Sunday, June 08, 2008

Kung Fu Fighting


"Hey, stranger. Why don't you eat my knuckles instead?"

There is a hush as the other patrons in the restaurant huddle away.

Good grief. Here we go again. I take another bite of the wonton and signal to the sneering lout to wait. "A moment."

Another ignorant village bully flexing his muscle to pick on the itinerant wanderer. I blithely wonder whether his fingers of his eyeballs would taste better with my wonton soup. No doubt his spilt blood would ruin the taste.

Laying down my chopsticks, I sigh almost inaudibly. The bully tenses, the tattoo of a tiger on his biceps rippling along.

Then I strike. I think his neural synapses barely register my Dragon Claw Strike before the lout is flying across the room to smash senseless against the empty tables at the back. The Deadly Scorpion Sting takes care of the rest of his brutish henchmen.

There's barely time for my soup to cool but I just stare silently at the carnage. Damn. Hope I'm not going to have to pay for the damage.

Obviously I'm not the only one with such dreams since even overweight pandas have such high-flying kungfu dreams!

Just ask Po in Kungfu Panda. Not everyone's as impressed with the easygoing panda's high-faluting ambitions though. His practical noodle-maker extraodinaire dad for one. Nor the other cynical villagers in the Valley of Peace who only sneer at his pie-in-the-sky dreams. And certainly not the likes of the Viper, the Mantis, the Monkey, the Crane, the Tigress otherwise known as the Furious Five.

Of course, Kungfu Panda plays homage to every martial arts movie out there where the hapless bullied underdog finally wins the day through sheer luck, mystical asian know-how and ten minutes worth of kung fu lessons. With the prerequisite wise master teaching ignorant student bit. Or otherwise known as How to Become an Unbeatable Kungfu Master in 10 Days.

Take that
Imagine the mayhem I could wreak!!

Wish I had that particular esoteric handbook. Would be really great to dropkick the mindless fellas who irritate me.

Idiot : Sir, you have to fill up this blue form and the pink form. Then you have to hand the blue form in to the department of mumbo jumbo to get the purple form. Then after that you have to take the pink form and go to the department of rubbish to get it signed. And then you have to -
Paul : Fuck this mindless bureaucracy. Take my Dragon Claw Fist of Death!
Idiot : Ack!
Paul : And that's your liver. Get that signed!

Have a sinking feeling that I'd turn into a kungfu villain though. Being a good guy - ekeing out a living, dressing in tattered hand-me-downs and travelling aimlessly around ( don't they have a regular place to stay? ) to save innocent lives?

Not for me. Usually empathize with the bad boys - even the macho snow leopard Tai Lung beating his chest in this movie. I'd be East Venom for sure. After all, I prefer the high life. And I doubt being all noble will achieve anything other than abject poverty. Probably do the usual villainous stuff - raze some villages, steal some loot and possibly ravish a hunky farmer or three.

Anyway... hell I can already do the wicked laugh really well.


8 comments:

oscar said...

Wow Angry, Mad much? ;-)

Perky said...

I haven't watched the Kung Fu Panda movie yet as it was school holidays & I didn't want to use Dragon Claws and Piercing Cock Stare move on the young ones.

The conversation with Idiot got me laughing shitless though ;)

Jaded_Jeremy said...

I love the movie! Cracks me up.

Alex said...

Funny movie... like it! They should put more emphasis to the Furious Five....

savante said...

Am I? Well with paperwork and bureaucracy, yes, oscar!

Cockstare, perky? Hope no kids are reading this :P

It was hilarious, jeremy.

I know! I wanted to see more of Viper and her crush on Po, alex.

Paul

Darren said...

Just watched it. Agreed! Totally hilarious, love him!

William said...

Give me Pai Mei!

Anonymous said...

LOL...pai mei rock! funny sial
this is my first blog reading session and i like it
way to go paul :)

aj