Chilli Bites

There are certain quirks about a person that always makes me smile - since all of us have our own borderline psychotic tendencies, I believe. Of course, sudden impulses to dismember innocents would count as somewhat more psychotic than most, if not highly criminal. Still there are the small obsessions such as haunting certain chain restaurants ( such as the seemingly ubiquitous Kim Gary ) in the search of that perfect waiter to grope in the men's room.

And then there is the endearing Charming Calvin's Chili's Craze. Despite his pleas about impending financial insolvency, the man simply can't resist the tempting lure of nachos and fajitas at Chili's. Not sure exactly how this particularly odd predilection came about but he finds himself irresistibly drawn to the doors of the pricey restaurant like a drowning sailor to the call of sultry sirens each time he's within a hundred mile radius of a Chili's. Filing for Chapter 13 and leaky roofs somehow don't deter him from splurging on cholesterol and chips.

Since I had my own royal summons from the nearby Kinokuniya, I found myself willingly shanghaied into his nefarious plans. After all the sales season always find me practically swamped with brochures and catalogues, no thanks to the millions of cards that populate my wallet. Silent witness to the temporary insanity that grips me during this shopping madness, Big Bicep Barry claims that it's time to create the One Card to Rule Them All - and I certainly agree.

So it shouldn't surprise anyone that I'd agree to a date in a shopping mall - although I don't know how I got shockingly conned into Chili's. Slick fella, that Calvin. No doubt he knew that his hastily mumbled offer of a quickie in the nearby men's room would easily sway me.

Which is how I ended up full to the brim with awesome blossoms, bottomless chips and barrels of apple juice. Even the sour-faced strumpet who begrudgingly served us the refills ( possibly spitting in it each time she shoved the mugs at us ) failed to dampen our enthusiasm as we pointed out the oddities of all the patrons from the shrouded arabian princesses with the leopard spots fetish to a gaggle of gay men with their accompanying fag hag entourage... Surprisingly there was even a melting hottie who resembled one of the Eastern Europeans frequently hired by Bel Ami - although he had a tendency to brood disconcertingly over the troubles in the Middle East.

Too much spicealicious chilis for the two of us though which is why we had to doggie bag the rest.