Plight of the Ah Longs

Pity the Shylocks of today!

Following the latest reports that unscrupulous moneylenders here have chained and imprisoned three men in Bukit Serdang for failing to settle their incurred debts ( reminiscent of Abu Ghraib ), the entire moneylending community - otherwise fondly known here as ah longs - have been targeted by the vengeful media and the far more outraged public.

Poor fellows are getting some mighty bad press these days. Doubt even clever Portia and her cheating ilk could heap any more abuse on the hapless moneylenders.

If you prick us, do we not bleed?
If you tickle us, do we not laugh?
If you poison us, do we not die?
And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?

Not only do they get villified by the public, I even know a couple of moneylenders who have been beaten by their clients as well. A sad role reversal, I know! So as much as I should raise a pitchfork to join the bloodthirsty mob, I beg to differ. Can we actually blame them?


Victim : That's all I have! Take it!
Paul : Not really. Hand me your clothes too.
So far we've gotten so used to the far gentler image of the ah longs with their bleeding pig heads and vandalizing spraypaints proclaiming vengeance ( the infamous O$P$ - Owe money, pay money ) on their loan defaulters - suddenly gone MIA - that we've actually forgotten that these shady strongfellows can actually back up their bark with some bite. Make a quick escape with the money that you borrowed from them - after making a ceremonious blood oath no doubt - and expect to get away scot-free?

Seriously. Imagine the chagrin of the ah longs. What would happen to their sorely earned reputations! Surely you can't expect these macho, tattooed brutes ( with ties to the underground ) to hang around twiddling their thumbs patiently waiting for the return.

And let's not forget that some of the borrowers aren't exactly upstanding pillars of the community.

If someone owed me a huge bundle of cash and disappeared suddenly without repayment, I'd be pissed as well. Probably furious enough to punch a few things. And that's putting it mildly.

So what would you expect the more physical ah longs to do? Is it any wonder that these modern-day Shylocks want their pound of flesh as well? Not saying the ah longs are right to mistreat their loan defaulters but hey, sometimes you gotta look at things from their point of view.

Of course if I were an ah long, I wouldn't mistreat my defaulters in the infamous Abu Ghraib method. Mindless physical and mental torture would certainly be going against my principles ( and my vaunted Hippocratic Oath! ). Anyway how would I ever gain back my deposit in that way? Depending on how good the cheating miscreants look, I'd probably demand repayment in the form of sexual slavery on their part! And if they're not as well endowed physically, surely they have reasonably attractive brothers and sons willing to work off the loan :)

Monstrous, aren't I?

Bureaucracy in Action

Turns out working in Miri is the least of my troubles.

Getting to Miri itself is turning out to be quite a feat all of its own. Just like the first time I started work way back when, starting out again on this new phase of my career has become another test of jumping through bureaucratic hoops.


Another form?! Another department?!
Are they trying to drive me insane?
Ever been given form A to insert in slot B? Only to find that you need permit C to get form A into slot B - but you need form A to get permit C? Crazy complex eh?

Paul : Do I send in the red form here?
Receptionist : You've got the right department but you have to walk down this corridor and take two lefts to find receptionist B.
Paul : And that's all I have to do?
Receptionist : No. The other blue file you have is for Department C which is two storeys down.
Paul : And that's all?
Receptionist : No. Once you get to receptionist B, you will get a pink form to be sent to Department F which is in another building.
Paul : Next door?
Receptionist : Uhh. No. It's an hour away.
Paul : WTF.
Receptionist : And you will get a form that you need to hand back to us by 4 this evening.

And that's all from the same department. Figures that the office on the right doesn't know what's happening just next door.

That was only the beginning of the day. And I haven't even started on my busy run-around of the administrative buildings in our capital. An impromptu tour of the deepest bowels of the ministry!

Only to find later that receptionist B had taken leave ( of her senses? ) and wouldn't be back for the next few days. Worse, no one else in the office knows how to perform her shockingly imperative tasks. You'd have thought that this particular indispensable office drone had been granted the secrets of the universe to keep rather than a little chop as a glorified pencil pusher.

Though the rest of the staff were appropriately apologetic ( probably because I looked ready to run amuck slaying innocent bystanders ) and promised to get the work done as quick as possible, you can imagine how furious I was at the end of the working day :)

Bureaucracy. Damn. Certainly reminds me of the place that sends you mad!



Seriously. Haven't they heard of something called e-mails and a fax machine? What about a multifunctional one-stop centre?

Heading East

News of my recent posting to the East certainly didn't come as much of a surprise to anyone in the medical fraternity. After all, I'm essentially a footloose, fancy-free bachelor with no strings attached. In our medical speak, that's an almost sure bet to get transferred as far away as possible without much further ado.

Given a choice between the various cities in East Malaysia, I obviously opted for one that seemed familiar by association. In my case, that means Miri - otherwise known as the town of HomosexOil. Figures.

For everyone else that I know, it simply means I've practically been banished to the back of beyond miles away from known civilization. Typical bias of the well-heeled urbanites from out West! Much to the indignant cries of the proud natives.

Paul : OMG. I've been banished.
Calvin : Why do you all have such ideas? It's not the back of beyond.
Paul : Do they have malls? Do they have cinemas? Do they have roads?
Calvin : Of course we do! And we have kolok mee.

Not exactly a recommendation. Someone who looks as fine as this might be though.


Friendly treefolk?
Frankly I'm starting to think the same as my friends. Despite hailing from said city, Charming Calvin doesn't have much to say to recommend the place apart from wildly enthusiastic exhortations to savour the renowned kolok mee. I'm half-expecting to be greeted by grunting treefolk swinging on vines from their jungle homes.

Crazy prejudices of mine.

Fortunately I have the internet to prove otherwise.

Isn't it amazing that I'm far more interested in dressing up my apartment in the local Orang Ulu style ( bead baskets, pua kumbu throws and reed baskets? ) than starting work? That I'm more curious about how I'm going to fare in a new city with my erstwhile in-laws living barely a stone's throw away?

Hell, it seems that fate has already decreed that I should spend some time getting to know my reticent mother-in-law Milady Borgia. Not sure what we'll talk about but I'm sure I'll hit on a shared topic of interest. With the leisurely lunches I'm planning to have with her, I think it's time I stocked up on my drugs. :)


Certainly somewhere beyond the sea.

BTW if you haven't guessed already, that old enemy of mine called exams? By some miracle, I actually managed to take it down :)

Catching Victoria at Midnight

Definitely a change of pace for our usually plodding Charming Calvin as he had to rev it up a bit to catch up with me during our recent trip down under. No doubt he needs a few days to recover from this exhausting ordeal.

It wasn't all mall-hopping of course since I actually took the time to catch a movie. That just happens to be in a mall. Don't you just love how they casually lump all our modern conveniences into one place?

Found myself transfixed by the enchanting poster tacked on the wall even whilst sprinting through the dozens of nameless underpasses crisscrossing Orchard Road - and I simply knew I couldn't possibly leave without watching Young Victoria. A movie that actually tells the the tale of the iconic Victoria's early reign and her youthful romance with Prince Albert.


Victoria and Albert
After all, it must take quite a man to have his widow lay out hot shaving water in his room every single day after his death for the next 40 years? What makes her wear black thereafter to mourn him?

Certainly makes you curious about Victoria and Albert, doesn't it?


Since I knew Calvin kept unseasonably early hours, I offered to go alone for the midnight matinee. Going to the movies alone used to be one of my guilty pleasures after all. And it certainly wouldn't do to have him snoring away in the cinema ( since despite his protestations, historical period dramas bore him senseless ) while I kept my head down trying to avoid the frowning stares of the rest of the disapproving audience.

Thought it quite reasonable of myself.

Paul : Really. You should go back to the hotel. I could draw you a map.
Calvin : Never! I will follow you. Follow you wherever you may go. There isn't an ocean too deep -
Paul : I get the point. You will be bored.
Calvin : I will drink coffee!

But Calvin can be quite doggedly stubborn at times.

So after dragging him back to the hotel room to freshen up - oh yes, another hour long soak in the tub - I hurried back to the cinema with him in tow to catch the life of the Queen Victoria in the 1830s. Not the frumpy, prudish biddy in sober black we're all used to in her recent media incarnations but a vivacious young royal ingenue out to set the British Empire on fire. Quite enough to catch Prince Albert's roving eye.

Although I wouldn't recommend this slow-moving period drama for everyone, I think it suited us both very well since it played out our differences very well indeed. Me and Calvin. Despite the fact that we have our dissimilarities, turns out we're quite evenly matched. Since I saw quite a bit of the Calvin in the quiet, steady charms of Prince Albert.

While I seemed to favour the far more volatile Victoria. Always an imperious queen, I guess.

Glee

High school can be cruel.

Just witness the number of tragi-comedies set in that particular milieu with catty cliques from different orders of the social hierarchy declaring war on one another.

Not sure where I would have fit in. Never was the most popular frat boy in school, not the brash jock nor the artsy freak in black. Just a regular joe with my own clique of friends. As the token fag in an all boys school, you'd expect that I'd be humiliated, taunted and spray-painted by the homophobes but I wasn't. No doubt due to my general likeability factor - and that streak of mean underlying it all :)


Now who should we stuff in the locker?
Oddly enough I was even voted class monitor.

Had me wondering whether I'd be friends with the ones I know now way back in school. Or would we all be sworn enemies glaring balefully at each other across the tables during recess?

Or would I have ordered a hit and had them flushed with a swirlie in the toilet?

Think I'd probably have tons in common with Janvier - since we do share similar backgrounds and experiences. I might have passed as a mean boy though. No doubt Jaunty Jared would be the perennially helpful, perky goody-two-shoes involved in every event in school - the one who'd probably offer a mild scold over the nasty remarks I make. Especially when I keep making fun of the saving-the-world antics of environmental green freak, Lanky Lex.

And Charming Calvin would definitely be the nerdy band geek I'd filch lunch money from.

Somehow I seriously doubt we'd all share a table during recess.

But I guess we would all have something in common. The choir club :)


Terribly gay but true. No doubt music would be the one thing we all had in common despite our outward differences. Kinda like the kids on Glee.

Think of every cliched stereotype you have in high school - from the dumb jock to the screeching diva - and lump them all together in one glee club. If you haven't seen this fab series, make sure you catch at least the excellent Rehab remix - done by a rival glee club - shown here.

Hmm. Would still have stuffed Calvin in his locker if he had one. :)