In a couple of the seats, you'd probably find me pawing Jaunty Jared's pecs even as he valiantly tries to fend off my unwanted pseudo-advances ( while Charming Calvin gives us admonishing hushes to keep it down ). Still I did settle down enough for the movie - unlike some cooing courting couples behind us.
Paul : Would it be wrong if I threw popcorn at them?
Calvin : Don't embarass me. The movie's starting. Hush!
So I did.
Heh. Are those guys doing it?
Third time doesn't seem to be the charm though since it's quite obvious that the poor writers from Shrek must be running out of classic European fairytales to skewer. Doesn't mean it's not worth the watch ( since the familiar characters of the stinky ogre and his royal wife, Fiona have inevitably wormed their way into our hearts by now ) but most viewers would probably leave the cinema wishing that it had just a little more bibbidy bobbidy boo.
Bet they regretted zapping the Wicked Fairy Godmother into a puddle of goo early on espcially since poor Prince Charming makes a limp, lackluster villain - even with his glorious mane of shiny, bouncy blond locks. So it doesn't seem at all worth worrying about when our inept prince schemes to benefit from the Frog King's death ( does anyone else find it somewhat disturbing to poke fun over his prolonged death bed scene? ) by whipping up the fairytale villains into a revolutionary coup to take over the land of Far, Far Away - all this while Shrek is away searching for the next heir to the kingdom, a coltish cousin named Artie ( oddly reminiscent of Justin Timberlake ).
Bet even Doris, the transgender stepsister ( or the remarkably mannish stepsister as steadfastly claimed by some quarters ), on her lonesome could have defeated Charming easily ( and I'm sure he/she would have thoroughly enjoyed having the royal bastard on the bottom ).
The movie's one saving grace - and certainly an overlooked plotline that was begging to be expanded - is the fabulous Shrek's Angels. Seriously. When the reluctantly heroic fairytale princesses paying a visit to Fiona are inevitably dragged into the entire revolutionary process, it's to be expected that these pampered royals would all twiddle their thumbs waiting to be rescued. What else would Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella do after all?
With kick-ass efficiency the troop of gently bred ( though potty-mouthed ) princesses magically transform in Shrek-esque turn of events into a crack squad that would make even the jaded palace guards cower. From the alpha nature-lovin female Snow White ( raging wild with her animalistic war cry ) to the perpetually exhausted, narcoleptic Sleeping Beauty, these ladies ( including a fab transgender sista! ) are doin' it for themselves this time - and they certainly steal the show from the rest of the boys while trying to stop the attempted coup by Prince Charming.
A pity Doris didn't get her happily-ever-after though. Maybe it's really time for a gay fairy tale though I have a feeling since I'm far from any charming prince on a white charger, I'd be typecasted as the Wicked Witch.
Well, hell I could bespell Chris Evans into becoming my endlessly submissive sex slave.