For a heterosexual guy, this doesn't seem to be a problem since everyone else expects his sexual orientation to veer towards the accepted norm. But for a homosexual man, it gets to be quite a pickle since there is always an all-too-ready assumption that all men are slobbering hound dogs with a yen for scoping out the hot chicks. It would be wonderful if who I fuck doesn't actually matter at all but that never seems to be the case. Once you're out to your friends, it seems that you're tagged and labelled as the token gay guy with your sexual orientation stamped like the proverbial scarlet letter on your forehead. Suddenly everything you do seems to be irrevocably tied to your sexual orientation.Which is why I'm taking my time telling the news. The past year has recorded some of the teeny baby steps I've made coming out of the closet. Although I've confided in a few of my friends, a few more perspicacious ones have inadvertently stumbled upon it - no thanks to the mild notoriety of my blog. A little disconcerting, I have to admit but I guess it does help ease the way sometimes. Makes me wonder who else I know actually reads this :)
Not everyone in my family is privy to this which is why I still frequently get the Question. For those who assume that I lead a charmed life without much discord, this would come as a startling surprise I'm sure.
Been a while since I had my little whine but this seems to be the time. Not only am I wrestling with questions on the future of my career ( and my sudden wavering interest in pursuing further education and the insane desire to turn into a househusband / shopkeeper of some sort ), I'm suddenly bombarded on all angles by the loaded Question. Surely most of us unmarried singletons have gone through some variation on the similar dull theme of 'Why aren't you seeing anyone? No nice girls around meh? When are you going to get married?'
Usually I'm able to brush off those questions but lately however that particular broken record has been getting rather heavy radio play on Dr Paul's FM. As we all know, Asian cultures place a heavy emphasis on familial ties and there's nothing quite as important as perpetuating the family name - which I'm obviously failing to do - hence the parental pressure to go forth and multiply. One-sided debates on my state of bachelorhood have been raging around me for the past year, more so especially after a few of my ungrateful younger cousins have gotten themselves hitched.
There are times I actually feel like being absolutely reckless - just sitting down to a family dinner and impulsively blurting out 'I'm gay' but then once I pick up my fork and spoon, I start to lose my nerve. Not only because of the endless barrage of probing questions ( possibly even an MCQ with essays included! ) but also because of the very real possibility of choking amongst my captive audience ( and I'd certainly not be in the mood for a Heimlich just about then ) . Surely there'll also be the inevitable question of whether I'm sure of my choice - especially since I'm still single.
Dammit.
Things would be that much simpler if I could just club and drag some eligible looking fella back to my cave to parade around. Just a nice regular kinda guy who'd be able to charm the socks off my parents - and of course me. :)
26 comments:
Oh Paul, please go and hitch yourself with a handsome looking guy to parade around the family gathering, so that your misery of questioning your bachelorhood comes to an end. Come to S'pore, there are tonnes of handsome looking gay men awaits you. ;)
If not, i throw you 2 suggestions to tide the crisis:
1. Bring back Ang Lee's The Wedding Banquet into your family gathering, minus having Ang Lee as the director. You direct the show yourself.
2. Tell your seniors that more girls are turning lesbian, so it is impossible to find a good decent girl for yourself. :)
Lucky me, my parents encouraged me NOT to get married. According to them, after seeing so many marriage failures, even a 10-year marriage would end in disaster, they rather hope me not to step into this circle too. No marriage, no children, so no worries. Live your own life but I wonder how would they take it if I come out form the closet. I mean, it's hot in here and I'm suffocating. Lol...
hooh. interesting dilemma there, doctor. of course, even straight people get the needle quite often, which in their case might actually be a bit more painful (READ: unattractive).
i'd rather not procreate. too, erm, messy.
i keep using the excuse that relationships are too expensive, that i cant even support myself, much more a "stranger". so far, ppl believe me. i guess its a more plausible reason for them to digest rather than hearing that pussies and breasts just arent my thing. :)
...ungrateful?
You may have come out to them sometime if you hope to adopt in the future. That and stay with a guy with whom you'll raise the kid. If you need to drop hints, you could always go back to wearing the baby tees and tight jeans. ;)
Paul,
You'll do the right thing at the right time. Trust yourself. And while you're looking for a new husband come to America and we'll talk : )!
Rick
Take it slowly but surely. Don't worry, everything shall fall into their proper places - including your husband's seat at your family's dinner table. Recently, I learned that some asshole cousin+uncle of mine outed me to my ailing grandma, and when my dad got to talk to my grandma on the phone while I was listening on the phone extension, I heard my grandma say that she loves me regardless, and very much still an heir to her fortune... Not that I'm itching to get it soon! Goodluck, Paul!
first of all, * hugs*
i know all about Asian parents...having a pair of overwhelming control freaks myself.
...which is also why...im married.. when im still not ready... thankfully the guy im married to is a sweet person.. so im easing into the idea o fit all slowly and much easier...
....which brings me to my point... dont rush in and be rushed in to anything...any relationship...its hard when you dont haev someone in the scene..but...its better than hooking up with a heartbreak case.
i wish i was in the same city as you ..id so hang out with you and listen to all your rants...you are one sweet guy and you deserve the best....
i'd say you go club barry and bring him home... make sure you hit some memory nerves or something and turn him into amnesiac and then convince him that he's gay and you are his boyfriend.
then have sex, adopt a triplets, move to suburb residential area and live happily ever after. how's that sound?
hmmm...we are on the same boat dude..mine is even worst.
can I simply tell them that I cannot have erection cause of my road accident before. do you think they will buy that?
find the guy first! everything else will fall into place :)
the same thing has been houvering over my mind too, but still coming out doesnt answer "why ur still SINGLE" though it may fan off the "WHY there's still no girl" bit...
so,without a guy, not much point telling aint it?
uhmnn i think let time tell.. just let it be... just do whatever u want.. then after a certain time they will get the hints... uhmnn not being ungrateful but uhmnn how we could change? its the nature of us huh!
Paul (or better Mr. Sung since I really don't know you personally),
I've become a big fan of your writing in these past few years (especially with 'The New Year'). The talent you have displayed is tremendous and I'm going to miss seeing it update since Yahoo/Geocities has saw fit to block it.
As to who you are and how you choose to address it, well, the choice is yours. It would be a disservice of me to tell you to "jump out of the closet" or even to tell you to "stay in". You and who you are, what you do and your interactions with family and friends are only privy to each other.
As long as you are comfortable in who you are and how you take your time in addressing your own take on things and how far you wish to announce yourself, then that's all that matters.
I will say that I think I have been very lucky to read your posts and your thoughts on many subjects as well as your writing. Opening yourself up is difficult especially in a public forum. I can understand as I have a blog too although I have an easier time opening up I still have my liabilities; one of them being HIV positive.
Thanks for being the person you are and honoring us with your expressions of humanity.
TJay
When the time comes, I hope your coming out experience is one of the more pleasant ones, as mine surprisingly was. Hope things are going well for you!
Dear Savante,
Congratulations on your baby steps towards coming out. I'm sure you will remain warm in the glow of the love of your family and friends. All the very best and remember you have all your blog fans cheering you on.
how i came out to my next-cubicle colleague (a girl):
colleague: there's not a lot good looking men around here.
me: so true! where have all the good looking men gone to?!
colleague: ?
as for the marriage question,i tend to ignore it, a lot. if press, i just say i'm still young (although gotta admit in a couple of years time that ceases to be valid :( )
I thought we had this rant last chinese new year. And every time you go attend a wedding.
You're flogging the greasy patch where the horse used to be, dear.
i must say it's been depressing reading two blogs today with the same theme! But then again, heh-who ever said life is easy. Baby steps are good - but sometime to be yourself, you need to be comfortable with who you are and don't give a toss to anyone. If it's unbearable, leave the country, with your health and medical skills plus your talent for writing, I'm sure you be readily acceptable into any country in the West that accept people like us. So we do have a choice at the end of the day.....
Come to Tokyo and will discuss....:-) I need inspiration as well....
Ian
Like you say, I cannot possibly understand what it is like to have to come out. Wish I was there so I could lend support in person while hanging out with you. It could be you and me and Grafxgurl. I am sure we'd be the terrors of the town (what ever that town was)!
take your time man. family is always the hardest to deal with esp with coming out deal.
i (sorta, accidentally) came up to my mum and she still demanded grandchildren in the future. *pengsan*
good luck with this. you will know when it's time.
i always have that split-second thought of 'what if i tell them now?' whenever i have dinner with my family. thank god i haven't gone ahead with the idea. don't think it would be good for their health.. or even mine for that matter ;P
oh paul, you're not alone - it seems that this boat is over-full and yet to sail.
my story though is slighly different to yours that my whole extended family know that i'm gay. before i also used to get the "question" but always had the excuse of studies as a fall-back. now though, no more of the "question" but also no questions at all! it seems i've turned into a eunuch in their eyes, particularly with the olds. it's not all bad though. the cuz are a completely different story - god bless them, they're always on a look-out for my "papa".
best wishes.
I know I know. Stop the whining :) It's only once a month, I promise! Tonnes of hot guys in Singapore? Really, Dave?
Encouraged you not to get married calvin!?
Idiot, sex is messy? Have you seen two guys at it then?
Designdoc, how do you get away with relationships are expensive?!
The baby tees, Daniel? Really?
Rick, I'll take you up on that :)
Mark, did I hear a bit about inheriting grandma's stuff? :O
Thanks, grafxgurl, what's happening with your lovelife?
You always have the best ideas, musang!
Doubt they would believe that, pakcik. They'd probably send you to some urut batin.
canard and xavier, I am looking hard. Can't you tell?
ceusm, yeah I know!
TJay, that's a lovely post. THanks for all your kind words. And I haven't given up writing.. will post it up one day as soon as I can.
Brian, you're back! Thanks, wildreeds.
Certainly an interesting way to spill the beans, asmadi.
Will, I need to flog the horse every once in a while - since I don't have a boyfriend to flog.
No plans on Tokyo yet, Ian!
Not sure if there's any town ready for us yet, sue :)
Accidentally came out? Joshua, how did that happen?
Aiskrem potong, so do I actually.
Not sure yet, chas. Haven't asked them yet.
Glad you're doing well with your family, ryan :)
Paul
Aren't we all in the same boat? I know one thing for sure that the coming out to the family episode will never ever occur to me. I dont even want to think about it unless if I want my family to disown me instead.
Read my newbie blog!
I'm sure I can charm your parents beautifully with my English accent and magnificence ... but I'm kinda spoken for otherwise. ;oP
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