Worship Me

For the lovelorn amongst us, desperately in lust with that boyish but thoroughly unavailable hunk next door and in crying need of that patron saint, you'd find almost none to support homoerotic love amongst the endless Christian pantheon - save for the obscure long-forgotten Sts Sergius and Bacchus. Look not to the much alluded and debated relationship between biblical hunks David and Jonathan. Even the deliciously posed St Sebastian remains persona non grata. Pretty obvious after two millenia where the religious Judeo-Christian machinery stands when it comes to such alternative mores.

The oft-quoted fall of Sodom and Gomorrah mean anything to ya? Me, I just think they were much maligned swinging sinners with a faulty drainage system.

But hey don't lose faith, my brothers, cause I've got something special for ya.

After all that's said and done, you gotta love the Chinese. Not only are the mainland Chinese pragmatic, industrious and dedicated to waving the ubiquitous little red book, they always manage to surprise with their sheer resourcefulness. Before the red Communists came about to wipe away all signs of petty, dividing religion - leaving only the almighty yuan for them to worship, the mainland Chinese actually worshipped an endless chopsuey of gods dedicated to almost everything they had in their daily lives. Heck, they even had a god for the kitchen.


Worshippers of the Homo-God?
So it should come as no surprise that there'd be a god specially entrusted with the care of the so-called cutsleeve boys. Or what they call the Rabbit God.

Seems that back in ye good old days of Imperial China, a certain Hu Tianbao 胡天保 fell madly in love with a certain dashingly good-looking Imperial Investigator, practically stalking the poor unwitting fellow even trailing into the restrooms to spy upon him ( seriously, haven't we all done exactly that? ). Unfortunately the Investigator didn't look kindly upon this act of vile debauchery and promptly clubbed him to the death in a fit of homophobic rage.

Obviously far more tolerant of such deviant practices, the kindly Officials of the Underworld understood that Hu's aberrant voyeurism only came out of unrequited love and elevated his position to a Rabbit God to govern mutual delight between men in the mortal world.

Coming as a pleasant surprise, this particular legend actually originates from my area of origin in China, the province of Fujian - shockingly enough a region especially noted for the widespread practice of male love. God, the things you find on Google. Perhaps my grandma might not be so astonished over my passionate peach-biting ways.

Seriously. See that gorgeous dark-eyed way-out-or-your-league hottie standing there alone nursing his vodka at the end of the crowded bar? Don't tear your dyed hair out in helpless despair. Just rush over to the nearest branch of the obscure Hu Tianbao cult, rub some pig intestines ( apologies, folks, it's totally non-halal so obviously not applicable for the kosher gang ) over the god's lips and pray hard that your testosterone-soaked wishes will soon be granted - and moments later you might just that aforementioned stud slamming ya hard against the nearest toilet stall door as you moan in ecstasy.

And you know there has to be a raging homo-god out there when you have this...


For more on homosexuality in China, check this out.