Sunday, November 05, 2006

Holy Matrimony!

There was a hilarious incident starring the ill-teamed definitely not star-crossed duo of Fanny Flake and Big Bicep Barry just last night.

Since I was going out for a belated celebratory dinner with Big Bicep Barry, I assumed I'd be left out of my parents' dinner plans, whatever they may be. But while driving halfway to dinner, I received a message from my mother asking us both to join her. Come join us, we have some friends over for dinner. Didn't strike me as odd - nor was it unprecedented - since it wouldn't be the first time she'd asked one of my friends over for an impromptu dinner parties. Even Charming Calvin has come along more than once, though he remained stolidly silent :P

It was only when I bumped into Barry that it hit me - or more like my mom's message hit me. Some friends. Oddly curious since she'd usually mention the other dinner guests unless there was something particularly fishy going on. There was this sudden crazy urge to give poor Barry a friendly warning about his impending nuptials - possibly moments before making a run for it ala Thelma and Louise but there was this wicked little devil inside who quite delighted in the situational farce to come. Still I felt quite like a deceitful Judas as he waved cheerfully across the parking lot, wholly oblivious to his sad fate.

Barry : Hey, long time.
Paul : I'm so sorry.
Barry : Why?
Paul : You'll see.

And he certainly did see, since he was practically inundated by an army of strangers the minute he walked in. Certainly not hostile but definitely an army, and definitely incredibly strange.

Not giving the man enough credit though - since Barry fortunately managed to rise to the occasion by turning on that urbane charm without missing a beat. Obviously unlike antisocial me, his interpersonal skills are well honed from shoving his products on unsuspecting customers :) That smile didn't waver even a bit when the unsinkable Fanny Flake - his future intended if my mom had her evil matchmaking way - sat beside him complaining about the events of the day while flip-flopping her straight jet-black waterfall of hair - very Ju-On / The Ring ( insert name of any recent Asian horror flick ). Although she started out on a bad note by raging helplessly against the injustice of being cloistered in a small town ( hey, Malacca is fabulous and now recognized as one of the most sustainable cities in the country ), she managed to curb her terrifyingly revolutionary stance in time and sobered as the night went on.

Fortunately since I was this close to jabbing her with a fork.

The real BlackBarry
Big Bold Black Barry...:)

Still, the girl needs an Oprah makeover so desperately. While Barry was looking particularly dashing in black that day - or suitably pumped up since he'd just popped by after gym, Fanny looked like she'd been thrust into an ancient washing machine, run into a spin and left to dry. I know there are zealous feminists out there who wish to eschew any artifical affectation only to depend on their raving natural God-given beauty but trust me, unless you're the divine Angelina who'd look good in a burlap sack, a touch of M.A.C. wouldn't go amiss. You know the saying what God didn't provide...?

Since Barry's charming affability didn't fade even a little, I didn't quite guess that he was miserably discomfited until later that night when we managed to steal away to check out the riverside.

Barry : Okay. What was that all about?
Paul : You know and I know.
Barry : OMG. Seriously? That's Fanny Flake?
Paul : Yeah, you're on my mom's hitlist too.
Barry : Tell her I'm married.
Paul : Too late. She knows you're not. You admitted as much at New Year's.
Barry : I have a slutty Vietnamese mistress and a lusty lovechild.
Paul : Unlikely.
Barry : Well, she wouldn't know that.

Still, fortunately the big guy had a sense of humour and he managed to laugh it off. Otherwise I'm sure I'd probably be lying somewhere in the murky depths of the river after he'd vengefully tossed me in. :) Not sure how he's planning to deal out his payback though.


Pete said...

You just wish he would bend you over the barrel :P

JL said...

I wonder why Fanny Flake went to dinner looking like a walking disaster... trying to earn some empathy? i'm impressed by BB Barry being such a good sport about the whole thing :)A great friend indeed.

Your mom super 'hebat' in matchmaking :) Ever consider opening a matchmaking agency for her. Guaranteed good business ^_^

Maximus Leo said...

LOL! I managed to picture the entire social outing of yours!! :-) That Barry friend of yours - What a sport!!

nyonyapenang said...

Fanny Flake for Barry.
no Cookies&Cream for you that night, huh? ;)

Anonymous said...

So, your mom has given up on you and is now fixing up BBB? She's got better luck with him than with you I would think.

Anonymous said...

gosh ur mom is such a cupid to match everyone's up. Or don't she know that there's some guys are destined not to date with girl one? ahah

ikanbilis said...

a match-maker! i feel like singing.. [i'm sorry if there's mistake but i couldn't remember much of this song i heard from Ally McBeal]

*match-maker make me a match
find me a find
catch me a catch*

ok i don't remember how to continue, but your mum is amazing! i second what jl said! and i think she could profit from it!

p/s:i miss visiting malacca.. i'm gonan backpack there next year!

Anonymous said...


Your mom sounds like my ex's mom - who tries to matchmake everyone with everyone else. =P

Naturally, I am part of it too... but I know well to watch out. =P

Ban said...

It's so funny that you knew what was going to happen before it did. :P

I suspect your mum figures Barry is your bf so she'd better get him a wife so that you can get one too.

charm.calvin said...

I could understand how it's like when your Mom asked all the guys you brought back home whether they have girlfriends, and to find out that none of them has. It's a sign. Not a very good one I'm afraid, to her.

Maybe I should say I have one next time. Then I can avoid being match-made too.

Las montaƱas said...

wouldn't gals be scared off huge bulging biceps?

William said...

What is a "lustful lovechild", pray tell...


gosh! i'm so kesian with you guys. sometimes, our moms can be quite unpredictable...and i so hate that!

Annie said...

No, Las montaƱas, girls are not afraid of bulging biceps, it's the other kind of bulge some girls might be afraid of.. LOL! *wink*. I LURVE big biceps. Makes a man seem strong.. along with a big chest - but then with most guys you also then get the bulging belly and before you know it, you have George Costanza on your hands.

Your Mom is determined.

savante said...

Don't let my boyfriend hear that, pete :P

Not sure why Fanny Flake was dressed that way. Street hobo chic? But Barry's a good sport, one of the most laidback dudes I know.

Go tell him, ian.

Cookies and cream, nyonya? :)

Doubt she has better luck with him, sue.

It's her hobby, famezgay.

Backpack to Melaka? It's not that far away, ikanbilis.

Then again, sam, I like matchmaking too.

I did mention in a previous post that she intended to matchmake him so I already knew, daniel.

Funny, calvin :)

Doubt it, las montanas.

Google that, william, and see what you get :)

Shah, why kesian? Didn't anyone think it was hilarious like I did?

Sometimes you get the big chest and none of the belly, anniiieieie... :)