Ballers, Brewskis & Barry

What five TV Characters would you do?

Seriously. I don't know how the tone of our conversation descended into such lurid degeneracy but during the circuitous drive back home - after a spate of comparing recent television dramas - we suddenly stumbled onto this gem.

We - as in Big Bicep Barry and me. Just back from another diving expedition, he looked as gloriously tanned as the surfer bum I always imagined him to be. Seemed like he'd closed up his beach shack for the night ( seeing that all the superstitious folks are hiding at home this Hungry Ghost Month! ) which gave us an opportunity to hit the spanking new cineplex in town to catch the Mummy : Tomb of the Dragon Emperor.


What the fuck am I doing here!
Certainly says something that I got more of a rise from riding Barry's car after than during the entire two hours of the latest Mummy instalment :) Sure Brendan Fraser was watchable as he reprised his role of Rick O'Connell but that's about it. The plot was so-so, poor Jet Li was ludicrous as the two-dimensional baddie and even the fabulous sight of post-war Shanghai couldn't save the show.

Hell, even the brewskis we smuggled in didn't make the movie any better.

Which is how we ended up talking about television instead.


So many guys to choose from! How can I only pick five!
Surprisingly it took me a while to come up with an answer. Five fine fellas on the small screen I'd rather be doing? Now, how am I going to confine myself to only five! Well ... that and the fact that Big Bicep Barry was staring at me with raised eyebrow might have distracted me from replying as well.

Nathaniel Archibald from Gossip Girl
Sure, he's broody, faithless and given over to fits of dejection but hell, I'd still do him. Especially in his preppy St Judes uniform! Don't you just wanna tear it off?

Kirby Atwood from Lipstick Jungle


For obvious reasons - golden six-pack, toothpaste smile and all. And also for the fact that he stood by the resident bitch Nico Reilly even though she rejected him in a thousand painfully emasculating ways.

Eli Stone from... well it's self explanatory
Actually sweet Eli's more a guy I'd bring home to mama. Successful, handsome lawyer with a wicked sense of humour? Now, isn't that perfect husband material? Well, he does have a brain aneursym but that has been operated on!

And these two guys from more obscure sources - French and German television series in fact.

Kevin Laporte from Les Bleus
Sweet, sincere, intelligent - at least from what I gathered off the subtitles - and the adorable man's also a buff french copper. And did I tell ya he's out and proud as well?

Christian Mann from Verboten Liebe
And this one from a German soap called Verboten Liebe. A tough amateur boxer who's just starting to feel his way out of the closet. Now wouldn't you want to get into the ring with such a guy? Go look at those yummy lips.

All subject to change of course.

When I turned the question around on Barry, he smiled enigmatically while keeping an eye on the road ahead. Thought he was obviously not going to make a reply as usual. Then yet again, this fella surprised me.

Barry : Trust me, I'm so horny these days I could fuck a goat.
Paul : Well I'm available for a fuck.
Barry : Not while I'm driving.
Paul : At a measly 50 kmph. I saw a granny hobbling past on a cane.
Barry : I'm a good boy. Sex in a moving car? I don't do such things.
Paul : You're obviously not drunk enough. Stop by the sundry store and I'll get another six-pack.
Barry : That might help!

Fortunately I wasn't the designated driver or I'd have swerved into a ditch. Yeah, I talk a good game ... but after all this time, if he'd said yes I'd probably have leapt out of the car in hysterics.