Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Attack of the Little Fishies

After being tied up by the incessant demands of big business for some time ( and possibly the infamous Bad Ass Brenda ), Big Bicep Barry messaged me today with an interesting proposition.

Barry : What are you doing in May?
Paul : Not sure. Working. Why?
Barry : Wanna go to a hopefully deserted tropical island?
Paul : Sounds interesting, kinda like Lost. Will you be naked, oiled and willing?
Barry : Very funny.

Although it would have been far more interesting if he'd suggested a perverted homosexual weekend orgy, that would have been stretching the truth ( and possibly inspiring unintentional jealousy in Charming Calvin ) since my prim and proper Victorian pal actually called later to tell me he had an extra spot on his diving crew.

Scuba diving that is.

Sigh. I stupidly leapt at the offer having wild irrational thoughts of searching coral reefs for hidden shipwrecks and ancient pirate treasure when all Barry had in mind were colourful Nemos and Dorys - and of course snapping quantities of film with his recently repurchased camera ( so far free from the loathsome techie curse ).

Barry : So how about it?
Paul : You've got to be kidding right?
Barry : But you showed so much interest when I brought my photobooks over!
Paul : Who's looking at the fishes! You and a number of your well-built hottie buddies were all wearing skimpy swim trunks.
Barry : But the fishes...
Paul : Sure, they are cute and all... but I find the really minuscule ones awfully icky.
Barry : Icky? You deal with blood and gore on a daily basis and you find little fishes icky?
Paul : Yeah, just imagine! They could make their way into any one of the bodily orifices.
Barry : And you'd just have to think of that.
Paul : Really. Imagine if it sneaks into your speedos and then goes ...
Barry : Don't even say it!
Paul : What can I say? It's dirty, it's disgusting, it's degenerate - I love it!

Really. There's nothing I love more than travelling. Exciting land tours through ancient walled communities and exotic bazaars, I'm there. Road trips to bustling cities and endless suburbia, I'm there. But I draw the line at goggling over slippery little fishes while struggling to tread water ( and worrying endlessly over the bends and anal-probing sea life ).

I think I just got attacked by some little fishies!

Honestly though, although I don't count myself as all that squeamish, there are still a few things in the world that I find simply... icky.

1) Maggots. Been a persistent nightmare since one of my on-calls when I saw a whole thriving village of maggots nesting in a man's throat. Don't know how the CSI team deals with those wriggling creepy-crawlies but it's all I can do to keep my lunch down when I catch one of those.

2) Worms. Not the usual type you snag onto fish hooks since those are fine by me. These are the disgustingly slimy creatures that dwell in the gut resembling nothing more than the sand monsters in Dune. Imagine them crawling up the oesophagus into your throat - and then taking a curious peek out of your mouth. Saw that once in paediatrics and I almost ran screaming.

3) Hands dangling by the torn tendons. Nuff said, I think.

And now of course we have little mini fishes swimming into my ear - and other bodily orifices.


closetalk said...

mmm... ever since a stooopid pigeon burst into my room and fluttered all over threatening to peck everyone, I HATE PIGEONS.

JoeRy said...

fishes doesn't attract us.

i think we all prefer bird-watching more.

*flips hair

Allan Yap & Nigel A. Skelchy said...

PAUL! Come scuba diving with us. We off to Redang end of Mar! ;-)


PS Lovely little fishiesssss

jase said...

Eww.. I hate worms, maggots, snakes, lizards, cockroaches.. gross.. makes my skin crawl!

And I'm sure fishes won't swim up all your orifices.. there's not much food there to eat.. :)

hrugaar said...

Things crawling or swimming into my ear is what I'd hate most, of any orifice. At least you can blow your nose, or spit out your mouth, and ... well, you get the idea.

Tongueing in the ear doesn't count. I love that. ;oP And yeah, who's going to want to look at little fishies with that crew on board la?

Don't you use maggots as wetware for cleaning up infected/rotting wounds then, paul?

connerkent said...

Think on the bright side, at least you save on the dildo. hehe. ;)

xoussef said...

Speaking of ancient walled communities and exotic bazaars, is there any chance of seeing you in Morocco this year? ^^

Mark said...

Oh god, not after my cheesecake. Not after my cheesecake.

Sue said...

There are no medical records of little fishies swimming up ear canals or anuses. Check for yourself. They are completely harmless and only pretty. I suggest you go and have a good time.

Janvier said...

Can we still eat breakfast after that graphic bit...? Now we'll have to leave it to the sandworm to crawl out of our throats and mooch it for us...

Jonzz said...

Hands hanging by the tendon... that's a good one...

Ban said...

Reminds me of the time I helped my friend clear his kitchen floor of maggots. But someone's throat full of them? That's just eww. He wasn't still alive, was he?

husz said...

I thank god everyday I am not a doctor....

ban... what do you think? he is a doctor not a mortician..

eww, eww, .. I cannot even think of all the gore.. little fishies used to scare me too.. the first time I went snorkelling I only lasted like 5 minutes.. there was this little fish smaller than the size of my palm that bared his teeth and went psycho right in front of my face huhuhu..

u should have seen me scramble outta the water that day..

huhuhu.. But nowadays I enjoy snorkeling very much. just stay away from ikan pari.. They are the most dangerous animals on earth huhuhu..

dude, just face your fears dude.. that is the best hahaha like a rollercoaster ride,.. scare yourself up to the point that you could just vomit, and just do it hahaha..

if fishes scare u imagine taking a swim in the sea in the nude! hooo hooo

Anonymous said...

item 2 is really scary... :s...


Annie said...

OH YUCK! Icky Paul... Fish in orf.. I won't even repeat you.


You da sick man. The mention of maggots give me goosebumps. Go for a jacuzzi, it's safer. :D

bluberry said...

Dear Dr. Paul. Can i have your e-mail address please? I would like to send you a mail. Thank you. Really appreciate it.

jamie said...

Eurghhh, MAGGOTS!!! I can't believe it's used in medical settings to remove dead flesh! WTF!!! Watching yourself being eaten! Look at all my exclamation marks! That's how strongly I feel about maggots!!


William said...

Little fishies? Like my little swimmers? Do they count?

Sam said...

Aiyo, takut ikan!? Apa punya doctor ini!!!