Sunday, December 14, 2008

Close to a Madding Crowd

Family seems to be getting in the way lately with long-lost cousins bugging me on a daily basis. Forget what I sad about Richie Runt being the black sheep of my family. There are much worse relations on the other side.

This time it's from my maternal cousins farther afield from the more scandalous side of the family. Obviously life is a cheek-slapping, hair-pulling Thai soap opera for these folks.

With me playing the role of the recurring cold-eyed bitch with sarcasm dripping from every word. What other part could I play especially when faced with cousins I've dubbed the spineless samaritan and the snake-oil salesman.

Seriously I could start with an entire ranting recital of their manifold wrongs but let's start with the worst. At least in my honest opinion.

Flashback sequence. Forced to fly back up north several years back, I was left standing aghast at their father's deathbed stuck with a humongous medical bill that I had to pay for - while the two above slipped unobtrusively to the hallway. And then the ungrateful duo had the cheek to send gaudy bouquets to their father's funeral while I stood there greeting the wellwishers. Just as if I was the chief mourner.

Bitchslap
Pay for your fathers fucking bill dammit!

And when the will was read, they dared to even bargain with me on the payment. Can give discounts ah? You can imagine the nasty expletives that came swiftly to my tongue.

WTF.

I'm far from the most filial son but at least I try. Don't the Asians have a timeworn legend about the sons selling themselves into slavery to fund the funeral? I would have some naughty salacious dreams about it but the thought of my slimy cousins spoil the image.

Honestly if Charming Calvin had thought I was spitting-nails-furious during the aftermath, he should have seen me at the conception of this entire sordid affair. If looks could kill, there would have been two charred ( and yet familiar ) silhouettes left on the hospital walls the minute I received the bill. One cousin far too spineless to stand while the other slick enough to have any insults roll right off his oily back.

And now my mother's ( who's obviously a tad more forgiving! ) thinking of sending them a care package since she's going up north. Obviously food's scarce up there.

Insert sarcastic eyeroll here.

Mother : Maybe we should buy them some bird's nest.
Paul : Only if I get to boil them together in it.
Mother : Maybe some chocolates.
Paul : Any melamine in there? Get it large enough that they can choke on it.
Mother : Juk juk. Forgive and forget. How about a batik shirt?
Paul : Sure I'll donate batik for their funeral shrouds.
Mother : And they might be around for Christmas.
Paul : Can I hang them on the tree?

Yes, I'm nasty. But let's take notes here, shall we? Scorpios never forget.

10 comments:

AJ v2 said...

OMG!!

u have to get back ur fabulous pink dollars from that cousins of urs!!

or u could just invite them to a tea party and poison them ;P

Reszurrecdito M. d'Saintner said...

You naughty doctor! You want them to die ar, by putting so much melamine into the bird nest soup? Oh don't do that if you dislike someone. That brings me to the thought of a disgruntled patient whose "cancerous" sex organs were wrongly removed and she started to revenge by killing all the doctors and specialists according to their medical specialty. For example, an anaesthetists was being injected with an overdose of 4mg per kg of succinylcholine, a muscle relaxant, which killed him slowly.

Spin Doctor said...

I think your actions are ethical and seem as a norm paul. I have the same feelings towards people who are close such as above. Oh well, i guess not all can be pleased vice versa.

Neways, ive been updating ohkayz! Just in a different hole.

Le&Co

.:: Ant ::. said...

Behind all those rants, you are just a sweet soul. And I'm sure mommy dearest appreciated your good gesture. ^_^

Le&Co..... nice to discover ur new hole! :)

+Ant+

Fable Frog said...

doctor evil! but then again, they have cross the line and gone too far~ juk juk juk

^^WiLLY LaM^^ said...

LOL Doc, your posts are hillarious! my wound hurt when i laughed after reading your sarcastic eyeroll :P

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__S.B__ said...

dont hide your slef, you are who you are

relax and have fun

merry christmas and safe newyear

Twilight Man said...

Hey I started to notice that you are so bitchy mouthed like me with fullest throttled sarcasm. I pass my crown to you... Heh heh.... I am an auto- terrorist in my family when provoked.

nase said...

true, scorpios don't forget though there's a slim chance they may forgive as well, lol.