Groaning Tiger Hidden Dragon

Let's talk about porn.

Or at least my ISO and I were talking about it during the party. Good boys talk about the disastrous state of the economy and the Middle East. My ISO and me, we talk about the current state of porn.

Walk into any gay sex store abroad - of course not in conservative Malaysia! - and you'd find something peculiar. And I don't mean the oddly painful-looking cockrings. In between stacks of DVDs with appropriately salacious titles ranging from the Raiders of the Lost Arse to Lord of the G-Strings, you'd find a shocking dearth of Chinese gay porn.

Really. Look hard for the sons of the yellow emperor in the store and you won't find any.

Now why is that? Where are the joys of the cut sleeve and the bitten peach? For a vast country with at least half a billion boys - and a much-talked about history of randy emperors bedding a thousand and one concubines, I find it unusual that the Chinese are so surprisingly puritanical these days! Can't be from a lack of hunger for Asian meat since slender Thai pretty boys, humping Pinoy studs and scandalous Japanese athletes ( catering to all manner of indescribable fetishes! ) abound in the gay porn genre.

Surely there's a burgeoning market out there for Chinese gay porn?


No porn please. We're Chinese!
Seriously. Won't you be interested in Shaolin Studs in Kungfu Hustler or Enter the Dragon ( the uncensored version! )? Perhaps even deliciously sweaty gang members in Triad Erection I and II? Or what about the slightly amorous Outlaws of the Marsh where the banished heroes slaughter their adulterous wives and concubines only to make their escape to a mountain retreat where everything looks like a martial arts version of a gay resort.

And did anyone else think that in the movie Red Cliff, Zhou Yu had far more sexual chemistry with Zhuge Liang than his own wife? A sly homoerotic tension that even the historians in the past had captured in the phrase 瑜亮情结?

Zhou Yu : What are you doing in my bedchamber playing with the arrows? Have you come to shame me again by proving how sadly ineffective my stratagems are?
Zhuge Liang : Far from that, powerful warrior. You wrong me. Though I've collected a thousand for you, the only arrow I'd want to get shafted by is yours.
Zhou Yu : Only my arrow? Wouldn't you rather try my Fisting of Death?

I know. Lame conversation. But you can hardly expect two brawny studs with ginormous wangs to come up with witty one-liners! Half their blood supply's already left their brains by that time.