Wednesday, July 02, 2008

The Revenge of Milady Borgia : House of Flying Forks

Like any wily chessplayer, Charming Calvin's mama has kept her motives inscrutable for a good long while - possibly leaving Calvin contented enough to erroneously believe that she has finally settled down into a seeming tolerance ( if not acceptance ) of his alternative lifestyle.

Me, I'm ever-watchful - especially when it comes to the quiet ones.

Lady Borgia : Pack my bags, ladies. We are going on a trip.

Wise decision it seems since Lady Borgia has finally made her opening move. A surprising attack motivated by sheer ennui.

Seriously displeased with the abominable taint left on her beloved hometown by the creepy perverted Homosexoils, Lady Borgia has decided to leave the accursed town of Sodom & Gomorrah - without looking back else she turn into a pillar of salt! At least that's what she claims. Though I half-suspect she's leaving due to a case of sheer boredom from a lack of worthy opponents.

However she can find no rest here in the great city as well. Sensing my wicked presence in this depraved urban sprawl through her reliable sources, Lucrezia Borgia has shrewdly planned her fiendish strike by inveigling herself in Calvin's coming travelogue instead.

For months now, there's been talk about travel but we haven't made any firm plans as yet - especially with our recently packed schedules. But it seems that Lady Borgia herself has pre-empted our plans by suggesting a tour of Bali with us. Not sure exactly what Calvin must have thought of that charmingly conceived plan but surely he must have blown a small aneurysm in his head.

Lady Borgia : Maybe I could accompany you on a holiday?
Calvin : Really?
Lady Borgia : And meet all your lovely friends. Was there a Paul you mentioned? I'm sure I'd love to meet him.
Calvin : I think I just suffered a stroke.

Masterful. That's what I call an effective check - though you'll have to agree I'm far from checkmated by her aggressive strike.

Calvin : She has made her move.
Paul : No worries. The queen will find that these little pawns have gambits of their own.

Little wonder Calvin found the trip back extremely uncomfortable. No doubt after that, he must have shuddered inwardly over the daunting news with horrible recurring nightmares replaying an explosive meet between his mother and me. Curious why though since I'm sure it'll be quite as civilized as afternoon tea and crumpets with the Queen herself.

Lady Borgia : Evening, Paul.
Paul : So glad. Come, join us.
Calvin : Don't fight. Please.
Jared and Lex : Maybe we should take our leave now.
Paul : Don't be silly. Of course we won't fight. Tea? More sugar?
Lady Borgia : Certainly wouldn't mind having some. Two lumps. Lovely weather we're having. Pity about the company.
Paul : Oh, don't be so quick to blame yourself. You have had such an embalming effect on this expedition. Oops, sorry, I meant calming quality.
Lady Borgia : I heard what you said. You deserve that I should stab you with this fork.
Paul : Please try it. Think you can raise that dessert fork after I've poisoned your tea? Two lumps you said?

Of course after that mutual exchange of pleasantries, there's the prerequisite spitting catfight with forks, knives and scones a-flying ( before my poison kicks in ) while Jaunty Jared - an ever helpful soul - tries to separate the snarling combatants. Calvin would no doubt be trying to catch the flying forks.

Calvin has quite the imagination.

Seriously. That's not how I play the game. Hardly going to allow matters to degenerate to such a bestial level. After all I don't deal in sloppy street brawls. Please. This is a civilized game and I kill my enemies with kindness. So much neater a stratagem with little need to get my hands dirty! Nor get myself accused of sexism / ageism for attacking the seemingly powerless queen as my counter-gambit. What an awfully lowering stigma that would be.

In truth, I'm sure we'd deal extremely - and make delightful travelling companions during the trip. Who knows, I might even bond with Lady Borgia over crazy bargains for wooden statues in Ubud. Maybe even get matching best bud tees.

But I'd prepare some of my special tea in the luggage just in case. The best players always come prepared.


William said...

You've gotta be kidding me...!

Grumpy Boi said...

O.o! you have changed your Heading... erm.. the pic.. lol.. i dont know what its called... nice... :P

So hows da plan of going to da Market Place ? :x

Sam said...

Yes... one wears the I'm with Homo T-shirt and the other: Motherf-cker. :P

asm@di said...

you know there won't be any shagging on the beach or holding hands while looking at sunset right?

you're very brave, and i salute you. also, good luck. you gonna need it.

p/s i shudder at the thought of a vacation with the bf's mother. heck, i even shudder at the thought of vacation with my own family!

closetalk said...

hehehe. fabulous episode. :)
i like de swashbuckling!

Superboy said...

Hehe. Paul you have quite an imagination. :D

Queer Ranter said...

Now where's that apple martini that Charming Calvin kept mentioning. :P

savante said...

Trust me, I was shocked myself, will.

Me bring you to Marketplace? Could I buy you a drink then, grumpy boi?

What a kewl idea. Will get those in Bali, sam!

Trust me, I shudder at the thought. But I figure we gotta meet sometime. What better place than abroad where no one knows us, asmadi.

Thanks, closetalk.

Hardly, superboy. In my imagination, you're in some highly unholy positions :)

Well that apple martini is purely copyrighted by Dan's mama, queer rant. Calvin's mum probably makes poisoned loh mai kai.