Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Love Handles

If you'd been anywhere close to the vicinity of a Zara clothing store this evening, you'd have heard a deathly loud scream of intense horror before an ensuing thud of blissful unconsciousness - followed by the panicked sounds of a storewide commotion.

Time enough that I had a wardrobe change and the recent sales has given me some slight incentive. And although there's no way I'd ever find a formal occasion ( in our sultry weather! ) to wear a spiffy wool suit, that certainly doesn't stop me from trying them out for size. Unfortunately Father Time just had to throw a spanner into the works.

Not only am I approaching the big old 3-0, I also realized that something else is also increasing rapidly in double digits. Surely I didn't expect to remain a scrawny undernourished Twiggy waif forever but this evening I came to realize that I certainly wasn't going to fit into my secondary school pants any longer. Cholesterol-laden, obese couch potato genes run in the family but I was hoping that it would skip a generation at least but once I picked up the slim-fit khakis ( possibly made with superslim, near-anorexic studs like Justin Timberlake in mind ), I knew that I was rapidly losing the neverending Battle of the Bulge. No way was I gonna fit into that obscenely tight pair without either an abdominoplasty & radical gastric stapling or sucking in my breath so deep that I'd probably expire once I took a step out of the changing room.

Sucking it in caused the thud mentioned earlier.

Making a change

Hate to pander to the general notion that gay men are all gifted with a sublime though admittedly shallow obsession with their looks and I certainly have no dying ambition to develop that much-adored tight six-pack ( doubt I'd have the insane dedication to starve myself to a less than 5% fat content )... but hey, I'm a realist. I'd just like to squeeze into my old pants without a corset, maybe even a tight chest-revealing tee or two. :P Nothing too drastic like a radical surgical / mental / physical Swan makeover. Losing just a handful of kilogrammes would be more than enough to satisfy me.

Calorie-counting near-vegetarian Big Bicep Barry was right after all. Damn the sinfully oil-dripping fried chicken. Damn the delicious awesome blossom of onion rings. Damn rich high-calorie Haagen Dazs.

Sigh. I will miss them. From now on, it's alfalfa and bean sprouts. Anyone have any good diet plans? Does that mean I'll have to hit the dumbbells again?


connerkent said...

Does that mean I'll have to hit the dumbbells again?

Dude I am afraid so. ;)

It's like an addiction, first the defined pecs and then the love handles and then the abs... the list goes on!

... Alternatively you can choose to buy (larger) new pants. *GriNs*

Anonymous said...

I don't have a good diet plan. But if you just eat healthy and exercise you will be able to loose the weight in no time.

Good Luck!

Anonymous said...

Come come come ~ I need a diet and workout buddy - I can't run alone... I always chicken off to do other stuff because I just don't have the dedication. =P

darn ed said...

"I don't eat anything and then when I feel like I'm about to faint, I eat a cube of cheese." Sounds familiar ?


Goddess of the Earth said...

You could try living off water but being a doctor yourself I'm sure you know that isn't safe :P

The big 30 eh! my sister turned 30 a 2 months ago it's not so bad ;)*coughs says the 19 yr old coughs*

matrianklw said...

Gosh... I'm so much worse than everyone here! I am like the fattest gay guy ever! But I love food to much to actually starve myself from it. I tried this I'm-not-going-to-eat-till-I-get-anorexia diet once and it laste for about, half a day before I gobbled up my Double Cheeseburger! Oh, glorious food!

quicksilverlining said...

try this: cut to one third of whatever it is you're eating. doesn't matter WHAT it is. then walk around on your toes, but only just. kinda like walking around like normal, but don't let your heels touch the ground. force yourself into hyperactivity, kind of like bounding off rather than a slow plod. maintain this, and you'll definitely lose SOME weight, and get nicely defined legs too.

charm.calvin said...

Gasp! No more Haagen Dazs? No more Chili's?

*World crumbles down...*

Kiss My Mike said...

in some cases, a BULGE is desirable.

Jay said...

Actually, dumbbells will do nothing for your waistline.... unless you're holding pink padded ones while engaging in hi-impact Fonda-esque aerobics!

-sniff- It's about time you joined me on this side of the 'big old 3-0'.

Anonymous said...

Well, my husband tells me that I have no credibility giving diet advice since I am naturally thin, so you don't have to listen to me. I agree that portion control can help as well as eliminating some sugary & fattening treats, and introducing an exercise regimen into your daily lifestyle. I had to do this to some extent as I got older. Now, at 50, I am the same weight as I was at 20.

Annie said...

Bah! Enjoy now.. Diet AFTER you die, it's easier. You turn into ash and then you weigh even less. Unless you're staying away from the fried stuff for HEALTH reasons.. imagine that. LOL! There's always soy ice cream and soy cheese pizza. :D

thompsonboy said...

The Olsen Twins and Lohan Diet has proven to work - look at their pioneers, trully thinspiration. I am a firm (pun intended) believer of their teachings:

Thou shall party non stop
Thou shall do crack
Thou shall smoke 5 packs a day
Thou shall party again
Thou shall not eat


Las montaƱas said...

welcome to the age when your girth catches up with your age.

Love handles are almost impossible to get rid off.. A beer belly paunch would have been much easier!

Would like to hear some suggestions on the love handles.

jase said...

OMG! Zara has a sale now!??!? I am so taking the plane back to Malaysia now!!!

William said...

My future is love handles? Arrggghh...

Ban the Dim Sum.

Ban said...

Dumbbells are for biceps, not tummy. If you really wanna burn up calories around the ring, you need lots of invigorating, healthy and entertaining sessions of heavy duty tickle torture!

I'm sure Calvin would oblidge. :)

Ban said...

Wil: I'm not a Dim Sum!

Anonymous said...

Did Charming Calvin say no more Chilis!? NO MORE CHILIS!?

Aieeeeeeeeee!!! *runs amok*

ec said...

hi paul,

I am celebrating my birthday too....=)



as much as you hate it...hit the gym, for my sake!!!

savante said...

Damn, Connerkent, I think buying larger pants is an easier alternative :P

Sounds easy enough on paper, cr!

You don't need a diet, you loo super slim, sam.

Cheese cubes. Will do that, darn ed. If it worked for the fashionistas, it can work for me. Can I make that cube extra large?

Living off water doesn't work, goddess. Almost swooned like an 18th century debutante.

Nah, you're far from the fattest gay guy ever, matt :)

Walking on your toes sounds like an interesting idea, quicksilver. And hey, I'm always bounding around in hyperspeed.

Didn't say you couldn't eat that, calvin.

That's true, mike.

Will be joining you over on the dark side soon, jay :)

You lucky dame, sue! naturally thin!

Loe that advice, anniiieieie... and I definitely agree. But I love those pants!

The Olsen Twin diet. Hmmm... now I gotta go look for cigarettes, thompsonboy.

Will keep you updated then, las montanas.

Nah, no sale! Seems to be the only one without a sale, jase!

Yeah, no dim sum foir you william :)

Tickle torture, bunny? YEAKS!

Hey, ec, happy bday!

SHAH! Oh, the gym. YEAKS!