Saturday, January 14, 2006

The Dark Side

All of us have our dark sides. Especially me. Perhaps in a past life I was a manipulative Roman matron scheming and plotting my way to power. I might even have been a Venetian noble planning the death of a promising rival.You all would love to see my evil side at work - and surprisingly it showed itself this evening at a convivial dinner.

Just three days ago, Big Bicep Barry asked for my help with one of his friends. Certainly not the first time I'd gotten medical referrals from a friend - and certainly not the last. :) Seems that the poor unfortunate had developed a skin reaction to a certain make up substance she was using. Although I'm no budding dermatologist and my knowledge of skin ailments are only based on vague memories of some long forgotten class in medical school, I managed to prescribe a proper salve that seemed to work. The girl hereby christened Bountiful Betty, was more than overjoyed that she hadn't turned into a disfigured monster of legend and despite my protests, only too glad to buy me dinner.

Still a free meal is always welcome for a starving, impoverished physician - and even more welcome when it comes as an invitation from the elusive Barry. However, the oblivious man certainly didn't give me time to prepare myself for Bountiful Betty.

When I saw him escort her into the restaurant, I was tempted to smack him aside his head for not giving me prior warning. Surely they were made for each other, an asian Barbie and Ken - now known as Betty and Barry - and I was this close to twisting their pretty toy heads off. The murderous intent showed clearly in my eyes - and the poor guy, no doubt reading my intent, stepped in front of Betty to save her from a thorough catwhipping. As close as I was to handing her torn off head to Barry on a silver platter ( hell I could take her! ), I knew I wouldn't be able to wrestle a musclebound Barry successfully so I refrained.

Hmm... naked wrestling. This needs a moment.

Of course dinner though went beautifully. I'm no uncouth savage - I can be as suave and personable as the next Don Juan if need be. After all, keep your friends close - but your enemies closer. :) Bountiful Betty couldn't be more charmed by the delightful doctor as her entire life story was revealed through a series of probing questions worthy of the Spanish Inquisition.

The whole time, Barry watched me closely, no doubt expecting me to leap over with a ferocious roar to bite her head off since it was obvious that he wasn't fooled by my seemingly harmless good nature. He should have been watching my knife instead since I was this close to butchering her in a gruesome bloodbath drenching the rest of the horrified restaurant patrons ( and a stunned Barry still reeling from the spatter with a slow drip of blood oozing down his forehead ) while laughing maniacally and then slicing her into small bite size pieces to forcefeed Barry. I'm kind and he needs to eat more meat.

Hellbent!
Psycho Paul's coming after me next!

Cooking up numerous fatal eventualities for the poor innocent took up a significant part of my time as I delighted in her slow but terribly painful demise. There was a particularly wicked punishment that involved racks, electricity and... hell, I should stop talking about this since it makes me sound more than a little borderline psychotic. The one thing that stopped me from dreaming up even more delicious torture techniques was an unprovoked late night mesage from Barry. Terribly short but succinct.

Barry : She's only a friend.

I was partly mollified - and yet horrified that I'd given in to my baser instincts.

So evil enough for you?

.....


Just a short note totally unrelated to the maleficence above. I'm sending this post through some wireless network in a prominent coffee chain store. Surely another triumph for a technohimbo. Does the information just fly magically through the air into my computer? :O Isn't technology simply amazing? Soon they'll be sending virtual hunky boyfriends to me! :)

20 comments:

MrBunnyBan said...

Funny as hell. Funnier still considering that Barry saw right through you from the get go. ;-)
Also confirms that Barry knows you want him, but then we already knew that.

I'm sure she was charmed... but eventually she may have noticed the tension in the air if she wasn't a total bimbo. Most girls are attune to this sorta thing.

MrBunnyBan said...

...waiiiit. *Bountiful*?

...

savante said...

Yes, Bountiful. I meant it.

Of course, Barry knows I have some hots for him. No one could possibly be that dense but it's okay if he goes for the bountiful type. :)

Paul

Anonymous said...

God. You BUNNY BOILER.

Anonymous said...

This is reflective of a TV addict! No.. not evil but imaginative. Ever considering changing careers?? :-)
Re write the script and Barry could be yours as well! The naked wrestling could be the carrot!

I have yet to read the Bedtime Stories website...so that's next on my list of things to do over the next couple of days.

Anonymous said...

That was so sweet of Barry to realize that you would be interested in his relationship with Betty. Awwwwww.

Anonymous said...

being borderline psychotic myself (i have had many a moment), i can totally imagine what must have been going thru ur head with betty, like a black widow sharpening her fangs for what looks like a very satisfying meal :) how absoultely delightful!! BBB must have thought "what have i done!?" (malevolent laughter echoing in the background)

Jay said...

Hokay, that was a biiiit scary. Hell hath no fury like a homo faced with female competition! Tell me, does any of that rage ever leak into your workday? I'd like to know which hospital to avoid!

And his impromptu message is an excellent sign! That means he wasn't trying to use her to fend you off!

ash said...

whoa... there's nothing like a straight-gay comepetition for the same man. Any of those tends to be blown out of proportion of a bitch fight extravaganza. DRAMA DRAMA DRRRAAAMMMMAAAAAA!!!!!!

hrugaar said...

Bountiful in what way? Generous wih her 'attentions', or brimming out of her bra like a cornucopia? ;o)

Yes it was sweet of Barry to notice and text you afterward ... unless it was Barbie, um, Betty who tipped him off about the psychotic vibes and suggested he do something about it.

Maybe you should just text BBB back and tell him: Then fuck me or fuck off.

You could plead diminished responsibility afterward. :o)

Alex said...

Oh my.... jealousy of potential female competition... very familiar. Violence is not the answer... on the hand, it might work. If I read on newspapers headlines that a Doc kills some girl, then I know who... hahahaha

Squido said...

The Doctor VS the Betty!

Maybe you should give her some cream that will make her grow pimples or something then claim that it's allergic reaction!

Oh wait... that will revoke your doctor's permit. Ah well, just stab her with the butter knife or something =/

Musang said...

barry barry don't want you to hurt her...

this mean barry barry wants you too.

barry barry wasn't so sure.

paulie paulie need to give more hints to barry barry.

barry barry might be from one of those kind. the kind that not sure a fuck/relationship from a guy is considered a fuck/relationship too.

only much better...

Anonymous said...

Agree with Jay! BBB noted jealousy, BBB sends assurance. Good sign, no?

savante said...

James, bunny boiler :O

Ian, you brought up naked wrestling again - so I need a moment of contemplation. But I do have a wild imagination...

Doubt it was sweet, sue. I think it was selfpreservation just in case my psychosis looks for a new victim.

designdoctor, I simply can't imagine what was going thru Barry's head. Poor guy. He didn't know where to look.

jay, the craziness doesn't leak into the workplace so you can rest safe. Usually try to release all my stress through regular bitching sessions with my colleagues.

Real drama, ash! Wish I wasn't in a supporting role though but it's so cool playing the villain.

Bountiful, ru, as in her bra couldn't contain her happiness. :) But fuck me or fuck off. Damn, I love that line.

I'm a pacifist, Alex, and violence isn't the answer. But it's sure fun thinking of it.

Well, squido, I was holding the steak knife :)

Paulie paulie has given out enough hints that a blind, deaf man would get it :) Any more and Barry would have to get a restraining order - or a leash.

weeshiong, he probably was trying to protect lives :) Didn't want my malignant psychosis to reach out and strangle Betty in her sleep/

Paul

Paul

AJ said...

He has given you so many vibes & signals... go for it!

Anonymous said...

Nice...what a drama to conclude something that all of us already knew..can we have a continuation from the drama...dying to know what is going to happen next...

I believe Barry got what he want from you by bringing Betty into the picture. That you burst into the flame of jealousy. Maybe that is what he wants, to confirm that you indeed n totally devoted to him...

Ha.ha...just go n ask him to fuck you la...it will definitely make you feel better..physically n mentally.

or...err..hmm...maybe he want you to fuck him instead n waiting for your invitation...how suprise that can be ;)

I have to love that Betty girl.

ça va pas la tête said...

Paul,

I take this a a clear sign that Barry is not into Betty but you.

hcpen said...

I agree with everyone, after some time of reading your posts regarding BBB, he is DEFINITELY gay... i mean why would a straight guy need to reassure another guy that he is 'only friends' with an obviously beautiful girl?? He is at the very least aware of ur feelings for him, that much is clear.

savante said...

aj and ca va, we'll see how it goes. Still wish gay men were born with signs on their foreheads proclaiming their status though.

pakcik, you mean go up to him and say fuck me or fuck off? :)

hcpen, of course he is aware!

Paul