Don't Stand So Close

Very few things make me squeamish. Okay, maybe torn hands dangling by the ligaments. And possibly tapeworms.

But ever since I came over here, I've found another bit to add to my list of ickiness. Or at least things that make me go ick. Enough to make me squeal like a sophomoric girl.

Lizards. Seriously. To call this lil hamlet the Lizard Kingdom could only be an understatement. These wet slimy creepy-crawlies seem to peer out of every nook and cranny in the building with their wickedly sinister eyes. Let's not even talk about their slithery tongues and the eerie snap-clicking sounds they make. No doubt the sweltering heat of this baking seaside village only helps the deceptively small reptiles proliferate in shockingly large numbers.

Obviously just waiting for me to run wildly amuck and start vacuuming the entire heinous lot into a bag for the hospital incinerator. Just the thought of a multitude of nests clustered behind corners makes me itch for a flaming bazooka. Cleansed by holy fire!


It's payback time, bitches!
So you can imagine the painful consternation on my face when I found one in the cabinet just as I was clearing it. A lizard adhered to the edge of the cabinet. Upside down. Not moving. Practically posing for the runway with it sticky webbed palms akimbo.

Who knows. Maybe it had a heart attack. Do lizards even have hearts?

Paul : OMG.
Felix : What is it?
Paul : Look at that!
Felix : OMG. Eeew. Why is it not moving? Is it dead?
Paul : Why don't you go ask it?

Could have sworn I let out a manly yelp but to Fabulous Felix - also in attendance - it was a high-pitched shriek of girlish horror. Seriously couldn't get the broom out fast enough.

The resourceful Glee members came up with just the right song for the occasion.


Don't stand so close to me.