Even worse when the imperiled princess in question lounges around on embroidered silk cushions with sweetmeats and appletinis in hand while the sands of her fate drain cruelly away. Rather than act swiftly to change her miserable destiny, the witless twit prefers to sigh wistfully in her luxurious palace chambers placing all her confidence in an ill-fated suitor who finds himself tossed into the dungeons.
Yes, I'm talking about the Prince of Persia - the quintessential arcade game played by almost every pimpled teenage adolescent for the past two decades. Ostensibly the game revolves around the thrilling adventures of an unnamed Prince who navigates fearlessly through spiked pits, death traps and monstrous guards to rescue the princess from the wicked machinations of the Grand Vizier.
When I saw the classic version available again on the iPad, how could I possibly resist?
Though after an hour of hair-tugging frustration trying to master the controls, I can clearly recall why it took me days to weeks just to finish the game. Obviously my sad lack of motor coordination translates entirely into the virtual world since the hapless prince, under my direction, constantly tumbles over precarious balconies down endless chasms to meet his untimely end. And that's when the foolish prince doesn't blunder unerringly onto the callous arms of the heartless guillotine.
Umm... you think I should leave her?
And all for the sake of the idiotic princess in her bedchamber, who is presumably sipping mint tea while stroking the strings of her mandolin - or whatever it is that entrapped princesses get up to! Couldn't she at least summon up the teensiest effort to attempt an escape? Isn't her precious time slowly slipping away, both literally and figuratively?
And yet you do nothing but weep, wail and wring your manicured hands?
Seriously, Prince of Persia? You could do better.
Paul : Seriously, you still want to marry this princess?
Prince : Oh yes, her beauty is like moonrise in a clear heaven.
Paul : You do know she's probably dining on roast lamb and appletinis now, right? While her handmaidens draw her a scented bath of roses and milk?
Prince : As is her right.
Paul : While you're down in the dirty, dank dungeons getting beaten, bruised and bloody just to ascend a few levels?
Prince : Umm... yeah.
Paul : The princess can't even save herself and her kingdom - and this is the woman you want to marry?
Prince : Umm... yeah?
Paul : Full of self-pity, hardly self-sufficient and barely resourceful! Can't she do anything? Bribe a guard! Choke a handmaiden! Lay a trap! Hell, she couldn't even send a key down?
Prince : The Grand Vizier might hurt her!
Paul : Like that evil monster isn't already intending to do so?
Prince : You might have something there.
Paul : I see an open window right there. Easy enough for us to escape so forget about that pampered bimbo and come with me.
Well I did say I hate damsels in distress. Didn't say I don't like handsome knights in shining armour.