Haven't had a regular pet since the awful Goldfish Debacle of '92. Still I soldier on, taking on an entire jungle of houseplants rather than risk potential cruelty to an innocent animal. Wouldn't want to have the vengeful RSPCA knocking on my door with pitchforks.
Sit Ubu Sit. Good Dog.
Been inspired by Big Bicep Barry actually - who's taken to selling hyperactive hamsters along with the regular flip-flops at his Bargain Bin though I find it hard to make the connection. But I find hamsters are cute, cuddly creatures that don't look all that difficult to maintain after all. Loads of love and affection, a spoonful of feed, a sip of water and an exercise wheel. Strictly low maintenance, just the very type I need.
And easy enough for an indolent creature like Charming Calvin to pamper.
Of course that doesn't mean I didn't keep an eye out the other day when we all dropped by the petting zoo. Certainly a pet lovers paradise.
Found myself astonished by some of the things I saw. Imagine a cool thou just for a pedigreed schnauzer! Hell, I know it's been a pure-breed since the fucking Middle Ages - probably the star of the Elizabethan court even - but paying several thousands just for a dog? And that's not even counting the regular monthly maintenance - the canine chow, the swanky dog palace and the weekly dog salon treatments. Let's not forget the tacky Viva Las Vegas costumes.
Even a shirt that goes I Am Not A Plastic Dog. Anya Hindsmarch would not have been pleased.
And what's with all the creepy-crawlies - tarantulas, snakes, lizards and other critters. Seriously. Would you date a guy with such pets at home?
Boy #1 : God, you are so sexy.
Boy #2 : Oh yeah, kiss me.
Boy #1 : Wait a minute. What was that on my foot earlier? Feels cold and wet.
Boy #2 : Oh, it's my pet anaconda, Baby Betty. Here, say hello.
Boy #1 : OMG. Bloody hell, what's gotten in my hair?
Boy #2 : That's the tarantula I got from Mexico, Chico. And over there on your butt is my new baby scorpion, Lambada.
Cutting it just a lil too close for comfort, I'd say.
Freaked yet? Haven't even started talking about the terrifying mini-monster grizzly known as the gerboa! Big feet, leering tongue, long tail - come on, anyone else think it looks like a beastly gargoyle?