Saturday, January 27, 2007

Carmen Gets Her Groove Back

Everytime I think of subscribing to the notion of the established gay man happy in suburbia with his domestic partner and adopted indigent Himalayan children, I quickly have a rethink - especially lately when I've volunteered for the task of occasionally babysitting for my brother.

Don't get me wrong. Really, my niece is a darling. In the early mornings when she first wakes up all fresh from a good night's sleep ( if she ever gets one without the occasional nightmarish awakening ), you'll believe that butter won't melt in Chatty Carmen's pretty cupid bow's mouth. We have our morning breakfast with pancakes and orange juice while grooving to Beyonce - believe me, Carmen makes a mean impression while babbling the entire lyrics to Irreplaceable!

Groovy baby!

Seriously. You'll actually be fooled into thinking that little girls are actually made up of sugar and spice, and everything nice.

Those who've handled children in the terrible two stage would know that this sweet phase is only temporary before the inevitable transformation. Honestly after hours of close observation, I am starting to believe that's only one of her budding personalities. Depending on the hour, the seasonal weather and possibly her swinging hormonal imbalances ( acute infantile PMS? ), the tempestuous tyke takes on several distinct personas throughout the day from Cute Cooing Carmen who sings songs to chattering bluebirds in the garden - to the horrific near-demonic Crying Crabby Carmen who tosses Lego bricks aside in her mini King Kong impersonation.

Really. When crabby Carmen's throwing one of her tearful tantrums - and coming close to dramatically twisting her head 360 degrees, I swear I'm this close to calling the nearest amateur exorcist at hand to remove the vengeful spirit that seems to have possessed her. Other than a quick, cleansing splash of holy water, I'm not sure what else to do apart from standing at a decent distance while staring in fearful astonishment.

Obviously not ready to be a full-time father at the present moment. But then I guess real-time experience does help. After a thousand nights of dealing with a maddening monster, I guess even a relative bumbling amateur figures out some novel ways of dealing with the problem. At the moment ( nearly tearing my hair out with frustration ) unfortunately I can only think of several drops of Chloral Hydrate.

Not exactly a paediatrician-sanctioned way of dealing with a cranky child.

Wonder how Charming Calvin would deal with Crabby Carmen - or any other infants to come. Doubt even his vaunted sleepiness would hold under her ear-splitting sonic screams. :) With his penchant for ironing, bet he'd enjoy doing the extra laundry though.


JL said...

I offer to babysit for yours in the future, how bout that :)

Sam said...

Hohoho... first time dealing with the terrible two-year-olds eh? Trust me, it can get a whole lot worse.

Never can understand how to deal with me littlest two year old brother, Scotty. Shep and I always have our hands full, so whenever that little terror throws a tantrum worse than that Antichrist kid from the Omen - we start running around for the nearest exorcist.

Kids. Wow.

Roxie said...

Hahahahaha!! Now you know how I feel every second weekend when I go to my brother's house and mind his boys. (Two and four, respectively) And people LIE! - It's not Terrible Twos, it's just all round Terrible Tots until they're 9. And then Terrible Tweens, Terrible Teens....

When my 2yo newphew starts screaming I walk into the other room, close the door and put music on to drown him out. I am both loving and caring. *smirk*

savante said...

Free babysitting! Yay, jl!

Nah, dealt with her before but I'm seeing her more often now, sam :)

Only do the locking doors when her parents are back. Then I enjoy my peace till dinner, Rox.


m5lvin said...

I just love kids, not that I'm a paedophile or anything but don't you think they are the most adorable living "creatures" ~ Hahaha...cute!

Ban said...

Hmmmm. Kid could use some disciplining. Just a little. It's not too late to start to be a little firmer.

Dave said...

baby girls are adorable.

girls grown up from infant stage are still called baby

girls called their loved ones 'baby' when married.

but are they still as adorable as a bay when old??

Anonymous said...

My nieces couldn't fool you into thinking such a thing. Okay, maybe someone else, but NOT me. They can be holy terrors when they want to, but it seems that they save that mode for dear Uncle Brian!

Ianfluenza said...

Watching a baby growing up before it becomes a toddler is like staring at the intense quietness before the perfect storm unleashes.

I've had my share of migraines and frustrations with my cousins..