Tuesday, May 29, 2007

The Masturbatorium

Everyone has their own peculiar Kit Kat break, so to speak.

Let's just say that work doesn't come without its own set of stressors - my ISO has his dirty dartboard but me, I have my own ways of dealing. When I'm feeling a lil moody, a lil pissed off, a lil grumpy, I usually go for a walk to work off all that stress - and inevitably I end up going down a particular out-of-the-way corridor that leads to a special isolation room. Not that I've ever been fortunate enough to enter but all I have to do is look at the name proudly emblazoned in bold letters on the door - The Masturbatorium - and I can't help but crack a smile.

An imprudent few would even call it a smirk.

Although the purpose of the room is obvious enough from the shockingly suggestive appelation, I know there'll always be the innocent few who'll wonder. Well, the masturbatorium is a private sanctuary for struggling wannabe fathers who find themselves reproductively challenged - which is why we have the masturbatorium ( and the subsequent semen analysis by your friendly neighbourhood technicians ) to separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak.

The name's certainly a mouthful. Appropriate enough, I should say :p

Whoa. Who opened the door!

Behind closed doors, the moans, the groans and the shattering finale ( though I've honestly never heard a peep! ) should be obvious enough to describe the activities therein. Doesn't need a genius to ascertain the main purpose of a masturbatorium but I've always wondered what else goes on behind those resolutely locked doors.

Though I've almost convinced myself that it's only a cold, sterile nondescript room far from conducive for its purpose - as inevitably all hospital spaces turn out to be - I've always hoped and imagined it as a decadent, sensual pleasure palace built to cater to the sordid needs of the red-blooded heterosexual man, possibly with towers of raunchy straight porn DVDs in alphabetical order - with a bit of naughty fetish and girl-on-girl action tossed in the mix - and dozens of vintage, well-loved Playboys with disturbingly sticky pages showcasing nubile, half-dressed beauties cavorting without a care in the clothing-optional countryside.

Boys will be boys - but hell, they all still need a little something to perk up their libido, right? And there's nothing quite like a winsome Miss January flashing her wondrous mammaries to the delight of the viewer. Wonder if they even cater especially for the closeted homosexuals by slyly inserting a DVD or two from Bel Ami / Falcon!

Along with the generously splattered plasma screen, there will no doubt be suggestive lighting, questionable fluffy pillows and comfortable ( though curiously squishy ) leather seats of course. And thankfully close at hand, there'll be the generous bottles of lubricants / lotions ( guaranteed to leave your hands silky smooth! ) and endless rolls of tissue paper, no doubt prerequisites in every budding hormonally-challenged teenage boy's room. Bet the guys reading are smirking right about now as well.

Always makes me wonder though what the unfortunate guys think as they're going in - especially with the stern-faced 300-pound nurse waiting just feet away for the required deposit. Enough to make them wilt surely :)


Sam said...

Cute. :P

But you mean you've never been inside to look? :O

angel said...

Haha! I've not seen this "word" in a hospital, yet. If I did see one, I'll take a peep and tell you what goes on behind the those walls haha! Shhhh!

mstpbound said...

belami/falcon?? so 20th century! bring on the eurocreme! :) :)

Queer Ranter said...

Oooo porn porn~~~

Me like porn.

Anonymous said...

huh?!?! there's actually one? u mean every big hospital has one??? never knew that!


Dave said...

Wow. A mastubatorium.

I wonder how does it smells like. Does it smells lovely? And is the floor sticky?

But it seems that porn theatres is the best place that fits the word masturbatorium. Hehe.

connerkent said...

i have a feeling that it might smell like a bathhouse.

(... *ahem* not that i have been to one.)

Legolas said...

Why do they lock the room? I thought they have to clean it quite often.

Sue said...

I suppose it would be locked when it is "occupado".

It must be related to the peetoriums that I visit frequently when I am out and about. No?

savante said...

Never, sam. Honest.

Doubt they let the ladies in, angel :)

Wah, you naughty boy, mstpbound!

Doubt they seriously have it there tho, queer ranter.

If got fertility clinic, yeah they would have, EGT.

Will try to find out, dave :P

A bathhouse... yum, connerkent.

Not sure why they lock it in the first place, leggy.

Maybe sue is right!