Saturday, March 23, 2013

The Mystery of the Missing Muffdivers

In our highly conservative, tradition-bound society, it's certainly not uncommon to find certifiably homosexual men surrendering to the option of marrying a woman just to conform to the heteronormative societal rules. In fact, quite a few seduce the poor patsy, go on to start a budding family with several grubby rugrats in tow - while still actively trolling the homosocial apps.

Gay men in a straight marriage, certainly worthy of a Ricki Lake episode. Or some college humour like this.


Of course there are some who rail against the inflexible rules and choose a fellow comrade struggling in the proverbial closet - albeit a female one of course.

Which is exactly what my manly and discreet buddy, Prudent Patrick, intends to do.

Patrick : Maybe I will get married one day. Tired of the neverending questions.
Paul : Marry who!
Patrick : I should find a lesbian and marry her. 
Paul : Ah, the age old marriage of convenience. 
Patrick : Yeah!
Paul : You do know they are incredibly hard to find? Even our amazing gay-dar doesn't work to find them in the crowd!
Patrick : Surely they are around somewhere. 
Paul : Sightings are rare. Starting to believe they are an urban myth like mermaids or fairies. 

These days, despite the apparent homophobia displayed by the government-sponsored media at large, gay men are becoming increasingly conspicuous in our public spaces. Easy enough to pick the perfectly coiffed boys out, even without the unreliable help of my rusty gay-dar - or the largely unhelpful gay guidelines.

Patrick : Someone said they'll be here tonight.
Paul : I seriously doubt they gather in dark woods. They're not wicked witches.
 

Problem is the girls aren't that easy to pick out. Really, where are the lesbians?

Despite my exceedingly receptive persona, it doesn't seem to invite fellow lesbians to come say hello. Instead the mysterious muffdivers in town remain surprisingly elusive. Quite a mystery worthy of Holmes himself.

Intrigued by the persistent rumours of girl-on-girl action, our drooling straight brethren have searched high and low with little success for this lesbian paradise. Yet even the infamous lesbian guidelines with their bewilderingly vague advice offers little help in finding our sapphic sisters. Either they are hiding in plain sight, apparently blending quite seamlessly into the bland heterosexual crowd.... or they gather in highly clandestine underground clubs to celebrate their boundless femininity.

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