The V-Card

Virginity is a bubble in the froth of life - one prick and it's gone.
Odd though this may sound, Zany Zinedine's new year resolution is to lose his virginity. Hope he chooses the right prick though.

I could read Zinedine a trite lecture on safe sex and the nasty pitfalls of STDs but since he isn't a naive backwoodsman, I think he's already gone through the birds and the bees. Not sure if there's a target sell-by date - since I can easily imagine him drawing up a stylish Gehry-inspired calendar with forecast dates marked on when and where to lose his precious V-card. Perhaps even with a traditional deflowering ceremony where he tosses an embroidered red ball ( or auctions off his precious mizuage? ) into the breathless crowd for the suitor he's chosen.

Often highlighted in a number of teenage coming-of-age flicks, the act of losing one's virginity is commonly considered to be a near essential rite of passage. Of course depending on socio-cultural norms, the event can be viewed either as a significant milestone to be proud of or as a secret failure to be ashamed of - with such perceptions heavily influenced by assigned gender roles. None-too-subtle sexism at work but it's quite obvious that boys and girls attach far different premiums on their chastity - with the girls stacking up on the belts while the majority of horny red-blooded teenage boys are in such a hurry to lose it that it becomes almost a competition!

It is regarded as normal to consecrate virginity in general and to lust for its destruction in particular.

But what's the rush?


Can I get a refund?
More than a few are freaked by the initial experience - and let's face it, who isn't! Even the most suave double O superspies find themselves stumbling over their first time sealing the deal. All of us have impossibly high hopes that our first time would be perfectly choreographed like a sleek gay porn version of the Cirque du Soleil with appropriately sexy soft-focus shots - when in reality that first attempt usually resembles far more closely a clumsy Three Stooges debacle filmed with shaky amateur hand-held in the backseat of a Corolla.

Once the clothes come off ( and you can imagine how lightning-fast a teenage boy drops his trou once he figures what goes where! ), nothing's quite as it seems. After all, watching pixellated porn and reading how-to manuals can only teach you so much! Each and every sweat-soaked kamasutra position has been replayed a thousand times in our heads but once put into practice, each step seems impossibly fraught with difficulty ( often with embarassment ) and it's hard not to laugh at some of the more... technically taxing positions.

Short of dating a spineless yoga master.

And the facial expressions can be quite a titter as well. Whoever said that human sexuality didn't have its share of laughs?

Then there's the significant ick factor. Seriously. It's not all about discovering what the lumps and bumps on your body can do. You do know that gay sex has more than its share of bodily fluids, sticky moments and ( despite thorough washings ) the occasional human excrement? Reason enough many squeamish boys I know eschew the joys of anal sex despite popular belief. And yet we see hot cum freely splattering all over on vids without the pornstars even flinching. We see the boys easing through the backdoor what amounts to a 12-inch monster with hardly a single grimace.

For any first-timer, I tell ya it's all bullshit. You're bound to be freaked.

Till you learn to enjoy it of course :)

Still it's a journey most of us finally stumble through on our own - or if we're lucky enough, to discover new experiences with a steady partner.

Judging by my disgust for sexual prudery, you would think that I'd be the first to celebrate the fact that Zinedine wants to lose his virginity in ten weeks but I find myself slightly perturbed. A change of heart perhaps - in my crotchety old age?

Not really. I believe in sexual freedoms - but not necessarily when you're not ready for it. Which is why I'm puzzled by his sudden resolution. Despite no shortage of winsome suitors, the boy has kept his vaunted virtue intact thus far so I don't see any rush in securing a buyer this soon.

At least not until he finds the right person.

Damn, why can't I get Madonna's single Like a Virgin out of my head?