Friday, May 04, 2007

Poor Peter Parker

Clark has his Lois. Reed has his Sue. And yes, Peter has his MJ.

Peter Parker
Maybe I should get someone new!

Or better known as the dazzling, effervescent, utterly fabulous original It girl Mary Jane Watson.

Or in the recent Spiderman trilogy of movies, what I call a paler, whitewashed doppelganger of Mary Jane played by a colourless Kirsten Dunst. Certainly didn't hit the jackpot there, tiger!

Not only does poor beleaguered superhero Peter Parker have to contend with a murdered uncle with a penchant for extremely cliched homespun phrases, homicidal best friends who want to bury the hatchet in his back and well-meaning mentors that turn wildly megalomaniacal on him, he now has this poor weepy, spineless redhead of a girlfriend in the movies - a far cry from the feisty, headstrong MJ we're used to in the graphic form. If life handed the real MJ lemons, our wily girl would have found a way to make lemonade - and also easily sold several buckets with her flashy redheaded charm while netting a commercial franchise for her lemony products.

She probably wouldn't have come crying to her boyfriend about her failing career problems ( most probbaly to do with her unkempt messy hair! ) especially when he has the freaking world to save.

Unfortunately MJ seems to have turned into a wishy-washy heroine during the movie rewrites. Rather than command the screen with her vivacious presence, Dunst's MJ barely makes a blip each time she appears, blending far too easily into the inonsequential background with her rapidly fading auburn curls sadly leeched of colour.

Even a little petty blackmail from a monstrous villain ( one of the many shattering experiences she should be easily inured to by now after being passed from one kidnapping attempt to another ) has her falling apart in seconds. Come on, what could be worse than involuntary bungee jumping from a skyscraper without a rope? Backstabbing ex-best friends should be a walk in the park.

Not that I expect MJ to wield a freaking katana blade to whittle down the bad boys but I'm sure she should do a little more than the stereotypical damsel in distress screeching endlessly for help while she dangles precipitously from a precarious height. At least she managed to land a cement block accurately on the villain in the latest installment of Spiderman :)

Yeah, poor Peter. Just lucky MJ didn't miss and accidentally drop the brick on his head. Come away with me, Peter baby and I'll show you a way better time on that web of yours. At least I won't scream that much.

Seriously, Spiderman can never catch a break. Crappy job, lousy pay, dump of an apartment, screaming girlfriend... all those burdens and when the man turns bad, he can't even get a decent hairstyle! Evil wicked aggression amplified by a monstrous-fanged alien symbiote is characterized by a floppy lackadaisical fringe?

And you know what the funniest part is? Bashful, methodical Peter Parker reminds me - or at least Tobey Maguire does - strongly of Charming Calvin. :) So you can imagine the filthy things I want to do to the man while strapped to the bed with some webbing.


suicidalconversationjunkie said...

Never liked kirsten dunst playing MJ, I share your exact sentiments. She just doesn't have the gusto! She makes MJ look pussy. Spidey can take me anytime, but ooh - Brandon Routh first, PLEASE!

Allan Yap & Nigel A. Skelchy said...

ummm actually no, I can't imagine what you want to do to him. Tell us please! ;-)

Sue said...

Ah yes, more details please!

Perky said...

Great.. now when I see Peter Parker I'll be thinking of charming calvin instead :P lol!

Annie said...

Can we assume then that Charming Calvin has those magnificant abs and biceps then? oooooh lala

*Bitch slaps MJ off the roof*

There! *dusting hands* MJ is history.

I agree though that Brandon Routh is more tempting.. He's got some rugged feel to him and a better jaw line.

savante said...

Totally love ya, junkie. Fortunately it's probably the last time we'll see her as MJ especially since Anniiieieiiei bitchslapped her off the roof.

Hey my blog is already banned in the MidEastern countries. If I described the filthy acts, it'd be banned everywhere else, nigel and sue.

Same serious smile, perky.

Wish he had the abs, annieiieieie... but he's good for the biceps. Brandon Routh and Chris Evans are in a different stratosphere of hotness :)


Annie said...

Your blog has been banned? Are you serious?

ok. I believe it.

You bad bad man.