Fading Twilight

There's no such thing as the perfect prince charming - that exists solely in fairy tales - so it's pretty much a futile mission searching hills and vales for him. Unfortunately despite the scarcity of princes, evil rat-bastards abound away from the pages of the bedtime stories.

And yet the swooning princesses still find themselves hopelessly charmed.

Just imagine this fella Edward Cullen.

So parchment-white that doctors would be dying to transfuse at least four pints of blood into him. So sadly gauche that he broods about with lingering looks in school while dressed in equally drab blue-black shades. So hopelessly uncharming ( despite being undead for almost a century already! ) that he tells the girl he loves that she's like his personal brand of heroin. So sadly lame that he takes her on a date up a pine tree, crawling up like a gibberish monkey - and that's after careering dangerously on slippery roads in his tiny sportscar. So terrifyingly stalkerish that he watches the girl as she drools in her sleep.

Like eeew.

Seriously. Would you even consider dating him? Trust me, a guy like that wouldn't even make it on my shortlist.


Edward? Eeew.
I'd rather go for his blond dad ( preppy hunk immediately to the right ).
And yet Bella Swan falls for Edward Cullen. Seems like not only giggly half-brained sophomores like Bella fall for the featured vamp in the latest book-turned-movie Twilight, even my serious-minded Lushes do as well. Supposedly - or at least as Shameless Shalom creditably tells me - girls like to be swept off their feet by undead fellas.

Or at least dragged up a giant pine tree in the Washington forest.

Me, I think he's just as wooden as the trees.

If you haven't heard, the bestselling novel Twilight tells the story of a modern-day schoolgirl ( a rather vapid, clumsy one ) who falls for a vampire who subsequently has to restrain his bloodsucking impulses to make her his breakfast surprise. So Hollywood took that from a much-raved novel to a shockingly edited, badly scripted movie that's just so-so for me. Most probably due to the fact that Edward Cullen did nothing for me.

Edward : Paul, we shouldn't be friends. If you're smart, you'll stay away from me.
Paul : Whatever.
Edward : I can't restrain my urges to suck you dry.
Paul : Not the first time I've heard that. But at least you're making progress from talking about mitotic phases.
Edward : I can't live with myself. I have to be away from you!
Paul : Not a problem. At least you won't be creeping outside my window anymore. Hey is your hunky dad Carlisle available?

Somehow I think they got his character lost in translation.



As princes go though, frankly I have seen better. Brooding buggers who can't manage three sentences without a mournful woe-is-me are so dead to me. Far from any Nightingale desire to save him, all I'd want to do is taser him. Someone get me a vamp with a modicum of charm ( and a sense of humour! ) please.