Maybe I should get someone new!
Or better known as the dazzling, effervescent, utterly fabulous original It girl Mary Jane Watson.
Or in the recent Spiderman trilogy of movies, what I call a paler, whitewashed doppelganger of Mary Jane played by a colourless Kirsten Dunst. Certainly didn't hit the jackpot there, tiger!
Not only does poor beleaguered superhero Peter Parker have to contend with a murdered uncle with a penchant for extremely cliched homespun phrases, homicidal best friends who want to bury the hatchet in his back and well-meaning mentors that turn wildly megalomaniacal on him, he now has this poor weepy, spineless redhead of a girlfriend in the movies - a far cry from the feisty, headstrong MJ we're used to in the graphic form. If life handed the real MJ lemons, our wily girl would have found a way to make lemonade - and also easily sold several buckets with her flashy redheaded charm while netting a commercial franchise for her lemony products.
She probably wouldn't have come crying to her boyfriend about her failing career problems ( most probbaly to do with her unkempt messy hair! ) especially when he has the freaking world to save.
Unfortunately MJ seems to have turned into a wishy-washy heroine during the movie rewrites. Rather than command the screen with her vivacious presence, Dunst's MJ barely makes a blip each time she appears, blending far too easily into the inonsequential background with her rapidly fading auburn curls sadly leeched of colour.
Even a little petty blackmail from a monstrous villain ( one of the many shattering experiences she should be easily inured to by now after being passed from one kidnapping attempt to another ) has her falling apart in seconds. Come on, what could be worse than involuntary bungee jumping from a skyscraper without a rope? Backstabbing ex-best friends should be a walk in the park.
Not that I expect MJ to wield a freaking katana blade to whittle down the bad boys but I'm sure she should do a little more than the stereotypical damsel in distress screeching endlessly for help while she dangles precipitously from a precarious height. At least she managed to land a cement block accurately on the villain in the latest installment of Spiderman :)
Yeah, poor Peter. Just lucky MJ didn't miss and accidentally drop the brick on his head. Come away with me, Peter baby and I'll show you a way better time on that web of yours. At least I won't scream that much.
Seriously, Spiderman can never catch a break. Crappy job, lousy pay, dump of an apartment, screaming girlfriend... all those burdens and when the man turns bad, he can't even get a decent hairstyle! Evil wicked aggression amplified by a monstrous-fanged alien symbiote is characterized by a floppy lackadaisical fringe?
And you know what the funniest part is? Bashful, methodical Peter Parker reminds me - or at least Tobey Maguire does - strongly of Charming Calvin. :) So you can imagine the filthy things I want to do to the man while strapped to the bed with some webbing.