Saturday, May 05, 2007

Anal Phase

Let's face it, straight boys can be so anal sometimes.

Really. After taking the initial steps of coming out to them, you'd expect insightful hard-hitting questions about coping with brutal intolerance in a heterosexual world or dealing with an unsupportive Asian family but instead what we usually get are impossibly frivolous interrogatives about our deviant sexual habits. Expecting to face Larry King, we get Jerry Springer instead.

Based on that seven second rule, I guess boys will be boys after all. :P

ON the wall
Got my back to the wall! Now tell me about the sex!

One of the first questions I get after coming out to them is the anal question. Although I'm sure anal intercourse isn't as common as commonly believed - for the curious straight boys, it's all about the sordid buttsex. Buggery might be a whispered taboo during schooldays but obviously it has remained lodged somewhere in distant collective memory of fears unknown.

Since anything remotely phallic approaching the sanctity of their tight sculpted asses strikes them as terrifyingly treacherous ( and vaguely sacrilegious! ), they simply cannot fathom how it can be something to be greatly desired for insatiable bottoms. Although the specifics are obvious enough, they don't seem to be able to restrain themselves from digging for the tawdry down-and-dirty details.

Just like those perverted voyeurs who peer to look at nasty traffic accidents. They fear what they might find but it still doesn't stop them from going to take a closer look :P

Straight Guy : So tell me.. what about the... uhh.. the sex?
Paul : Sex is sex.
Straight Guy : Well, you know! How, where, what - exactly which slot does item A fit in?
Paul : You need to ask?
Straight Guy : Doesn't it hurt?

Honestly, I'm no authority on homosexual sexual habits but the how and the where is simple enough after all. Apart from gross genetic mutations or violent stab-wound trauma, there aren't too many gaping slots in the human body.

But does it hurt? Do you really need to ask?

Try it with a cucumber and you tell me. :P


Dashing Dan said...

Why don't you tell them about the prostrate gland and what it does for a man? :P

Annie said...


I'm not saying a word.


I like Dan's suggestion, or you can simply say, 'Turn around, bend over and you tell me if it hurts."

yak yak

Jeremy said...

Depends on the size of the cucumber?

Allan Yap & Nigel A. Skelchy said...

LOL! Yeah most of the time, I get those questions too. Like "how ah? Can ah? So small. And then how ah? "

suicidalconversationjunkie said...

HAHAHAHAHA I'm too much of a damned *v-word* to have such questions thrown at me. What I get instead are the boring attracted-to-male kinda questions. My straight friend tried it with his finger and he enjoyed it! ooh-er :p

Mark said...

Insatiable bottom... I like the sound of that. It just demands something bigger... and bigger... and bigger... and bigge - okay, I get the point.

Jannah said...

Should blog about Ass to Mouth. That'll sure be an interesting debate.

Been reading your blog for a while. Are you really a doctor?

And yes I've read about them prostrate glands. That's another blog entry altogether :)

jay said...

Actually my straight male friends never asked these questions. They asked about my relationship history but not about sex.

I find that with my friends, the straight girls are the ones who always ask those kind of questiions.

FKUpton said...

You are right about straight people being ignorant. I once had an acquaintance who think all gay men wants to be a woman and is waiting for the operation. I look at him and say that you are so B-grade.

Cyclohelix said...

I'm always making a deep impact evil look and grin on those who questions on

matrianklw said...

You never fail to crack me up! Hahah!

Anonymous said...

Hmmm .. I find that my gay friends are the ones more inclined to discuss their sex life in detail. If I ask a straight friend how her date went she would tell me if the guy was nice, interesting, handsome, what movie they went to, what restaurant , etc. Some of my gay friends would start with a detailed physical description and before I notice the discussion would move to a blow by blow, so to speak. When I told one friend that, really, I don't need nor want to know such intimate details about his life he thought that I was homophobic lol.
On the other hand, straight women talk about their own bodies way too openly. Maybe I am just a prude.


Sue said...

It must be just that straight guy. Most guys I know wouldn't touch that issue with a ten foot pole.


ulliterative.ullvin said...

My ISO : Get a fancy doorstop just in case you want to go back in?

LOL... your ISO has a pretty good sense of humour. And did you say he's good looking too? Sounds like you guys had a great time.

When are you going to blog about the Gaspingly 'Ulluring' Gaspard Ulliel and Hannibal Rising? Quick, before you forget! I've even changed my nick as a tribute to the ulltimate ulliel... fortunately its only a letter away :) He's a doctor too... in the movie that is!

Soul Seared Dreamer said...

Yeah none of my straight mates have asked me sordid details about my sex life either.

You have a wacky mate, that or he is bicurious. Offer to physically show him what slots where, you never know... he might be eager...

( ",) said...

Clark Can't said...

I know, right?
Thankfully, my sister's nonchalance regarding my queer life makes it non-scringe inducing. =)

Clark Can't said...


savante said...

No need the specifics, I'm sure, dan :P

Kinky anniiieee!! :)

True, that does matter too, jeremy.

Size does matter after all, nigel.

What's the v word. junkie :O

Mark, you're getting me hawt!!

Ass to mouth? Jannah, that would have me banned for sure :P

They do ask those questions too, jay but most don't actually want to know I'm sure.

God, I love women but I wouldn't want to walk in heels, fkupton!

Evil grin, helix? Naughty :P

Thanks, matt.

Ah, the blow by blow of a relationship... i guess you do have that right tho, michelle :) Sometimes even I get a little TMI.

Depends on the guy, sue :) Some are curious as hell.

My ISO is a nice guy when he's not philandering, ullvin. GASP, Hannibal Rising.. lemme think of what to say. Did I tell you I used him as my desktop?

Offer to show him, dreamer? He'd run screaming. And I wouldn't blame him :P

Lucky for you, clark! Wouldn't dream of telling my sister!