Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Up the Garden Path or Down the Wedding Aisle

It was just this morning that an unsuspecting Shameless Shalom baldly confirmed one of my worst fears. The imminent return of that virtually forgotten spectre had me inadvertently choking on an excellent piece of breakfast hash browns.

Terrifying monstrosity from my past that came up barely to my shoulders, all of five feet on her bare soles. All awkward angles, bony bits and graceless grace! Knew it wouldn't be too long before Graceless Grace returned to haunt me.

And it was all because of that aborted wedding pact.

There was always something I always half-suspected, a little something more sincere than just mere joshing banter when Grace kept bringing up the topic of our wedding pact. Perhaps she seemed just a little too keen on the subject of mock matrimony.

Paul : Waitaminute, what do you mean she doesn't know I'm gay! Look at the bowtie dammit.
Shalom : Just saying she probably needs a bigger sign.
Paul : What! A pink feather boa?

Despite thinking that my suspicions were wholly imaginary ( not to mention disconcertingly conceited ), it made me uneasy enough that I stayed several feet back from one of my cherished friends. On the wild half-chance that I might be correct in my immodest assumptions.

Shalom : You know what's the first thing we all talked about when you came out of the closet?
Paul : What you mean is you kicked me out.
Shalom : I just couldn't stand the endless questions. 
Paul : What about it? 
Shalom : We immediately thought about Graceless Grace and how you're leading her up the garden path.
Paul : Rather than down the wedding aisle?
Shalom : Something like that, yes. 
Paul : So you think that Grace might have some ... intentions when it comes to me?
Shalom : Something like that, yes.
Paul : I was hoping to be wrong. 
Shalom : You're not wrong.
Paul : I've actually tried to tell Grace dozens of times but she just won't listen. 
Shalom : Give her more hints. 
Paul : I couldn't possibly be gayer. Should I tattoo 'homo' to my forehead? 
Shalom : That might work.

Hmm. Ingenuous heroine falling for the defrauding homo, probably not the first time it has happened. Certainly gratifying fodder for our endlessly repeated primetime rom-coms.

Guess it's time to nip in the bud any hope of connubial bliss that Graceless Grace might have cherished. But how do you bring it up without sounding like an egotistical bastard?


matt said...

maybe she should meet calvin?

savante said...

Think she has met Calvin a couple of times, matt! :)