Once Upon an Ex-Gay

Seriously. Forget about saving the whale. Forget about saving the orang-utan. Forget about staying away from shark's fin soup. We have an even more endangered species quietly disappearing from the earth.

Yes, you heard it here first. Gays are going extinct.

All leaving in desperate droves after caving in to sociocultural pressures to join the ex-gays happily ensconsced in nameless suburbia. Not only did Smiley Sam cross over to the heterosexual side a few months back, I just found out another friend of mine followed in his reversion wake.

Straight into a wedding. With a woman.

Friend : Did you know Simple Seth's getting married?
Paul : That's great. Finally. Hopefully married to a woman and not to the blow-up doll he purchased on the internet?
Friend : It's a woman!
Paul : You sound surprised as well!
Friend : Wait. You didn't know he was gay?
Paul : OMG. Seth was gay?

Oh yeah, I also found out Seth's gay on the same night I found out he turned straight.


Last time I do anything gay, I swear.
Fact is I always thought Simple Seth was happily heterosexual. Unlike the rest of raging queendom, I don't agree to the maxim that every other man is gay until proven otherwise.

And after all, Seth repeatedly insisted that he was straight, even after being starved, beaten and interrogated for hours under a painfully bright spotlight. Throughout the years in college, he doggedly carried on with his heterosexual crusade, maintaining his breeder boy values - despite the fact that it was obviously hypothetical since he never actually dated anyone remotely female.

Despite the fact that all the rest of us in the gang - from Eye Eddie to Doubting Danny to me - somehow turned gay along the way. I blame the water supply in the dorm, always looked suspiciously murky.

Despite the fact that he stubbornly remained seated in a Dutch sex cinema eventhough two horny fellows were going at it incessantly onscreen ( with another dozen or so busy groping in the subdued audience ). Sweaty, hairy-backed, grunting fellows so impossibly soaked in testosterone that it would be impossible to mistake them as women.

Even if Seth had flunked anatomy. Which he didn't.

Supposedly Seth broke down with his secret gay confessions one drunken night far away from the rest of the gang only to have the information leak my way several years later. Obviously finding out the rest of us had turned gay must have scared him off homosexuality.

And now that I finally learn he's gay, he's gone straight. Figures.