Sunday, June 01, 2008

The Relationship Ultimatum

Sometimes when I watch couples fight, I have a rotten - though unbidden - tendency to eavesdrop. Raucous public altercations in parking lots inevitably draw the eye - and the ears - though you try to resist the urge. Yes, call me a snoop if you wish but admit it, bet most of you guys do it too.

But when you have two guys almost coming to fisticuffs while yelling tearful endearments interspersed with angry accusations, you know you simply can't help but look.

Boys
Dammit I saw you cheat on me with that guy!

There is a shameless little voyeur in all of us that delights in that bit of schadenfreude - kinda like errant motorists who disregard moving traffic to stop and stare at horrific accidents ( while busy taking down numbers for their next lottery ). Easy enough to see how those tattle-tale tabloids with the misfortunes of the rich & famous can sell so well.

Some watch these unfolding calamities with a sense of dread hoping that it'll never occur in their lives. A futile attempt since I think most of us are prone to making just the same foolish mistakes. And to have others stare agog from the sidelines as we fall clumsily into the same trap.

Me, I even get to attend the painful aftermath - after one or the other ends up in the hospital with black bruises over their eyes. If not worse. Think multi-storey bungee jump without the rope cord. Makes for an interesting clerking that's for sure.

What I find most irksome ( and commonplace! ) though is the fact that overwrought lovers tend to toss out dramatic ultimatums like gauntlets in the fiery midst of battle.

Suicidal Gal : If you leave me, I'll end my life. I'll take a leap off this lover's balcony! I swear I will.

Of course the usual reply to such unprecedented hysteria would be an admonish, some cajolery and a heartfelt plea for her return to sanity. Usually delivered with a nervous stutter. Maybe an apology or two lest she end up a juicy red roadkill splat on the unforgiving stone sidewalk below.

Fortunate though that she doesn't have a beau with a nasty practical bent like me. Else she would have received a far different answer - especially since I simply can't abide ultimatums.

Suicidal Gal : If you leave me, I'll end my life. I'll take a leap off this lover's balcony! I swear I will.
Paul : Let me move my car first.
Suicidal Gal : My death will be on your conscience!
Paul : Will you just go ahead and jump?

Merciless, I know.

16 comments:

Bengbeng said...

so impractical.. next time ask the partner to transfer all material assets to yr name first. then only jump. so drama :) the scenario u paint hahahahahahhaha

n then give yrself time to remove yrself from the premises n be seen with people who will remember u so as u will have an alibi hahahahaahah.

Jared said...

next time ajak la gua... aku bawa kamera, biskut dan teh sekali...

:P

Darren said...

Now now why would 2 guys fight emotionally? Curious curious curious.

Hish said...

Everyone is a closet voyeur. Some, like myself, are just in the glass closet; it's pretty obvious that we're trying hard to be nonchalant but and are absolute failures at it.

Ban said...

Heh. How about "Sorry, but I don't want to stay with someone who tries to blackmail me."

deeperanddeeper said...

jesse mccartney is so cute. But I always thought he looked like Courtney Thorne-Smith.... without the long hair, of course.

Kit said...

i'm kinda ashamed to say it but i've done the loud public fights before. yes, when emotions get the better of you, you lose regard for shame. eeek. i suppose that's why i too listen in on other people fighting and quietly thank god that it's not me.

oh is that why we slow down to see car accidents and watch people fighting on the streets? cos we are glad that it's someone else's problem? hmmm

Kenneth said...

Oh dear Paul -

You can really crack a guy up. I couldn't stop laughing remembering all those public arguments I used to witness and your little cracks.

*Let me move my car first*

priceless.

o.O

Ha ha ha ... good one! Keep it up!

Jason said...

This is so you :p

But yes, I can't stand it when someone says wanna suicide because of love. Such idiot among the stupidest.

Queer Ranter said...

I'd say the same too.

Or.

You jump, I watch. :)

RPMnut said...

My response to the jumper :

Me : Before you jump, sign this
Jumper : What's this?
Me : Power of Attorney to take charge over all your worldly possessions.
Jumper : WHAT?
Me : Oh please. Just sign the damned thing and get it over with, will ya?

She can thereafter jump all she wants.

After I move my car, that is...

paul said...

Awesome. Yeah, there's always that delicious little hint that's dropped along with "I don't love you anymore!" isn't there?

And love the song. Guy's pretty cute and the girl's pretty darn ugly. Well, not quite my taste. Thanks for your constant comments on my blog, though. +)

Lewis said...

I love to listen, and pretend like I'm not! Except when I'm in someone's home...and they are arguing. I don't like that at all. Or in the car with them...or traveling on a trip with them.... And I'm thankful that I rarely argue with my hubby....as long as he does whatever I ask of him, there will be no argument!

savante said...

Will keep that in mind, beng beng :)

Fuyooh, jared. Bawa biskut dan teh sekali! Might as well bring picnic basket.

They were quite obviously gay, darren :)

Glad to know I'm not the only one, hish.

But that wouldn't be funny, ban!

Aiks! Now I have this image of Courtney superimposed on a hot young body, deeper!

Schdenfreude at work, kit!

Well it would be impossible to get bloodstains off the car, kenneth! And imagine the dents!

Totally agree, jason.

And that's if we're not helping to push, queer rant!

Ah, the attorney speaking. Good idea, rpm.

Write more, paul.

Being trapped with a quarrelling couple in a car would be hell, lewis!

paul

Anonymous said...

I thought I'd check out some of your stories and they sounded very interesting. I was saddened when the links to the stories failed to work. Almost all of them lead to the message, "Page not found." Did you take the stories down?

David the Man said...

Hey, that last bits of conversation between "you" and the "Suicidal Girl" in your blog makes me laugh out loud, indeed! hahaha!!! Would you actually say that to someone suicidal? I mean, seriously?