Sunday, March 11, 2007

The Spartan Diet

Forget about excruciating daily body-jams at the gym and munching on zero-calorie alfalfa sprouts to gain that enviable ripped six-pack. I've found the perfect solution.

All you have to do is run away and join the Spartans. Honestly. Just take a look at the brawny King Leonidas and his 300 Spartans with their pumped-up machismo. Not sure exactly what they're feeding those bright-eyed boys in Sparta but never before have I seen so many broad shoulders, tight pecs and defined abs revealed ( short of a sweaty gay disco on a happening Friday night ) with nary an ounce of fat to be found amongst the lean, mean fighting machines.

Starting to have a sinking feeling that those judged wanting ( or a single pound overweight after the weekly weigh-in ) are summarily tossed off the high treacherous cliffs of Mt Taygetos. Really, it's enough to make an entire movie audience of men hold their breath to suck in their stomachs.

Easier enough to join the Spartans, I believe. Training with dozens of other sweaty half-naked musclebound athletes? I believe I can suffer some of that pain.

Boys
If you wanna get that six-pack, come join the Spartans!

If you're expecting light romance, high drama and intelligent dialogue in this faithful adaptation of Frank Miller's classic graphic novel that recounts the 480 B.C. Battle of Thermopylae, where 300 Greek warriors from Sparta managed to stem the flood of the 60,000-strong Persian invading army, you'd be well disappointed. There's barely time in all the beautifully captured ( though bloodsplashingly gory ) action and fight sequences to squeeze in the few moments of tender emotion shared by King Leonidas and his shockingly supportive militaristic queen, Gorgo. Certainly not for the squeamish as decapitated heads, slashed hands and hacked-up torsos bathe in red-hot blood in this perfectly choreographed ballet of carnage.

But who cares about all that when you have... abs. And an abundance of it. Decked out like gladiators in a luscious gay wet dream, the testosterone-soaked soldiers from Sparta approach the battlefield in crotch-squeezing leather ensembles that expose as much tight bronzed flesh as our Malaysian ratings would allow. Amazed the astonished Persians didn't drop to their knees in worship of such god-like beings.

I certainly would have. :P

Yeah, I am that shallow.

Though I know queer advocates / critics are wailing over the obvious lack of homosexuality in this ancient Greek city-state, I also do understand some of the reasons behind it ( apart from the possible latent military homophobia these days ). Seriously though... throughout the relentlessly violent movie, there's hardly time enough to portray two men sharing more than a pallet together. Sure there are hints of a closer relationship between two of the warriors but you have to squint really really hard - and extrapolate wildly from their few laconic lines.

Stelios : You fight really well.
Astinos : So do you. Look out for that rhino!
Stelios : Drat that rhino! Oh, you know something... I think I have feelings for you.
Astinos : So do I. Maybe we have some time to steal away before... Ugghh..
Stelios : What? What is it, my love?
Astinos : Feel that sharp point nudging your abs? That's not what you think... I think I just got a Persian spear through my thigh.

So obviously there wasn't much time for love during those troubled times.

...***...


Of course there's not much time for loving at work here in the hospital either - unlike those unconventional fiends at Seattle Grace. Hell, look at the time I'm writing this! Sigh. Work never ends here in the hospital.

9 comments:

Stephen said...

So does the film show all the Spartans combing their hair (while, erm, "stripped for exercise" as Herodotus puts it) on the eve of battle?

Oh and male beauty contests were considered one of the ancient Olympic sports by the way. And Olympic athletes competed naked, so presumably the beauty contest was also nude. Might explain the attention to those abs.

hrugaar said...

Nah, if you were a few pounds overweight I think they'd just give you a workout (or workover, heh) down the gym.

Is that a spear nudging my abs or are you just pleased to see me? ;oP

goodshithappens said...

hahaha that's hilarious!

Sam said...

Yummilicious definition... make me just go loco. :P

300 was a good watch. You have to admit it. I still have dreams about it.

jase said...

300.. a good movie with a lot of artistic fights.. but the blood slowing down scenes.. bahh.. boring.. all built with 8 packs.. i totally agree with you.. when in the world would they build another movie like this?! ooggling is just engouh, dun even want to know the story line.. hahaa

closetalk said...

lol. now when it comes THIS highyl recommended, i MUST watch the movie with the gay gang. :)

thompsonboy said...

It's tempting to see so many half naked men running away....but isnt the story abit crappy?

Spot said...

Certainly visually appealing.

But the story is downright bollocks (Frank Miller or not) in terms of giving an accurate (it is so very not) account of the Battle of Thermopylae.

Wish they had shown the Spartans doing exercises and combing their hair...ironically, that accurate event really would have fit in amongst the whole ridiculousness that is 300 as a story.

savante said...

Really wish they had all those scenes, stephen :P maybe in the extended DVD version.

True, I doubt they'd toss people off the cliff for that. Maybe make them slaves or something, ru.

Yeah, it is! Go watch it, goodshithappens. Certainly was yummilicious definition as sam says.

Zero plot but God, the view! Liked it, jase.

Think the gay gang would be too busy ogling, closetalk.

I know. Lousy storyline... but hey, look at the half naked men running, thompsonboy.

Already read Miller's graphic novel so I knoew what to expect Spot.

Paul