Sunday, January 08, 2006

No karaoke please

Although we have all heard that the Apocalypse will come sometime in the future, I am here to tell you that it has actually arrived and it's already here, hiding not so silently in the midst of all of us unwitting fools going about our daily business.

Yummy Chris Evans!
What do you want me to do?! But... but that's illegal!

Just this morning I was having sweaty obscene dreams of Chris Evans ( doing something anatomically impossible and possibly illegal but surely delightful to imagine ) when I was unpleasantly awakened at an unreasonable hour by an otherworldly caterwauling that must have signaled the end of the world as we know it - a terrible din not heard ever since thousands of cackling chickens were summarily strangled in tandem during the bird flu. It was the high-pitched screech/whine of a failing Madonna wannabe who was preaching to the world about trying to get all hung up.

I was all for hanging her up from the nearest street lamp pole, hopefully with the mike stuffed down her throat.

Don't get me wrong. From my unhealthy ( and bank-breaking ) obsession with music, it's pretty obvious that I love to sing but I tend to confine my inferior talents within the walls of my shower - and even then I doubt I could reach the ear-splitting Mariah Carey decibels that she did. Since I have far too many issues with self esteem flying all over the place, sticking a microphone under my nose is one simple way to have me running for the hills so obviously karaoke is a major no-no in my book.

Although I was aghast at that time - and I was all prepared to throw myself bodily to stop him from making an imprudent vocal judgement, Big Bicep Barry has shown that he can reasonably carry a tune - which precludes him from being barred from the mike. To my horror, the man claims to be quite the karaoke junkie but so far, I have meticulously avoided any mention of visiting such joints.

The proliferation of karaoke machines and bars frequently baffle me. Surely some of the patrons do know how absolutely horrible they sound to the rest of the world. If you have the voice - and some modicum of God-given talent, I will gladly applaud if you were to serenade me in the morning. Hell, I'd send over a basket of congratulatory muffins. By all means, sing if you can.

But for the rest of us untalented plebeians, please stick to the safety of the sound-proofed showers.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dammit, why do I never get good dreams like that?

It would appear that singing badly is considered half the fun of Karaoke ... and by those who listen, at that! I can think of better ways to humiliate myself, so I avoid the Karaoke machine every bit as much as the dancefloor.

savante said...

Oddly enough, when I have some sort of mild fever, I tend to have the most excellent sweaty dreams.

paul

Alex said...

Karaoke is the devil's invention. Nobody can stop anyone from singing, but torturing others is certainly against UN Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

Great dreams ahead!

Legolas said...

Come on, we just wanna have fun! As long as I secure my share of mic usage, I just shout into it and whether it sounds good or not, I don't know! Hah!

I'll serenade nicely if you're the one. ;-p

Anonymous said...

i can empathize with u completely paul. but unlike u who woke up to ungodly interpretations of the material girl, i on the other hand was kept awake (and marred for life, im sure) buy drunk men singing "can't get u out of my head" by the aussie diva. they wer obviously TOO drunk... que horror!!!

TK said...

Hi Paul! (I found your blog at Shigeki's)

How horrific to be awakened by that racket. And from a Chris Evans dream... I want to hear more about that.

And when you mentioned 'Hung Up,' I immediately thought of the Mischievious Boys lip-synching to Madonna's song. Much more entertaining than karaoke. Especially when they take their shirts off.

Kevin

Just Me said...

it is also allowed to sing in your car with the windows up so the people next to you can't hear you :)

Jay said...

It took me SIXTEEN years to accept that I am utterly and completely tone deaf. Good thing I'm really good at other things.

Anonymous said...

Legolas - you won a competition prize for singing at school, right? So I guess your singing shouldn't be too bad.

ça va pas la tête said...

Oh I am sure we all can perform well with or without the karaoke set.

Anonymous said...

Dont you wish that it should be Chris Evans that actually sing that song. At least by that you should be able to have him for real instead in the dream...

Does not matter how bad is his singing, he will be forgiven for that...hehe..n I believe you will forgive him immediately. :)

Anonymous said...

I used to be totally tone deaf, until I started playing in the band. But I think I have improved greatly on my singing skills :)

Brian has improved as well, no offense to him, but he used to be really scratchy, but has dramatically improved!!

I love to sing....anytime!

Anonymous said...

baaaah! i loooove to sing. me and my best frnd sang Dancing Queen at a karaoke bar one time. lol. he was soooooooooo embarassed. and we were soooooooooooo baaaaaaaaad! ;-)

Anonymous said...

you were awakened by caterwauling? lol.

Anonymous said...

i also have very good dreams about hot men as well...hehehehhe can i dream of you Paul ?

savante said...

Well, alex, I wouldn't have tortured her all that long. I would have done the deed fast and mercifully.

Come serenade me, leggy :) You won a contest!?

designdoctor, a bunch of guys singing Kylie.. damn, that's so gay! :)

t.kevin.. an explanation of some of my more salacious dreams would make this blog totally unfit for children below 18 :)

You're right, cr. I forgot about singing in the car!

Jay, sixteen years? What happened during the rest of the missing years?

ca va, if you can perform well without karaoke... then it's reasonably safe to assume that you'll sound fab with the set.

pakcik, Chris Evans can sing kumbaya and make it sound sexy :)

Jamie, why isn't Brian in the band? ;)

Your best friend sings Dancing Queen, closetalk? He has to be gay, right!?

You can certainly dream of me, chas.. but you sure you want my hideous homely face haunting you?

Paul