Thursday, November 02, 2006

Masculine Rituals

No, I'm not gonna talk about the peculiar butt-slapping, crotch-grabbing ( vaguely homoerotic ) behaviour practised by hearty, virile heterosexual men of sport.

It's all about the secret little narcissistic ( banal? ) rituals that most men have to endure when they mature. For a boy anxiously taking his first steps into puberty, several things start to evolve, change and grow. No, I'm not gonna talk about that growth, you wicked pervs. :) In a matter of months - sometimes days, that innocent smooth-cheeked Bel Ami boy of youth starts shooting up into gangly limbs, drops two octaves and starts developing facial hair.

It's my secret theory that when Adam and Eve got evicted from that celestial nudist paradise Casa Eden, not only was he punished with an apple involuntarily stuck in his manly throat, poor Adam also received accelerated hair growth around his square jaw that necessitates regular attempts to slice and dice himself with a sharp implement. Or what we would call shaving. Talk about cutthroat punishment.

While poor Eve got stuck in the red tent with her monthfly flows. An even worse fate from what I hear from my woeful female cousins but let's not go there. Not sure exactly what happened to the bewildered Steve since God only knows.

Of course modern man has evolved from the days when we used to scrape sharpened stones and broken seashells across our cheeks just to get intimate with the ones we love ( without resorting to giving them stubble rash ).

A clean shave
Hmm... definitely no nicks on that smooth skin.,,

Let's face it, we've all seen those lovely little hallmark presentations where the sexy half-naked dad teaches his son to shave, prompting hilarious laughter when the shaving foam starts to fly? Well, that glorious male traditon was never that saccharine sweet, I believe. Can't recall how I managed to shave myself in the beginning but I believe my father tossed me a disposable blade and just ordered me to get on with it. Is it any wonder that once violent, bloodthirsty little me wielded the almighty razorblade, I ended up with little nicks and scratches all over?

These days, frou frou metrosexual teachings advocate a whole plethora of sophisticated implements and essential accessories for that perfect shave, turning it into an elaborate artistic showcase of masculine ritual - almost akin to Japanese tea drinking ceremonies. Shaving creams and soaps, aftershave and balms, razors and brushes, even shaving bowls and mugs.

Far from being the purported new metrosexual, I'm a simple ( though some might say bad ) gay man. My needs are relatively simple and all I require ( since I don't actually have the wild tough whiskers of a Wolverine ) is the blade and water - especially when I'm voluntarily thrown into the pathetically spartan gaol at work. Even the bloody mirror is a relative bonus sometimes.

However when I'm not at work for a few days, my now superior shaving skills go into semi hibernation and my trusty razor starts to accumulate rust. Although some career paths practically exult the unkempt, unshaven look such as the mad scientist labs and the deranged starving artiste commune, the stringent medical hierarchy tends to frown upon such unconventional shaving habits. Though there are small exceptions. Since he somehow managed to cultivate a revolutionary mini-stubble of his own, not sure how Handsome Hui managed to charm his way out of such scrutiny.

Sure it's a banal chore but I'm starting to resemble an indigent hobo without a shaving brush. Doubt any of my patients would be able to take advice from someone who looks like just crawled out from living in a cardboard box under the subway station.

Obviously it's time to learn some grooming secrets that separates the men from the boys...
How to get that perfect shave


Grafx said...

i really feel bad for guys.. its not even like girls.. where you shave your legs but then you dont have to do it all over again the next day...unlike men.

i shave my husband's face for him sometimes....its VERY sexy!! get someone to do it for you!! lol....providing they dont decapitate you!!

xavier said...

hmmp, not a hairy person, thus my usual shving gear is disposable blade... (much to my roomate's horror)

JL said...

My instant 2 steps regime :
1) Pick up shaving blade
2) Shave while showering
hmmm...maybe throw in a mirror check after shower.
... am i lazy or what :)

aod said...

I am with JL on that. Always easier to shave during or after shower. The hairs are softer by then. So its only water and the shaving blade.

Anonymous said...

I don't have much hair to begin with, so I just use water and my razor. I don't even need to press my razor firmly to get a good shave - my facial hair is so flimsy, just blowing on it causes it to sway like nobody's business.

Sometimes I use cream - but why waste it when you need it?

Anonymous said...

I mean, why waste it when you DON'T need it. =P


nyonyapenang said...

nothing beats a clean-shaven look. cannot tahan those men with 'satu batu satu batang' unkempt facial hairs.

Shigeki said...

I hate shaving so I have it removed at this salon. It's freaking painful but it is super clean shaven afterwards. :-)

hrugaar said...

Predictably enough, my dysfunctional father played no part in my learning to shave - except that I used to steal his electric shaver unil he got fed up and bought me one of my own.

And I hate the squealing buzz of an electric shaver in my face, especially first thing in the morning. Urgh.

Now I use blades, gel and hot water, and get myself some sensual enjoyment out of the whole process. ;oP But it's still a time-consuming nuisance, so I try not to shave more than once every couple of days.

The most irritating thing is that hair seems to want to grow everywhere on my body except the top of my head, which is the only place I really want it.

closetalk said...

u know, i can NEVER shave myself perfectly! ALWAYS leave a clump of hair here and there, and it looks soooo silly! *sigh*
wud luv to have my boyfrnd sit me down and shave me though... mmm.. just like in the hollywood movies! *grin*

Anonymous said...

Shaving, smaving. We should all go vote for Paul on the QueerClick GayBloggies and Lone Star Verve GLBT Weblog Awards for Best Writing and Best Asian Blog!

Congrats on the nominations Paul!!!

Gay boy comes to London said...

Congrats as well, I voted for you Dr. :-)

Anonymous said...

saving the last shave doc? kekeke... leave some for some1. thanks for sharing ur shave with us :P

Anonymous said...

Gasp! Nobody uses electric shaver?

Anyway, I'm thinking of growing facial hair, new image. Heh.

hrugaar said...

Leggie, elves don't usually have facial hair ... except me ... and now you. Heh. ;oP

William said...

I have not shaved a single time in my life. Wonder if it's genes or hormonal deficiency. Hehe. Body hair seems scary to me.


shaving isn't a daily routine for me, paul. i've gone for months without lifting my razor and i have to admit i did look 10 years older!

anyways, what's vital is you keep yourself clean, healthy and hygienic. that's what i do believe in...

savante said...

But girls have to peel it off... which God knows look excruciatingly painful, grafx!

Hmmm.. true. You do have a smooth back, xavier.

jl, that's just about what i do anyway! Make that a hot shower, aod.

You're still young, sam. Give the hairs a chance to grow.

God, I love you nyonya. You have the cutest anecdotes!

Wah, a salon in Japan must cost a bomb!!

Nah, ru, no electric shavers for me here too. Can't get the stubborn bristles!

That does sound romantic, closetalk :)

OMG! Thanks for the headsup, sue!

Thanks a lot for the vote, gayboy.

Always good to let te world know, cybertron :)

You're certainly a dying breed, sweetheart. What is that facial hair bit again, legs?

Not even once, william!?

But how do you have that beard, shah?


Steven said...

The only thing I remember my father telling me was, "Don't go against the grain!!"

I don't have a ton of facial hair and it grows rather slowly.

Thankfully, the rest of my body doesn't require a serious shave, either.

William said...

Yeah, not even once. There is no need. Practically smooth. I just trim some stray hairs with scissors now and then.