Going Australia

What if I were a cattle baron in the Australian outback during the initial years of the 20th century?

I think I'd have been quite as conniving as any villainous mogul, trying to squeeze out the rest of the landowners to maintain a monopoly on my goods and make as much profit as I possibly can. Lies, cheating and manipulation would be the name of the game. Even bumping off some of my closest competitors ( dropping them into billabongs for the crocs ) wouldn't be an anathema to me - though I'd leave it as a last resort.

I doubt the prim lily-white aristocrat Lady Sarah Ashley would approve of me.


You're looking to hire me?
Especially when I try to steal her hunky Drover - played by a suitably buffed Hugh Jackman - to man my fields. And maybe even my bed. Though as a notoriously wicked baron I'd probably have conned a couple of dozen local hunks into my bed already to satisfy my voracious sexual appetites.

Paul : I see you've been behind on the payments.
Hunky farmer : Swear I'll pay you back, sir. With the recent drought, the land's not been as hearty as it should be for quite a while.
Paul : How terrible. Maybe it's time to pack up and leave.
Hunky farmer : Don't foreclose on us. Everything I have is sunk into this land. I've got a sheila at home with a child to pay for as well.
Paul : Maybe we could work out an agreement. Meet me at the main house tonight.
Hunky farmer : Oh thank you! Yes, sir.
Paul : By the way, tell your wife you won't be coming back till tomorrow.

Bedding all the eligible men in town, surely I'll soon be the scourge of the territory in due time. Of course those who talk ill will soon serve as the main course for the pet crocs I mentioned.

Things happen differently in Australia however. Our Lady Ashley arrives fresh from England only to encounter the stifling heat of the Northern Territory to salvage the cattle station left by her recently deceased husband. Soon she finds that the only way to make Faraway Downs profitable is if she transfers a herd of cattle to Darwin to make a sale.

And to do so, she'd need the hunky Drover I mentioned earlier to herd them.

Of course to dispell any illusion that this is a plain romance, our lady also encounters numerous obstacles to her ambitious plans - from her main rivals, the conniving manager Mr Fletcher and the arrogant cattle baron King Carney to the pesky World War II raging in the horizon. Along the way our intrepid ( though childless ) heroine also finds the time to combat racism by mothering a young half-caste Aboriginal orphan called Nullah.

And muddle through the classic Over the Rainbow. Despite forgetting the lines to the song, her valiant singing still manages to win the heart of the Drover. Damn skinny lily-white blonds.



Did I mention the Drover takes a particularly salacious shower while at camp? Though it's barely five seconds, it's certainly worth every penny of the movie ticket.