Don't Try This at School, Kids

You know those television ads where they warn kids not to try ridiculously dangerous stunts at home? As unpolitically correct as I am, well most of the advice I'd give should carry that very same warning. Seriously. Don't try it.

Being the new girl in school, it's quite obvious that my lil niece Chatty Carmen is gonna have to deal with some chilly alienation at least in the beginning. They don't exactly call them mean girls for nothing. Forget about the welcome bandwagon, these nasty mini-socialistas aren't about to hand out free cupcakes for fresh newbies.


Ouch. Well, at least she didn't get egged like poor Jonathan did in Gossip Girl. Those Upper East Side mean girls can really pack a carton.


So what to do when a kid comes crying in such instances?

I know the sensible fatherly thing to do would be to wipe their tears and offer sage advice to passively turn the other cheek. It's the rational zen Jesus/Buddha/Gandhi thing to do. After all, such snotty, superficial bitch cliques wouldn't be the sort of crowd I'd want my child to have. There are many other children with warmer, generous hearts who would welcome them gladly.

At least that's what I would say. Though I would have to bite my tongue. Hard.

Since I'd want revenge so bad. I'd have gotten mad. And gotten even. Don't believe in taking such things lying down - short of having a hot fella on top. Although I might not have been the reigning Queen Bee in school ( even if there was such a thing in an all-boys school! ), I certainly gained a reputation for demanding an-eye-for-an-eye. And maybe a torn, bleeding ear so you learn not to step on my tail again.


Are we going to take revenge?
Such a sinful taste for vengeance certainly helped me remain largely unmolested throughout my school career. Getting egged? Back then, I would have dumped an entire garbage disposal of eggs and feathers down into your car. And your locker. And your schoolbag. And egged you twice.

Just to get even.

Not exactly what's been taught by the kindly Dr Seuss in his kid-friendly books. Hopefully I've grown out of that entire Spirit of Vengeance insanity. At least I do know I can't teach such horrific values to the impressionable children! Guess I'll have to bite my tongue!