The Martians have Landed

Bet you Adam and Eve had the very same argument right after they got tossed out of Paradise Motel on their naked arses. Darling Eve might have been created from his vaunted rib but that certainly didn't mean they shared the same wavelength most times :) Half the time they couldn't even decide on what to wear ( or not to wear as it may ).

And I bet Eve got more than a little pissed off sometimes watching Adam get all hot and bothered over naughty stick drawings on the sand as well ( possibly dreamt up by that deliciously wily apple sales-snake in the garden ).

These days of course we've evolved far beyond crudely drawn stick figures on the cave walls but the boys haven't gone far past the Neanderthal stage. Teary Teri, my newly married colleague at work, certainly got more than a little het up when she discovered the depth of her husband's deception.

Teri : I can't believe my husband did such a thing!
Paul : What? He cheated on you? That scumbag.
Teri : No! Nothing like that! Well... he sort of...
Paul : How do you sort of cheat on someone? Grand foreplay but no finish?
Teri : I was going through my emails and I...
Paul : Like every curious woman since Pandora, you snooped.
Teri : He has porn.
Paul : Colour me surprised.
Teri : But how could he?
Paul : How could he not? Every man has porn of some sort. You think he's an ascetic monk?

Fortunately for Teary Teri, her husband didn't lean towards leather man-on-man action but veered more towards the more vanilla all-American porn that horny straight men usually favour. Tits. Snatches. The whole heterosexual shebang. Nothing particularly wild about it, no dripping candles, metal straps or horse whips involved even.

Of course for poor Teri, she immediately leapt to the unsavoury conclusion that her errant husband was cheating on her with a yet undefined dreamy, luminous pornstar with hefty bazongas - Lulu, Tallulah or Mabelle. No doubt she imagines him cheating her by Doing Debbie in Dallas. Or would that be Damansara?

Cheating on her? I can easily imagine the astonished expressions on the straight guys reading this ( no doubt dropping everything to rush back to hide their porn stash from their suspicious partners ).


Porn? I ain't got no porn! I'm a good guy really!
Let's not jump on a moral high horse. Face it, cheesy porn mags with curiously sticky pages are almost a santicfied growing up ritual in every adolescent boy's life - hell, even a freaking saint would have sneaked a hasty peek at some raunchy publication once in his life. Seriously, go ask any guy around. Honestly it would never have occurred to her oblivious husband that watching porn constitutes adultery for Teri - nor would he ever consider even dating the aforementioned Delicious Debbie from Dallas. It's only pretty pictures, a brief romp in a sweat-soaked fantasy - something no doubt for him to get his rocks off when she's preferably not around.

Women don't look at it that way of course. Certainly not the first time I've faced such a livid reaction from women when it comes to porn ( as my pal Amazing Annie can attest to :) ). No doubt the militant feminists out there are already raising their fists to heckle us wicked voyeurs - but I find arguing over such a matter simply making mountains out of molehills.

Then again porn does make mountains out of molehills. Tee hee.
*Ahem* But I digress.

Let me repeat here, men aren't women ( thank God for that! ). Men like football. Men like beer. Men are simple, basic creatures who think of sex more times than they'd willingly admit and find naughty porn mags utterly titillating reading material. Admit it though, we call them shameful stereotypes because most of the time it's true. Sure every once in a while you find that rare emasculated specimen who eschews football, beer and sex - but they're quite as rare as the dodo bird. And quite possibly gay as well.

Which is why I sometimes thank God I only date men. Years back when I found my ISO's shockingly extensive stash of porn ( *ahem* in decadent foreign countries where it's thankfully legal of course ), all I wanted to do was help offload some for my own consumption. Horrified and betrayed? Please. Share and share alike between then boyfriends - hell, he was more than willing to help me review some of the more popular merchandise with a real-life replay afterward.

Yeah, men are from Mars and women are from Venus.

Unfortunately there's a porn channel in Mars. Live with it.