Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The Glass Menagerie

Surely it's a common (mis)conception that gay men actually replace an innate need for offspring with an entire menagerie of pets? Since Charming Calvin is taking quite a while getting ahold of a Beijing Baby, I've decided to consider a pet instead. No worries though! Swear I won't be the type to kiss / cuddle all the time, dress them in glitzy Elvis outfits and call them cutesy-poo names.

Haven't had a regular pet since the awful Goldfish Debacle of '92. Still I soldier on, taking on an entire jungle of houseplants rather than risk potential cruelty to an innocent animal. Wouldn't want to have the vengeful RSPCA knocking on my door with pitchforks.

Dawgs
Sit Ubu Sit. Good Dog.

Been inspired by Big Bicep Barry actually - who's taken to selling hyperactive hamsters along with the regular flip-flops at his Bargain Bin though I find it hard to make the connection. But I find hamsters are cute, cuddly creatures that don't look all that difficult to maintain after all. Loads of love and affection, a spoonful of feed, a sip of water and an exercise wheel. Strictly low maintenance, just the very type I need.

And easy enough for an indolent creature like Charming Calvin to pamper.

Of course that doesn't mean I didn't keep an eye out the other day when we all dropped by the petting zoo. Certainly a pet lovers paradise.

Found myself astonished by some of the things I saw. Imagine a cool thou just for a pedigreed schnauzer! Hell, I know it's been a pure-breed since the fucking Middle Ages - probably the star of the Elizabethan court even - but paying several thousands just for a dog? And that's not even counting the regular monthly maintenance - the canine chow, the swanky dog palace and the weekly dog salon treatments. Let's not forget the tacky Viva Las Vegas costumes.

Even a shirt that goes I Am Not A Plastic Dog. Anya Hindsmarch would not have been pleased.

And what's with all the creepy-crawlies - tarantulas, snakes, lizards and other critters. Seriously. Would you date a guy with such pets at home?

Boy #1 : God, you are so sexy.
Boy #2 : Oh yeah, kiss me.
Boy #1 : Wait a minute. What was that on my foot earlier? Feels cold and wet.
Boy #2 : Oh, it's my pet anaconda, Baby Betty. Here, say hello.
Boy #1 : OMG. Bloody hell, what's gotten in my hair?
Boy #2 : That's the tarantula I got from Mexico, Chico. And over there on your butt is my new baby scorpion, Lambada.

Cutting it just a lil too close for comfort, I'd say.

Freaked yet? Haven't even started talking about the terrifying mini-monster grizzly known as the gerboa! Big feet, leering tongue, long tail - come on, anyone else think it looks like a beastly gargoyle?

10 comments:

Lewis said...

You know, I had no idea until February 11 what the effect of a pet in the home would be. Seriously, it's my first dog as an adult. And, I must say, it has lended itself to some interesting emotions and ties. And I've got a friend with a giant boa constrictor as a pet. I can't see me dating him.

ikanbilis said...

owh animals.

my cat gave birth half way and i think she's not fully done..

if only VET comes cheap these days..

faggotry said...

I own a miniature schnauzer. Ok, fine, my parents do most of the owning. I just look at it and occasionally chase it around the house.

And The Boyfriend happens to be malay. So are most of the guys I've brought home. (Fatal fetish, don't ask)

The trouble involved in keeping the dog away from The Boyfriend (and sometimes vice versa) is ridiculously tiresome.

Imagine chasing the dog (sometimes The Boyfriend) around the house and putting a leash on it (sometimes The Boyfriend as well :D) every time he drops by.

Ugh.

Quentin X said...

Our house is a zoo; my hubby, the zoo keeper. On the last census, we had a mini-foxie, a mongrel cat, two guinea pigs, hundreds of fish in 10 huge tanks (includes one giant gourami about a foot long), about 10 budgies, four canaries, two rainbow lorikeets, about ten cockatiels, and eight chickens (all hens). The kids next door (the von Trapps) thinks we are the greatest neighbours. What most people do not know is I am down the pecking order.

Legolas said...

I would like to have a Shih Tzu.

Jason said...

Gerboa is from the same family as rabbit and mouse. Just that the legs are a bit... long and scary :p

Glog said...

Well, I think my dad loves to have pets but my mum is not willing to open a shelter for pets so he pathetically adopted my forsaken Tortoise (14 years and they still look freaky to me) and a new addition to the home... 4 bright, shinny fighting fish all in individual used hunny tubs... They don't poop around and dig up my mum's plants so yeah... they are allowed... Good option to as well ain't it???

Emo-Happiness said...

..
boy 1 # Ah!..Ah!!.. Oo.. Oo..
boy 1 # your a really great 'sucker!!'
..
boy 2 # I am in the kitchen. It seemed your Shih Tzu is licking your balls. . That fun ha?
...

Pets in the house.
YOur Choice.

Emo-Happiness said...

Bedstory..
Want to talk?
Add me in your msn.

jazzy_world@hotmail.com

Can I say Waiting for you?
you bet..
Yes.

savante said...

Whoa, it's only been a month, lewis! How has it been then?

Aiks. gave birth halfway, ikanbilis?

Hilarious, faggotry. Maybe you should consider cats then? :)

Good God. You are so right. Does that make you a permanent board member in the zoo, quentin?

No hairy beasts, leggy. No way I'm gonna sweep the fur.

Still looks monstrous, jason.

Fish and tortoises are easier, glog :)

True enough. Will see how it goes about thepets, emo-happiness.

Paul