Monday, May 07, 2007

The Martians have Landed

Bet you Adam and Eve had the very same argument right after they got tossed out of Paradise Motel on their naked arses. Darling Eve might have been created from his vaunted rib but that certainly didn't mean they shared the same wavelength most times :) Half the time they couldn't even decide on what to wear ( or not to wear as it may ).

And I bet Eve got more than a little pissed off sometimes watching Adam get all hot and bothered over naughty stick drawings on the sand as well ( possibly dreamt up by that deliciously wily apple sales-snake in the garden ).

These days of course we've evolved far beyond crudely drawn stick figures on the cave walls but the boys haven't gone far past the Neanderthal stage. Teary Teri, my newly married colleague at work, certainly got more than a little het up when she discovered the depth of her husband's deception.

Teri : I can't believe my husband did such a thing!
Paul : What? He cheated on you? That scumbag.
Teri : No! Nothing like that! Well... he sort of...
Paul : How do you sort of cheat on someone? Grand foreplay but no finish?
Teri : I was going through my emails and I...
Paul : Like every curious woman since Pandora, you snooped.
Teri : He has porn.
Paul : Colour me surprised.
Teri : But how could he?
Paul : How could he not? Every man has porn of some sort. You think he's an ascetic monk?

Fortunately for Teary Teri, her husband didn't lean towards leather man-on-man action but veered more towards the more vanilla all-American porn that horny straight men usually favour. Tits. Snatches. The whole heterosexual shebang. Nothing particularly wild about it, no dripping candles, metal straps or horse whips involved even.

Of course for poor Teri, she immediately leapt to the unsavoury conclusion that her errant husband was cheating on her with a yet undefined dreamy, luminous pornstar with hefty bazongas - Lulu, Tallulah or Mabelle. No doubt she imagines him cheating her by Doing Debbie in Dallas. Or would that be Damansara?

Cheating on her? I can easily imagine the astonished expressions on the straight guys reading this ( no doubt dropping everything to rush back to hide their porn stash from their suspicious partners ).

Porn? I ain't got no porn! I'm a good guy really!

Let's not jump on a moral high horse. Face it, cheesy porn mags with curiously sticky pages are almost a santicfied growing up ritual in every adolescent boy's life - hell, even a freaking saint would have sneaked a hasty peek at some raunchy publication once in his life. Seriously, go ask any guy around. Honestly it would never have occurred to her oblivious husband that watching porn constitutes adultery for Teri - nor would he ever consider even dating the aforementioned Delicious Debbie from Dallas. It's only pretty pictures, a brief romp in a sweat-soaked fantasy - something no doubt for him to get his rocks off when she's preferably not around.

Women don't look at it that way of course. Certainly not the first time I've faced such a livid reaction from women when it comes to porn ( as my pal Amazing Annie can attest to :) ). No doubt the militant feminists out there are already raising their fists to heckle us wicked voyeurs - but I find arguing over such a matter simply making mountains out of molehills.

Then again porn does make mountains out of molehills. Tee hee.
*Ahem* But I digress.

Let me repeat here, men aren't women ( thank God for that! ). Men like football. Men like beer. Men are simple, basic creatures who think of sex more times than they'd willingly admit and find naughty porn mags utterly titillating reading material. Admit it though, we call them shameful stereotypes because most of the time it's true. Sure every once in a while you find that rare emasculated specimen who eschews football, beer and sex - but they're quite as rare as the dodo bird. And quite possibly gay as well.

Which is why I sometimes thank God I only date men. Years back when I found my ISO's shockingly extensive stash of porn ( *ahem* in decadent foreign countries where it's thankfully legal of course ), all I wanted to do was help offload some for my own consumption. Horrified and betrayed? Please. Share and share alike between then boyfriends - hell, he was more than willing to help me review some of the more popular merchandise with a real-life replay afterward.

Yeah, men are from Mars and women are from Venus.

Unfortunately there's a porn channel in Mars. Live with it.


chase said...

There is nothing wrong with porn and sometimes I actually encourage my bf to watch some so he learns a thing or two on doing some extra tricks in bed.

Jannah said...

Porn. I have a good history with porn. I've started watching porn too young. Now watching porn is about checking out the latest local scandals. Who's doing who and what not.

And you should tell your friend to Google Cytheria. She'll be amazed. Oh she will :)

nyonyapenang said...

errmmm...maybe teary teri is from beyond mars.

Sue said...

I must be from Mars too. ;)

strapping.shane said...

*googles Cytheria*

At any rate, maybe she's one of those goodie-two-shoes who don't know that porn is a way of life for some guys. =P

Bry said...

who doesn't watch porn anyway??? i guess even monks watch!!!

cleo weiland said...

There is a porn channel in Venus. And I own it! Haha!

Share and share alike, alright! The real-life replays are definitely worth it :P

closetalk said...

ra-ra-ra for porn!

Annie said...

oh, silly silly men. It's not that he's looking at porn that bothers teary Teri... It's the thought that teary Teri isn't enough for her husband that he must go elsewhere for pleasure... Now, if she found naked pictures of herself in his dresser and he gets off on her pictures, betch your cute hiney should wouldn't have a problem with it. It's that annoying female button that blinks and says "am I not good enough for you?" - Female competition... she's prettier, her boobs are bigger, she'll do THAT? WOW!

I could be wrong. Personally, I think it's healthy. Nice way to introduce the subject there Pauli. :D

William said...

"Will Work for Porn"

jay said...

Annie, interesting point but why don't gay guys feel that same way then? I don't think 'Am I not enough for you?" even though my ex constantly viewed porn.

We even watched it together sometimes and traded it constantly. Both pics of each other and loads from the wide array available on the internet.

Savante's conclusion still stands IMHO.

Dave said...

Porn Porn Porn...a small little thing on your video/computer collection that attracts everyone from 8-80, young to old, computers to cinemas.

But isn't porn normal among couples. especially married ones? No need to be so surprise.

Sometimes, small little porn excites the sex life of a couple, but tonnes of porn does break a marriage.

Cyclohelix said...

What's life without ogling at beautiful subjects?

savante said...

Whoa, so has he mastered some of those tricks yet, chase?

Just amazed you even found Cytheria, jannah!

Probably from the asteroid belt, nyonya :P Glad to know you guys and sue are from Mars as well.

Goody-two-shoes is right, shane.

Can imagine naughty monk porn right now, bry. Shaolin Sex Machines.

Whoa, now Venus has porn channels too, cleo? :)

Support it, closetalk. Or work for it like william.

But why would you compare yourself to a pornstar, annieieie?

Never thought of comparing as jay said. We'd fall far short for sure :)

Now I'm trying to imagine an 80 yr old watching porn, dave :)

True enough, helix!


Annie said...

Women are from Venus...

Men (gay, bi or straight) don't have this subconscious conscientiousness.

Oh Paul, how can any civilian girl compare herself to a porn star or playboy bunny? We look like Ugly Bettys compared to them. Ick. Can't do it, shouldn't compare... but it's natural for women to do it.

Weird species. No?