Thursday, January 11, 2007

Scarlet Tears on Cherry Blossoms

For those who are starting to believe that I might be the living incarnation of evil, you might not be too far from wrong. Not only have I started enjoying the far-from-innocent delights of Trapt, I have started out on an entirely new and far more nefarious mission.

Imagine seemingly serene 18th Century Japan with innocently wandering geishas in their pastel-coloured kimonos, pretty as cherry blossoms in the the height of spring, giggling as they charmingly tiptoe past the grinning gentlemen loitering in front of the many teahouses.

Here I come to spoil the day!

Then here comes me, the big bad Scorpion Samurai swaggering into town with my charmingly decorated Noh mask and unfortunately my far-less-charming gleaming ten-foot blade of burning death. And soon for no apparent reason ( other than some mild irritation over their good-hearted cheeriness ), the giggling geishas find themselves unwitting victims of an unprovoked assault, sliced and diced to pieces with their blood splattering the wooden screens while the stunned gentlemen find themselves struggling to keep their bowels from spilling out of their gaping abdomens while wriggling desperately on my stained sword. Grisly but true.

And in the Way of the Samurai, not only can we go about decapitating wayward European tourists with impunity ( who have an odd but extremely apt tendency to babble endlessly about harakiri ), we can also go local by randomly slaughtering umbrella-wielding Anglophile Japanese women, dismembering boring, chattering magistrates and slashing unfortunate herbalists - not to mention doing a dazzling three combo move on a trio of weight-challenged gossipy washerwomen.

Scorpion Samurai : Wash my undergarments, woman! What do you mean you think I'm the evil ronin slaughtering innocents? How dare you make such an accusation! Taste my blade!

The life of the Samurai is often one of modesty, patience, and discipline, but this game simply debunks all that since this is one game where free will reigns - a bloody reign though it might be. Refreshingly, based on the decisions that are made, we get to see different story sequences, battles, and characters. Shockingly almost anything goes. Short of physically accosting other characters in an amorous manner ( oddly Puritanical this game ), nothing seems to be sacred in this free-form, non-linear game. Holier-than-thou paragons would probably help the innocent and the poor while upholding truth, justice and the little japanese hamlet way - but servants of the dark side such as myself just thrive on chaos, mayhem - and the occasional screeching washerwoman disemboweled and hung on the clotheslines.

Scorpion Samurai : What do you mean my clothes aren't ready yet? Dry THIS!

Of course as in real life, in no time we start developing distressingly menacing reputations in the small village ( with the sadly depleting population ) and everyone is soon gunning for our blood ( usually the local village thugs ) - or else scurrying helter skelter at the sight of us ( geishas and other assorted gentlemen ). Which means sharpening our blades and swordsplay - and even more bloodshed.

Charming Calvin is getting really worried these days.


Anonymous said...

It sounds like a harmless outlet for your evil side. I say perfect! Tell Charming Calvin not to worry.

Anonymous said...

There are dozens of games where you can go around killing civilians, though with repercussions. Baldur's Gate 2, Planescape Torment, Fable... mostly RPGs. It gets old after awhile.

Anonymous said...

Oh. My. Gawd. This is easily my most favorite post of all time! =P

You can see why I love this game. Been playing it to unlock so much of the unlockables. In fact, I'm just as evil a little brother - after all 323 kills on a single sword. Been butchering everyone in town. =P

I love bloodshed.

Roxie said...

Sounds awesome to me! :p Ah, video games. I have executed so many annoying customers in video games...

Mr.Brian/Mr.Fletcher said...

Mental Note:

While touristing in Malaysia, do NOT go while Paul, the All-Knowing Overtly Evil Samurai (sp?) warrior, is in an Anti-American mood. :)

Anonymous said...

isn't fable 2 supposed to be out sometime soon?

Anonymous said...

With so much violence, where's the love?

Anonymous said...


please deliver me from evil Paul...

boocefus said...

Evil? U mean eeeeee-vil (a la Dr. Evil of Austin Powers fame, no doubt).

Hmm..okay. As a half japanese born in Yokohama, and a lover of Noh theatre...I'll ignore the image of a samurai wearing a "charming" theatrical mask as opposed to battle regalia...the obvious difference being one made of papier mache...and the other decorated and painted bronze plates molded with cloth interior...although if anyone could swagger in samurai battle armor with the only exception being a charming Noh mask of papier mache on his face...I figure you could swing it Paul.

Not sure why you'd wanna chop up geishas...other than the annoying giggling...but a as a new father to a baby girl I find her giggling quite charming...but I'm biased.

Role playing is alot of fun. It's best when you go totally opposite of what you'd normally do. yeah you can be honorable, saving maidens in distress, slaying the dragon and saving the townsfolk, but come on. For a fun time in La La Land, nothing beats haking and slashing the defenseless and downtrodden and creating a nasty reputation for yourself.

Think of it as putting the miserable and hopeless out of their misery. You're really doing them a favor.