Monday, June 20, 2005

Fear of the future

We all present different faces to the people we know. The brilliant and scary neurologist at work turns into a subservient, quiet wife at home. The rough-and-tumble, foul-mouthed street tough changes into a kind, gentle brother at home. Those I know would describe me as independent, sarcastic, outspoken and gregarious ( if they don't describe me in far more unflattering terms :) ), the fun, somewhat interesting, quirky one in the family. But oddly enough I don't see myself that way. I always see myself as a lil shy, awkward, terribly tongue-tied with strangers ( especially tall, dark, handsome ones ) and... yes, terrified of change.

Believe it or not, I hate change. I like my life the way it is. I like waking up knowing what I'm gonna do for the rest of the day. Get up, go to work 9 to 5 ( well, sort of but my hours are way more erratic than that :) ), get dinner, get home to bed. It might be a fucking boring rut but dammit, it's my rut and I like it. Like the stereotypical science/medicine nerd, I like schedules, plans and order.

I hate uncalculated risks. I hate vague futures.

Staring into the future


And that's what I've gotten myself into. If you recall the course I found myself rejected for being just a tad too inexperienced... well I sent an appeal - and amazingly, especially with the twisted bureaucracy present in Malaysia, I have been selected. I have already neatly placed all thoughts of the course one year into the future and to have my plans suddenly overset has left me more than a little unsettled. Sure, I'm pleased as punch by the fact that I've gotten into the anaesthesiology course I've wanted for so long but now... I'm terrified. Can I do it? It has been so long since I really mugged like crazy so can I crack open the textbooks again?

Hell, just when I cut down on the caffeine. :)

7 comments:

savante said...

Worrying about something I have no control over is one of the things I do best. :)

My ISO's reply to all this is that I should get fucked against a wall to forget about all this. Great minds do think alike.

Paul

grave_creek said...

congrats babe!!! it seems that persistance pays after all!! i,myself ,am afraid of the future...who in his right mind isnt scared of moving into the unknown....it seems my greatest fear,when thinking bout the future, is ,what if i die alone ?? humph!!! such strange questions for a 19 year old...still,you never know what the future beholds...our lives could suddenly be turned upside down..or we could meet our soulmate and live a hapily married life!!! who knows!!

Sven said...

Worrying about something I have no control over is one of the things I do best. - Paul, you'r my mother!

Starting to look lika a routine but, I agree with ISO yet again, because there is no doubt in my mind that you won't do fine ;)

You are just going to cut back a bit on shopping, is all.. ;) (ain't I crule?)

Jay said...

In Malaysian, only smart Chinese boys get to become doctors. If you've made it this far, I - like everyone else here - am confident you'll do great on your new course.

Chill man. Go raid your medicine locker for a pill or something.

Joel said...

I am much the same way. When my wife left me I FOUGHT tooth and nail to save my marriage...not because I loved her so much as I was afraid of my live not being what had become the norm. I knew I was gay and had secretly imagined life without her in it for years but whent hat became a reality I freaked. But you know what...it was ALL for the best!

Me said...

and i fear dentist... argh!

savante said...

Sven, cutting back on shopping would kill me :) It's my sole reason for living.

Thanks for the support, guys. And I am reciting a mantra to myself all day long... Change is good... Change is good...

Still unconvinced.

Paul