Monday, January 15, 2007

Back to School

You know what. There's certainly no need to relive your past and change it especially when you can do it the virtual reality way. This weekend I went back to school and decided to change how I did things the first time around. Certainly no more Mr Nice Guy. No more attending classes on time. No more finishing schoolwork regularly. No more making friends at break time.

Really. That's so 80s!

Not only am I a delinquent troublemaker named Jimmy Hopkins with a wicked sneer, a devilish crewcut and a juvenile rap sheet a mile long, I also have a new stepfather who's certainly mad enough with my antisocial behaviour to send me to the aptly named Bulworth Academy in the hopes of achieving the impossible.

Seems like pretty much the wrong move for reform since I immediately begin cutting classes, sneaking out of school by a secret passageway through the autoshop and playing truant in the nearby town, knocking down silly ex-beauty queens with my speedster bike, beating up innocent shoppers in the back alleys for their petty cash and generally raising hell in the previously serene little town.

Of course the long arm of the law is never too far away and I spend a large fraction of my time outrunning them. Once caught however ( if I find myself unable to stomp and shove my way free from the remarkably efficient coppers ), I find myself causing quite as much havoc back in school. What happens when I'm sent to a school where the inept administrators seem clueless that the whole campus is being ruled by incessantly warring social cliques.

Precocious little Bulworth Academy kids scream and shiver in fear of me as they soon find themselves unwittingly dunked in toilet bowls and stuffed into lockers when I'm close by. None of the usual teen school cliques are free from my near-psychotic mindless abuse - the jocks, the nerds, the prefects, the greasers, the preppy richboys... all get their share of stink bombs, rotten eggs, slingshots, firecrackers and their regular helping from my handy fists.

Of course school isn't all mischief, torture and gangfights since I do take the time to learn all about the birds and the bees. Although juvenile Jimmy is barely up to my shoulder in real life, he certainly makes it up in oodles of charm since the boy manages to get around with the oddly susceptible ladies - from the misunderstood Goth princess to the snooty undisputed queen of high school, all fall easy prey to his sloppy preteen kisses. Not even the boys are left out since Trent Northwick, the blond teengod finds himself all too willing to succumb to Jimmy's charms ( although the hard-to-get stud does demand some romance, love and attention first in the form of some freshly-cut blossoms ).

Hot Blond
I'm too sexy for this shirt!

And that's not counting the other easily swayed boys... Vance, Cornelius, Gord and Kirby... who seem to enjoy having that bit of extracurricular boy-on-boy saliva-swapping on their resumes.

Best of all, fervent kissing restores health. Don't forget that, lil girls and boys ( of a reasonably legal age of course )!

Bulworth Hottie
But I'm shy and I'm keeping my shirt on!

Other than that little bit of shocking homosexuality, it's certainly a clean-cut PG-13 game though since drugs and alcohol are literally banned from the premises - and there aren't any shady dealers lurking around the school fences either ( believe me, I looked ... hard ). And for a bunch of troublesome testosterone-driven boys, there's surprisingly little sex going around for these monkish celibates since nothing happened no matter how hard I tried to get into the horny, terribly willing preppie Gord's pants ( believe me, I tried... hard ). After all, he did invite me to check out his new trousers.

There's not even a meltingly hot Bel Ami shot of the boys soaping it up in the gym shower!

Guess not everything's that great in virtual world after all :)


JL said...

maybe you should suggest a few add on to the current version of the game and rename it...

Bulworth Academy : Paul's Restoration

;) Cheers

strapping.shane said...

Everybody should be made kissable in the game.

JL's right - maybe they should make a part 2. =P

Anonymous said...

strapping.shane: I think Paul wants more than the characters being kissable. ;)

strapping.shane said...

You're probably right. My brother probably wants to bonk them too. =P

Anonymous said...

How nice that you have time to play PS2 games :P

Goddess of the Earth said...

I rather play my Buffy game - at least Angel and Spike are hotter, and come off it two vamps getting off on each other is much better than 18 year old boys :P

Anonymous said...

I hear ya Goddess of the Earth! Finally, I found someone who plays the Buffy game!

But boy-on-boy action is always good! :) Wonder if this game is out on X-Box...

Anonymous said...

You can't expect much from a Parental Guidance - 13 year old game. Its good enough that it has the kissing thing but seriously all the other stuff just doesn't come with the PG - 13!! Paul, and here I thought you were the busy doctor, instead you're playing computer games!? hahahaha ;)

Rex said...

Dear Paul, you don't know me but I am your--new reader.I wonder why you seem to be so free all time to update your blog.You know, a M.D should always be busy,at least a responsible one is!!!
OK,I am kidding.

savante said...

Good idea, JL. Will contact Rockstar Games for a more wild adult-oriented game. :P

Doubt kids cuold play it tho, shane - especially since anon is right!

Hey, I am on leave, petie! And that goes for Rex too :P Can't very well be in the hospital when I'm not supposed to be at work!

Ooh, goddess, must look for the Buffy game then. Sounds good, Holden.

True enough, jase. It's a game for kids after all.