version of tsking - which is juk juk juk.

mstpbound said...

haha that was so amusing. your aunt sounds like my mom. every time i tell her about a girl, she asks me if I think she's pretty. Then she asks me if I think she would make a good wife. -_-'''

closetalk said...

lol. so how did de date go? dinner, or coffee?

Anonymous said...

Alas, it's been long enough I had forgotten that the Charming Doctor has indeed found his handsome match!

I suppose I should feel blessed that my parents are fully aware that I am in a permanent, monogamous relationshp.

Yet, like you, I am still astonished when I am entreated with the question: "Are you married yet?"

Dashing Dan said...

Good grief! You came out but she didn't so much as bat an eye? Does your mum even know?

jay said...

Whenever my mom asks me if I have a girlfriend, I state that I'm too busy with school or something and she drops it.

She hasn't asked recently. I think she MUST know by now, if she doesn't oh well.

I'm pretty sure if I lived at home, my family would be doing the same thing to me. Trying to do some matchmaking of their own but I guess thats a benefit of being away from home.

Sue said...

That is just downright nervy! The cheek that lady has! The niece must be really desperate. You came out to her and she didn't even bat an eye. I just don't get it.

connerkent said...

Nothing can work out obviously since I'm not in active search of a beard

It took me a while to realize what you meant by your statement above. LOL! Naughty Paul - someone has obviously watched straight porn ;)

cleo weiland said...

I say you call up Poor Unsuspecting Pimped Up Office Girl and tell her what her shameless aunt has been up to.

That should keep the woman quiet for about...a year! The look on her face would be priceless.


Cyclohelix said...

Passing the Jekyll & Hyde limelight to her doesnt seem to work, hmm get nasty!

conan_cat said...

lol i guess your sally friend just wanna play matchmaker for no apparent reason...

and yeah, you should get that ring on your finger to shun off unwanted bugging from girls. maybe you should just get an engagement ring with ur boyfriend :D

Anonymous said...

matchmaking busybody aunties will forever be your worst nemesis won't they? maybe keep that pink featherboa handy just in case you ever need to get a bit more "physical" in your shock admissions. hehehe :p