Monday, September 11, 2006

Holy Matchmaker

Like I've said before, everyone has their own quirky foibles. Charming Calvin enjoys ironing clothes and riding trains. My brother enjoys playing make-believe financial games and intimidating helpless bank clerks. I like reading fanciful stories and torturing fellow colleagues over the telephone.

And my mother has her own private matchmaking agency.

Since her latest vain attempts in matchmaking has fizzled out, she has lately turned her prodigious talents to other pressing matters. Rather than accosting bewildered unsuspecting bank ladies only for my perusal, she has decided to widen her scope to my other bachelor mates. Like every hopeful ( hopeless? ) matchmaker since the infamous and shockingly successful Mrs Bennet, she believes that singlehood is a besetting crime and finds it imperative that every available gentleman gets permanently hitched to the ball and chain before middle-aged insanity sets in.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.


Believe me, my mother has that archaic phrase etched indelibly in marble someplace. Along with that, I'm sure there's a very odd roster of names somewhere with names of lovelorn bachelors and bachelorettes - possibly with imaginary red dotted lines linking them. And since my unfortunate friend, Big Bicep Barry, turned out to be the oldest single gent on my buddy list...

Paul : She wants you to come by for dinner sometime.
Barry : If I'm free, sure. Why the sudden invite?
Paul : You're next on my mother's list.
Barry : What list?
Paul : Her matchmaking list.
Barry : Uhh. Did you tell her about my severe debilitating commitment phobia?
Paul : She says you just haven't met the right woman.
Barry : Woman?
Paul : She has already prepared a whole list of eligible ladies for your perusal. Around your age. There's a certain Fanny Flake, merchandising extraodinaire, that she wants you to meet.
Barry : Fanny Flake? My age?! Can't you tell her I'm still heartbroken from a previous love that died tragically from leukaemia?

Bachelors!
The last of the free bachelors...

Guess this prospective groom isn't biting the bait. As a sworn friend - and a fellow human being, felt it my duty after all to warn poor oblivious Barry about his impending nuptials. At least I have given him some time to start dreaming up some plausible excuse.

Maybe he should pretend to be gay :P

16 comments:

nemesis-on-fire said...

:D our mothers should not meet. yes, i believe she took her cue out of pride and prejudice, too. except she re-wrote it to be thus: it is a truth universally acknowledged, that every girl in possession of a fairly good figure, and of a certain age, is in want of a husband. HAHAHA!!! i once tried joshing mom by telling her i was lesbian, but i had to quickly tell her it was a joke, cos i swore she was getting tachycardia :D she wonders how i have guy friends but no boyfriend. hehe...

matrianklw said...

"Can't you tell her I'm still heartbroken from a previous love that died tragically from leukaemia?" - Now that's funny!

Your mom's pretty daring, I'd say! Hope everything turns out well with BBB's "matchmaking"! =P

hrugaar said...

If Barry questioned Woman? as you say, then I think he's not pretending la. :oP

Holden said...

I agree with Ru. He said that like it was a surprise. Hmmm...

Maybe you shud get him to pretend to be gay and then pretend-jump on him. Be sure to get your whip ready, hehehe.

famezgay said...

oh do ur mom offer gay matchmaking service as well? I need one seriously ahah!

Ban said...

I noticed that too. "Woman?"

Hmmm. Very suspicious.

nyonyapenang said...

give Fanny Flake a chance la. LOL

Sue said...

That could be interesting if he said that he was gay. You could see her reaction to his being gay and use it to guess her reaction if you told her that you were gay.

CR said...

I want to get on your mom's list, but I need her to set me up with eligible bachelors. Can she help me with that?

Mr.Brian/Mr.Fletcher said...

"Woman?"....hmmm...and who says he'd be pretending?

Jay said...

If the two of you make cow eyes at each other throughout the meal, you'd kill two birds with one stone.

Annie said...

*choke* ..*cough*...*cough*.. Um, Paul?... Dear?... Your mother DOES know you DO NOT prefer women, yes? ok.. excuse me, I think I need air.
*lightbulb*
I know, I can come to your house, meet your mother and tell her we're engaged! and then, she'll be happy and move on and take up knitting... then, we'll say we um.. broke up.. because OH! I'm already married! Like oops?

sharon said...

your mum is so cute le. :D

thompsonboy said...

Mums...you gotta love them. Such adorable creatures put on earth to make our lives for the better and the worst.

Dave said...

Tell your mum that you are in love with Big Bicep Barry and he likes you too. The next step: both of you decided to get married in England, and comes back to the Commonwealth country in S.E Asia with a piece of paper aka marriage certificate.

And all troubles will be solved. hehe.

William said...

Yeah, the whole conversation sounds very fishy.

She may be targeting your friends, but you're still the Grand Prize. Apa nak dikato...