Friday, April 20, 2007

Locker Room Etiquette

Raunchy locker room discussions amongst the guys have become quite as mythical as the ubiquitous hormonally-charged adolescent boy wet dream of sorority slumber parties - where dreamy nubile beauties frolic together in sheer lingerie while tossing lacy pillows at each other. Sorry to disappoint boys but I have rarely seen anything remotely resembling a luscious Bel Ami production happening in the men's locker room either, where introductory neanderthal grunts translate into steamy uncensored action in heated seconds.

Notice that I said rarely, not never. :P

Locker room
Come into the locker room!

Regular guys just don't hang around locker rooms exchanging spit, dirty talk and bragging rights - at least not for long. Perhaps there's an unspoken locker room etiquette followed by the patrons but like a hasty two-dollar-fuck, there's plenty of slam-wham-and-bam of the locker doors with intelligible speech kept to a laconic minimum. Change, scrub up and leave.

Unfortunately not everyone attended the same Mr Manners class.

Donned my scrubs this evening to get ready for a brief procedure only to get accosted by a colleague, a friendly, hail-fellow-well-met sort who guffaws loudly at his own jokes and tends to enjoy discussing his impossible exploits. An estimable sort really and one I wouldn't mind sharing a drink and a conversation with.

Of course that's when he's wearing pants.

It was all I could do to stare in incredulity as he stood there discussing internal work politics and medical paraphernalia while clad only in his underpants. Oh my EYES! Seriously. There shouldn't be talk at all in the locker room.

Especially if you're half-naked in your holey stained briefs.

Ever tried to talking to a man ( that you're not thinking of shagging repeatedly ) in his underwear? It's very hard to tell exactly where to look. Whether to stare obliviously at his shiny bald pate or down at his bushy mustache with basmati rice hanging off the edges. Or run over his quivering jowls as he jawed endlessly about the latest stupendous surgical procedures. Of course it would be disastrous ( though I couldn't help it honestly! ) to even peek below that thick neck. His sagging man breasts? The bristly forest sprouting from his hairy back? Or worse that heavy bulging paunch overshadowing his briefs!

Really. Short of possessing an enviable physique straight out of abs-heavy 300 or Men's Health, there shouldn't be any call to strut around the men's locker room while discussing relatively innocuous topics.

Do my eyes a favour. At least put on a fucking shirt dammit.

Simple really. The only time I have to talk with a sweaty half-naked man should be in the throes. And nowhere else. Unless the man himself looks utterly ravishingly delicious in pair of tight, well-packed briefs ( and we all know I'm a firm supporter of the law allowing all personable men to walk around en déshabillé ) - and we do know how terribly rare such a magnificent specimen can be. Even then I'd be much too distracted with all the brawny action going on below his muscular neck to even concentrate on his didactic speech.

Underwear Hunk : I think he should be... bla bla bla.... poor prognosis... bla bla bla.... attempt a procedure... bla bla bla...
Paul : Gah. *Drool*
Underwear Hunk : What do you think? Don't you think we should ... bla bla bla...
Paul : Could you flex your pecs again while you say that?

Thankfully no such distraction exists in a five miles radius around my workplace.



cleo weiland said...

Oh you poor thing. If I were you, I'd come up with some lame excuse of having to be somewhere else just to get out of that conversation.

Ykno, I bet every guy in my campus feels the same way you do. The chicks around here don't expose much flesh but the ones who do, either they've not much to offer or they just have too much going on (read: overweight flabby ladies in no more than a tank top and a miniskirt)! Seriously??

Oh my EYES!!

mark said...

"Terima Kasih" for visiting my humble blog. He deserves a second chance. And I'm giving it to him.

I can speak Bahasa Indonesia, how far removed is it from the language in Malaysia? It's Malay right?

Las montañas said...

man breasts! LOL! how disgusting yeah. Need to hit the gym and do 100 inclined benchpresses!

strapping.shane said...

I walk around my boxers at home. Kinda norm. :P

xoussef said...

Some other locker room etiquette rules :D

Dave said...

Went to a sauna where this is what the guys usually do:
1. Open up the locker, keep their personal items/belongings.
2. Start to took off their clothes, pieces by pieces.
3. Either wrapped themselves with towel before taking off their briefs/simply took off briefs without wrapping the towel around them before placing the briefs into the locker
4. Look at one another while taking off the briefs.
5. Stare at each other naked, signalling hot actions with one another.
6. Straight to a quiet corner for a hot action.

Anonymous said...

Holy cow, mother of all horrors. You should have just taken out your scalpel, brandish it and then mumble something inaudible about a surgery u have to rush to. Off to the gallows for him I say! :p

Dashing Dan said...

Oh dear. You sure he wasn't trying to hit on you? :p

*pokes shane

jay said...

I actually tend to stay away from locker rooms at the only guys who tend to be naked are the ones you never EVER want to see naked.

closetalk said...

lol. fat daddies in undies... isnt dat a fantasy for soem ppl? lol again.

-kEn- said...

wondering if i was inside the locker room

Kiks said...

TBH, it's better that way. It'd be even more awkward when you couldn't stand up without having a tent pitched, lol.

Jonzz said...

Ha ha ha, *wiping eyes*. That's a funny one.

Can't you just tell the guy to put on some shorts?

savante said...

I didn't think of that at the crucial moment, cleo. Just transfixed by his hairy back!

Glad you're giving him a second chance :) Bahasa Indonesia isn't all too far removed from Malay - kissing cousins probably.

Then again, I need to hit the gym as well, las montanas.

Hmm.. will drop by your place in the morning then, shane - when dan is not around :P

GASP, xoussef!

Okay, which sauna is this, dave - and why am I not going there?

Whoa, you're even thougher than me, junkie :P

Definitely not hitting on me, dan.

Jay, that's not true all the time :) Fortunately.

True, some chubchasers would have found him delicious, closetalk.

Judging frm your pic, bet you weren't him, ken :)

Good God. Never happened yet, kiks.

How to tell him that, jonzz!


_ethnwg said...


I can relate your story so well. Even if that person is NOT half-naked but has got boogers on his/her face, that could also b quite distractive regardless hw ravishing he/she is.