Cousin Knows Best

Once in a while, you'll have the familiar old tale rehashed - the troubled teen gets exiled to a foreign place only to find kind but firm guidance under the care of a supportive adoptive family. Just the sort of sweet heart-warming tale you'd expect Hallmark to expouse.

Dan from Little Men anyone? Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights? Perhaps the Fresh Prince of Bel Air? Or something even more current, the OC?

I've always wondered where they got such abominable crock from since I doubt any rebel without a cause would fall into line that easily without breaking a rule or three. The black sheep listening obediently - with nary a protesting squeak - to his adoptive father's gentle, well-meaning advice? Father Knows Best? Seriously, I'd expect the brooding fella ( aren't they always brooding grim? ) to punch out the patronizing old guy before toeing the line.

And if their own family couldn't control their unruly behaviour, how could they expect someone else to perform that miracle? Doubt anything less than daily spankings ( and not in a kinky manner ) and endless brainwashing would achieve that particular goal.

Seems I spoke too soon. You see, not all my cousins are perfectionistas who march straight into the professional careers of doctors, lawyers and engineers.


Won't you take me home, sir?
There's always the occasional black sheep. Back up north, I have a juvenile delinquent of a cousin who frequently plays truant to patronize gambling halls ( disguised as cybercafes ). Any surprise that his scholastic results scrape the bottom of the barrel? Maybe you've seen him. Goes by the name of Richie Runt. Lil unprepossessing midget of a runt with a big snarky mouth - that I wouldn't be surprised had gotten him more than a few black eyes from the schoolyard bullies. Probably a dunking in the toilet too.

But I'm not laying the blame entirely on the gap-toothed tween.

Obviously eager to be rid of her parental responsibilities, his flighty new-age mama suggested that Richie come over to stay with us. Me and my brother. Though she said it in a half-joking manner, I could see the truth in her possibly inebriated eyes - and found myself simply shell-shocked. Made it sound like an everyday thing to have a child just handed over to the care of someone else.

Though I am starting to agree that she might be an unfit mother.

Flighty Mama : Oh, Richie should be transferred here. I'm sure you both would be great examples for him to follow.
Paul : You've gotta be kidding me.
Flighty Mama : Well maybe. But it's a good idea, right? He certainly wouldn't run into trouble with you watching over him.
Paul : You seriously think he's gonna bother a whit about what his two staid older cousins say? He's gonna tell us to fuck off.

Of course my serious-minded brother - always in the testosterzone - would have walloped Richie if the runt had dared sass him that way. Me, I'm a gentler soul and I don't hit. But I'd torture in slow devious manipulative ways.

Now wouldn't that be a tale made for the movies? Paul In Charge? The Manny Diaries? Hopeful writers would have you believe that the orphaned runt would blossom into a studious, respectable gentleman all in the space of one eventful season ready for the ball ( shades of My Fair Lady? ) at the grand finale! In truth, we'd probably be yelling ourselves hoarse trying to get Richie Runt to behave while spending the weekends bailing him out from juvie.

Of course this story would be different if the poor scruff looked like Benjamin McKenzie ( or even my hot Australian cousin ). I'd be helluva more accomodating that's for sure :P