Friday, March 21, 2008

The Anti-Calvin

Don't worry - I'm not starting a Calvin-Hating Club with clandestine ceremonies at the witching hour gathering the masked members together to denigrate his manifold virtues, tear apart his hitherto spotless reputation and plan malicious ends for him.

Far from it.

You see, today I had a leisurely lunch with my friends and Zany Zinedine gave us prior warning that he'd be bringing someone new along. A fellow colleague and ex-classmate he actually termed a rabidly homophobic religious zealot ( from Zinedine's hush hush accounts anyway ) so you can imagine we all stared agog at the message he sent.

And then Zinedine then took pains to remind us all to remain on our best straight-acting behaviour.

Anti-Calvin
Beware the Anti-Calvin!

Seriously. The thought of bringing an aggressive red-necked homophobe to a collection of fags already boggles the mind. Might as well wave a red flag in front of a raging bull. Wasn't he afraid that we'd all turn into drunken Maenads, fall into a crazed, savage fest of violence and tear him into little pieces? Or worse, fall so desperately in lust with his virile flesh that we'd all collectively leap onto him like sex-starved godless degenerates - that he no doubt assumes all debauched gay men are?

So we waited for the coming of the Homophobe. Coincidentally we later found out that the man shares the exact same name as Charming Calvin so I started dubbing him the Anti-Calvin instead.

Have to admit I was a tad disappointed. Was half-expecting a drooling red-neck Bible-thumper with blood in his eye and a rusty axe in his hand to cull the earth of debauched devil-worshippers - when all I saw was a regular guy. Actually seemed nice enough even when Anti-Calvin came up for an introductory handshake. Now I couldn't very well hawk spit onto his hand, backhand him and stalk away, could I? After all I hadn't even seen any proof of his supposed prejudice.

Anti-Calvin : Hi.
Paul : I'm queer. I'm gay. I'm homosexual. I'm a poof, I'm a poofter, I'm a ponce. I'm a bumboy, battyboy, backside artist, bugger, I'm bent. I am that arsebandit. I lift those shirts. I'm a faggot-ass, fudge-packing, shit-stabbing uphill gardener. I dine at the downstairs restaurant, I dance at the other end of the ballroom. I'm Moses and the parting of the red cheeks. I fuck and am fucked. I suck and am sucked. I rim them and wank them, and every single man's had the fucking time of his life. And I am not a pervert.

Stuart Alan Jones would have been proud.

Of course I didn't manage to reproduce that particular monologue. Zinedine ( who was busy watching our reactions ) would probably have stabbed me dead with his dining fork. And despite the Chinese Exemption, I don't think Calvin would appreciate me going around forking shamelessly.

But what do you do when faced with homophobia?

There are some gay men who'd cower and hide behind their relentlessly straight persona, erasing that particular lisp in their voice while making sure their pinkies are all held in tight. Me, I suddenly had this uncontrollable urge to stick my tongue down Jaunty Jared's throat, run my feet up Lanky Lex's thigh and limp-wrist my way through the conversation peppering my sarcastic one-liners with repeated lashings of dahlings and fahbulous. Oh, and grab my pink fluffy feather boa.

Men lovin
Unashamedly gay.

I'm unaccountably peculiar that way :P Just that wicked self deep inside that feels that rules were meant to be broken. Doubt poor ( prudish ) Jared and Lex would have approved though.

No doubt Zinedine breathed a sigh of relief when I did none of those things. Since Anti-Calvin didn't say anything remotely discriminatory, I couldn't very well go on the offensive. Turns out finally that Lanky Lex was the one who so very innocently let the cat out of the bag.

Lex : Oh, so are you going over to {insert gay club here} tonight as usual?

If the Anti-Calvin had been obtuse enough to miss the flagrant fabulousness of Zinedine before ( though how could he! ), surely he wouldn't be able to miss something quite so obvious.

Then again, who knows, we might have unfairly misjudged the fella after all.

14 comments:

Grumpy Boi said...

HHhhmmmmm... hanging out with a homophobe.. its truly exciting! LOL.. scary in another way when all your frenz have their eyes on every move and words that come out of you.. a good experience though..

i have a lot of NON-homophobe fren.. sometimes they do help to defend for the homosexuals! there are a lot of times we did homosexual topics for our assignments.. one lecturer is a homophobe which he kinda say its disgusting.. so we gave him some nice 'lectures'.. after that, the issue did not arise again.. hehe...

erm.. just asking.. do i noe u? coz i noe a few doctors.. haha.. just counting you in to my list of doctors... :P

Jason said...

Zany always have all sorts of strange people around him :p

Deric said...

Homophobes, lovely. However, he probably still thinks you're straight since I doubt straight people are updated on gay club names.

Janvier said...

Hmph, not invite us and say we didn't show up?!

Quentin X said...

Crucify him! Crucify him!

Hazel said...

hi, first time here. u have a nice blog.

Queer Ranter said...

Oooo who be this homophobe? Me wanna see!

And yes, Zany does have quirky friends. :P

aaronng88 said...

haha~ i guess everyone is entitled to their beliefs, principles and way of life. Just cuz they dun see the world as we do doesn;t make them evil...

p/s: did u get better paul?

Alex said...

Thanks for defending me. Adik, see? If he can't accept you as gay, don't be bothered to friend with him. Full stop.

Sam said...

Actually, I did add in a slice of dear and darling when I was talking to Dan - so I'm wondering if the Anti-Calvin noticed. :P

__S.B__ said...

interesting blog

daohui said...

Well we can't live in a gay world all the time and it is inevitable to interact with straight people. If you are lucky, they will accept you but if they don't, we have to leave it at that. Cannot force them to accept us.

Emo-Happiness said...

People are afraid of what they don't know.
People wants to distiguish what is right and what is wrong..
But the heart doesn't...
It feels what it want to feel..

It feels.. the warmth of a guy in your arms..
It feels.. the passion of a guy in your heart..
It feels..

That's us..
To those homophobic people..
Give the heart a chance to do what it is meant to be..

that's being
EMOTIONEEL....

savante said...

Exciting you say. grumpy boi? I do have a few friends - straight friends - whoa re even more het up about the gay issue than I am!

Strange folks attract stranger folks, jason :P

Oh, I think he does know that much, deric.

Hey Hey, blame the rest, janvier.

Nah, too close to Easter Sunday for that, quentin. Wouldn't want him martyred.

Thanks, hazel.

You gotta call Zany for that, queer rant.

Slightly better, thanks aaron.

He's probably not that homophobic lah, alex.

Doubt he noticed. But I think he noticed the gay club comment.

Thanks, sb.

That's true, daohui and emotioneel!

paul